MIA Since September And Where Are We With DD???

Once again, I sincerely haven't meant to fall off the face of this earth. It just kind of happened. I feel that there have been so many things keeping me from this lovely community of supportive DD/Ds participants.

My business has closed. I would've thought I would've been on my blog the next day with a big "Woohoo!" and "Let's celebrate!" type of posting. But the reality is that I went straight from struggling through the last few months of my business to throwing myself into attempts to transform a daycare home into a home that suits our needs. I spent my time going through massive amounts of toys, excessive amounts of children's books, and many personal items that were simply shoved around daycare items into spare nooks and crannies in the house. In other words, four years of daycare in this house meant that the house was full of hidden chaos and disorganization. It still is. Four years worth of shoving our belongings to the side is not fixed in a few months. But it's a lot better and we're a lot more functional.

I also decided that the eighth and ninth month of pregnancy was a lovely time to sew a bunch of handmade Christmas gifts. Do you see how logical I am? So in addition to attempting to get the house ready and struggling with the exhaustion that late pregnancy brings, I also sewed my butt off. The funny thing is that I'm not done, but part of my family will be having Christmas in February, so those gifts will be sewn after baby is born as I refuse to do another ounce of sewing in my pregnant state. There's something about sitting there in the same position at the sewing machine for hours at a time that makes it hard for me to walk for the next few days. It's not pleasant at all! I was so happy to get handmade things made for my kiddos though! I'm sad that Captain's gift still did not get done. But such is life. He will either get it late or get it for next Christmas!

And yes, I'm still pregnant. In my tenth month of pregnancy to be exact. I carried my second child into my 42nd week of pregnancy before he decided to come out and meet the world. This one is following that same path. So birthing will occur literally any minute now and we can't wait to meet our little one.

Now this all has nothing to do with DD, but I just wanted you to hear all of the personal things that have kept my time. I will share another thing that has kept me away. I've really really struggled with DD throughout this pregnancy. Early on I was disappointed that Captain "wasn't stepping up" as I saw it. And then I was mad when he did! I don't know. I feel like something switched in my pregnant and hormonal brain. Emotionally it seems that I just can't handle being spanked while pregnant. I just couldn't get in the right frame of mind to be okay with it. And it wasn't about fear of harming baby or anything as I have no doubt baby would've been fine and Captain was only doing very light spankings anyways as he is one to be very cautious about such things. It was more that the dynamic itself was getting to me. I even told him that I can't do this right now. And I feel bad for him. I know that I'm frustrating him. He feels that we start to go down the DD path again and then I dig my heels in and say, "That's it. I can't do this!" And I know that I do. There are the juicy moments of DD where it's easy to go along for the ride and feel turned on by the dynamic itself. Then there's the "in the trenches" times in DD where I don't like anything going on. I don't like DD. I don't like punishment. I don't like not having a say in things that I feel are damn worthy of my say. And I don't like Captain in those moments. I realize this all sounds very spoiled and it likely is. I don't know how to fix this about myself.

So, is DD for us? I don't know. I feel that DD shines a very large and clear mirror on a relationship. The faults become faultier. And the good things have the potential to be so fantastic that it unlocks relationship possibilities that would never have been dreamt of prior to DD.

So what's bad about us? We can't communicate for shit. There. I will just say it plainly. We have a hard time disagreeing in a manner that is loving or respectful...both of us. Opinions escalate and that turns into name calling and threats to end the relationship and other nonsense. The reality is that we are best friends and we do love each other. So I don't understand why it's so incredibly difficult for us to come to a discussion with different opinions and discuss those opinions amicably. The thing is, even with DD, I want to have my say. Now I realize that DD means being willing to give up having my way, but when it's something very important to me, I feel I should at least get to have my say before a final decision is made. Right or wrong, this is the sort of flavor of DD that makes sense to me. And to be honest, my husband wouldn't want a relationship where he's not challenged with my differing opinion on various matters. I know this to be true because he tells me this and he likes my fire and spirit. He does want me to go along with his final decision on things, but he doesn't want a Stepford wife wherein I never have any differing opinions. So this is a struggle for us. How do we find that balance where we can debate our feelings on various issues without it crossing the line that takes us into dysfunctional communication? We've done counseling in the past and I don't know whether we haven't found the right counselor or the right approach, but it hasn't been helpful for us. In fact, we felt that the money we spent on co-pays for the counseling was better spent on date nights where we could connect and have fun. Sadly, finances this past year have been terrible and so date nights are very few and far between. I do think our communication improves when we're able to get out and connect more.

What else is bad? This relates back to communication, but it seems there's a basic lack of love and respect. If you've heard of the men need respect and women need love ideas, then you will understand what I'm referring to here. The one thing that's part of this whole idea is that women are naturally wired to give love, so they don't have to work at that so much with their partners. And men are naturally wired to give respect, so they don't have to work at that as much. Well, there is so much yuck in our relationship that not only are we not giving the other partner their primary need, be it love or respect, but we're not even good at giving the secondary need that should be easier and more natural for us to give by default! So both respect and love are not being given or received by either party. I'm not saying never. As I said in the prior paragraph, we are best friends and we do love each other. But on a day to day basis, there are constant little instances where both love and respect are neglected. This is no foundation for DD because continual lack of love and respect by both parties erodes trust. Trust is essential for DD!

So this sounds pretty desperate and hopeless, huh? But there is good. We both love to laugh and have a good time. We connect over some of the same silly movies and comedians. We are both artists in some sense or another. We love to create and imagine. We both like to dream and have big ideas for our lives and where we'd like to see our family in a few years. We are both resilient and determined, not personality types to give up on something. This fortitude has been wonderful in our marriage. We have been through so much together - financial distress, unexpected job loss, vehicle repossession, miscarriage, infertility (for a time), multiple moves, full-time school for one of us, a home based business (the kind that takes over a home), struggling to buy food some months, lack of reliable vehicles, illness, etc...And guess what? We still believe in life. We believe in something good around the next bend. We believe that hard work and determination will create a better life, even if it's like the movie "Shawshank Redemption" where one must crawl through an awful lot of shit first. And guess what? We're in the shit. We've been in it for the last seven years or so. The water has gotten slightly less shitty, but there's still more to go through before we can come out the other side. But we are at a point where we can at least glimpse the other side from time to time. But let me tell you, this constant wading and struggling to hold onto that light at the end of the shit is HARD on a marriage. Any marriage - be it egalitarian, 50's style, DD, etc...

So where does this leave us with DD? Well, hubby told me the other day that he wants to return to DD. And I said I'd love to discuss that with him, but I really need time. I'll be honest. I don't want to struggle with the DD side of things while I'm working through postpartum recovery and all of the physical healing as well as emotional and mental adjustment to a new normal. I feel like it would be one more thing that would stress me out. And honestly I just want to be during that time. I want to rest, nurse my new baby, help my older kiddos adjust to the new baby, lean on Captain and be proud of him as he supports the family while I heal. What I don't want to do is obsess over where we're at with DD, what the current balance of power in our relationship is, and how should I have been more submissive today? Not while I'm healing. I just don't think I have it in me. And I know plenty of my readers do and you are BETTER women than I - truly!

I do want to return to DD. But I also feel nervous about it. My husband loves me and my family and wants the best for us. I have no doubt of that! But I also feel that sometimes his decisions are made from what is convenient and easier for him and not truly from a place of taking an honest look at my needs. Now I don't say that to bash Captain. I am just saying that's how I feel, whether that's a true assessment or not I can't say. I can only say that's how I perceive things. And this goes back to communication I know. We've never done regular check-ins or dates to discuss DD and how we think it's going and I feel without this level of communicating constantly along the way, I just can't commit to this. I can't give a blank check without lots of opportunities for feedback.

So I guess where this leaves us I don't really know. And that's confusing. And I think I've not only confused myself, but possibly anyone who actually reads this long and convoluted post.

But that's where we've been. I do hope to check in again sooner rather than later. And I apologize sincerely for not checking on everyone's blogs. I so want to catch up. I know I've missed at least two births that I can think of and I so want to check in with those ladies when I get the chance. But I also know that I'm on the verge of giving birth literally any minute and it will take me a bit to get back to this and to checking in regularly as I work to find our new normal as a slightly larger family.

Thank you for reading and I sincerely hope that everyone's 2015 is going wonderfully thus far!

Questions from Little Girl, Autumn, and Jenelle

***I would like to post a warning that midway through this post, there is mention of 9/11 and the war that follows. Please use your discretion in whether or not you want to read as I know that can be a sensitive subject, especially for those whose loved ones were directly affected. ***

Many of you are aware that we're in transition around here. While Capt completed his schooling and passed his licensing exam, he couldn't actually work with his license until it was processed by the state. Well, he is finally on the state registry. Today is his first day of orientation at his job.

I am very curious to see how things go today, as there are some details of his job that we're not sure of yet - the kind of details that will impact our plan with moving forward and putting out some form of notice to end my home daycare business.

And now, I'm going to answer some questions. These are from March Q's. Sorry. I guess it's a bit of an understatement to say I got a little off task here.

Little Girl asks - What attracted you most when you first met? Aurora asks - I'm a sucker for love stories so I guess my question would be how did you two meet?

We met a long time ago in a galaxy far away...okay, not really, but it feels like that. I was in junior high and he was in high school. We met at church youth group. We were really young. We became friends slowly but I was not attracted to him at all. When I was sixteen years old we started hanging out a bit. I needed someone to go rollerblading with and he was into that. We'd go out and rollerblade around. He taught me how to rollerblade down stairs. This is not as spectacular as it sounds. The ones I was able to do were not very steep. But he would catch me at the bottom because I had issues with not falling over once I got to the bottom. I was very thick. It never dawned on me that he had a crush on me. There was never anything sexual about our relationship - just friends. I gradually started to share more of myself with him - my thoughts, feelings, poetry (poor guy put up with your typical poorly written depressive teenage idea of poetry)- and he always cared what I had to say. We were truly best friends in every sense. And then I found out from a friend that he had a crush on me. I was surprised. Let me repeat - I was pretty thick...clueless in fact,much like the lead in one of my favorite movies at the time.

So as much as I knew it would suck I decided to have "that conversation" with him. I told him that I only saw him as a friend and that's all we would ever be and he needed to give it up and move on. Then he did what any normal person would do. He distanced himself for a bit. That was awful. We were so close at that point that I felt empty when he wasn't around. But I definitely wasn't interested. Have I mentioned that I was thick yet? Well, time came for his prom and he took me as friends. That was difficult, knowing how he felt. I didn't want to lead him on, but I also really wanted to go. To be honest, I don't know exactly when I started to feel differently. I always felt this pull towards him, but I always thought it was because he was such a great friend. At some point the line started to blur and during one of our movie nights at my house the line budged and we found ourselves holding hands. That was it. It's all so sweet and innocent looking back on it, but at the time holding hands was a really big deal to me.

I would love to say that it was all hearts and flowers from that point on. But he was the first person I'd dated and he was immediately at a very serious level with our relationship. I, on the other hand, felt afraid of moving too fast, being too serious, and being too committed. So we broke up several times over the next few years. I went off to college and dated another guy, which drove my husband to the point of madness. But you see, it was in dating this other guy that I really missed Capt. I never felt I could be myself with this other guy. I was always hiding my innermost self for fear he'd "find me out" and not like me anymore. With Capt everything was already out in the open. He knew who I was completely. But because of that things were always bumpier with Capt. We were always 100% real with one another and sometimes that meant some very hurtful interactions. As a young person, that really scared me off.

So then Capt got tired of waiting around on me...finally!

He then did what any reasonable man does when his affection isn't being returned. He joined the military! Knowing that he was going away did something to me and lo and behold we were together again before he even left for basic training. While he was gone we wrote letters - I still have all of them! My parents drove with me and we watched him graduate from basic training. He then went away for more training. I moved away from our hometown for my first post college job - a highly overrated thing if you ask me! We wrote and every once in awhile I'd be fortunate enough to get an actual phone call. Then 9/11 happened.

In all my life I've never been so horrified. I walked into the training center for my new job and everyone was gaping open mouthed at a tv screen. I soon became one of them. I remember feeling my heart split and the tears fall as I watched countless lose their lives right in front of my eyes. People's fathers, sons, daughters, mothers, dear friends, and lovers. I didn't know anyone that lived in New York city, but it didn't matter. In that moment, their pain was my pain. I grieved for everyone affected. In my grief, I also grieved for Capt. My brain was already two steps ahead. I knew what this would mean for our military. I knew what this would mean for Capt.

His unit was activated and he was sent directly from his training once completed. But, we are fortunate. While there was rumor after rumor after rumor of him being sent to some of the most hostile areas, he was not sent. He stayed in this country to fill holes left by others who were overseas. It is very selfish, I know. But I have always been beyond thankful that he never left American soil in the name of war.

He served active duty for close to a year if I remember right. During that time it was much easier to speak on the phone. I went to visit him at one point. He came to visit me on leave at another point. It was a lovely time. He took me to dinner and we were just so happy to be in one another's presence. We went to our home town and went to a friend's wedding in which I was a bridesmaid. And wouldn't you know that I caught the bouquet? And after I caught the bouquet I turned around and there he was on one knee staring up at me with a ring - he and my friend had done some planning. I was once again Clueless and failed to notice that not one other girl actually tried to get the bouquet. They were all in on it!

So we got engaged that night - obviously. He got on a plane shortly after that and we continued our long distance relationship. There continued to be rumor after rumor of him going overseas, but finally he came home and we set our wedding date. And I guess that's that because the next chapter was marriage.

Who asked who to do DD?

I asked him! It's crazy, but true. I read 50 Shades of Grey, became intrigued, and started researching online. The longer version of this is in a post, The Convoluted Trail That Led Us To DD.

Did you both know about DD when you got married or was it something you discovered online?

No - not at all! I would've run for the hills, I'm sure!

Are either of you spankos?

I don't know. I think we both might be actually. There is something both comforting and exciting about being spanked. I still don't understand it yet!

1. What is your favorite date night activity?

We both love to try new restaurants. This is not really possible where we live right now, but it was our favorite thing to do when we first got married. Go figure - we like to eat! A good movie and a cuddle is always nice. I have to admit that my favorite date was our 10 year anniversary. I wanted to go to a climbing gym and climb, but he wasn't really that interested, so we decided to do something he'd been wanting me to try for years. We went paintballing and shot at each other. It was very therapeutic. I highly recommend it. We weren't into DD then. I want to go back and do it again as I can think of some highly erotic capture/interrogation scenarios that might just be wonderful to play out in a hotel room afterwards!

2. What is your most hated implement?

My most hated implement continues to be the Lightsaber. Even the wooden cutting board thing with a handle doesn't hurt as much as that thing. He hasn't used it in a long time and I sincerely hope he doesn't get any ideas when he reads this! We still don't have a ton of variety in our implements though. Getting more implements is on the to do list. That being said, he's been very creative thus far with things we have around the house!

Rose's Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

This is a story of a day in Captain's kingdom .

Rose, Captain's fair lady, 

was entrusted with a variety of duties 

That kept the kingdom running as smoothly as possible. 

 

And just as in any other day in the kingdom,

there were multiple children to be juggled.

 There were numerous piles of clutter to dig through in order to find

 this,

 that,

 or the other thing. 

There were little people crying,

 "Rose. I need this!" 

"Rose. I need that!" 

 "He took my toy!" 

"He hit me!" 

 "He ate my brother!"

 And so it was mass chaos throughout the land.

Now Rose has been keeping up and doing her best for years.

Running here, running there.

Attempting to clean whilst tornadoes in the form of little boys run amok.

But Rose has been getting tired. 

And anxious.

Excited for new things to come.

But upset that they're not coming as quickly as she'd like.

Endlessly waiting for Calgon to take her away

Or at least the leprechaun at the end of the rainbow.

Now on this particular day, for whatever reason, Rose was very tired.

The children seemed ten times as loud.

The inability to find things right away seemed a hundred times more irritating.

And Rose was not getting along with Captain very well.

Rose's temper was foul.

Her tears were swift.

Her thoughts were hazy and unfocused.

The children were napping,

But rest was not hers to have.

She snapped on her Captain time and again,

Until he would have none of it.

"Upstairs!" he commanded.

Slowly she moved, 

Like a turtle through marshmallow, 

Up, up, up the stairs 

And into the bedroom.

"Get on the bed. Turn over!" Captain barked.

Rose began to quake as she heard his grumpy demeanor.

She assumed the position,

But then something happened.

All of the pent up emotion and anxiety and fatigue

That was swirling around inside

Burst through as she laid on the bed with her butt in the air

Dreading the first blow

Rose was sorry.

Sorry for being mean and nasty.

Sorry for being someone that she doesn't want to be.

Sorry that she's angry all the time.

Sorry that she's overwhelmed and can't seem to get a grip.

Just sorry sorry sorry.

And all of the sorrow poured out in sobs,

Great big, bodyshaking sobs.

And she tried to reign it in 

And gain control,

Knowing that with the first strike of the wooden board

She'd have no hope of controlling them.

She tried and tried,

But the tears kept on coming.

As she tensed and waited for the blow,

She felt herself being covered up

And she heard Captain's footsteps leave the room.

Rose relaxed her head and cried.

And then just felt kind of numb.

It really was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

 

 

Getting It All Wrong - NOT a Flowery Post

I apologize for my hiatus. It's been unintentional and unfortunately will continue for a bit. I wanted to write something though so that you know that this isn't a case of blogger dropped off of the face of the earth to never return. My first trimester of pregnancy was exhausting. I've also been much sicker this pregnancy than in previous pregnancies. I feel better and am able to eat now, but due to some other circumstances we don't have internet at our house right nI ow. So keeping up with everyone's blogs and contributing to my own is impossible right now.

So I'm basically here to say that I won't be here...at least until we get this internet kerfuffle solved.

But I am dying here a bit. I need help and support and I feel like I can't do this. I'm not submissive. I'm not respectful. I say the wrong things. I use the wrong tone of voice. I'm grumpy and needy and emotional. I've even had to ask myself the question - is this me? Am I someone who's meant to be in this kind of relationship and take on this kind of role? I have no clear message from the heavens on this one. There's been no light bulb moment of complete and absolute self-awareness. I feel miles from where everyone else in this community is in regards to having a DD relationship as the TIH partner.

I feel like my HOH is always mad at me. I'm never sorry enough or kind enough or respectful enough. He doesn't discipline. He just yells and I yell and together we yell and our oldest kiddo is sick of the yelling I'm pretty sure.

I don't think I can stomach one more marital conversation where we talk about how the yelling needs to stop and we just need to follow through with DD and how he doesn't lead because I'm just not letting him lead and I'm not letting him lead because I don't trust him enough.

I feel like we're ramming ourselves repeatedly into the same damn brick wall day after day after day.

To add to all of that, I'm still working 60 hours a week with other people's children in my home all the time. Our transition out of my business is not happening as quickly or as smoothly as I'd like. So to be honest I am angry and grumpy and tired a lot. I want to be done with my job and I want to be done three months ago. Financially everything is a mess.

When we first started DD Captain wanted me more. He touched me and was affectionate and of course there were some hot and heavy moments also. I feel like that has all died off completely to the point that I wonder if I hold any attraction for him at all. I feel like I could do a naked pole dance and he wouldn't feel inclined to put down his ipad. 

I guess this is NOT a flowery post that will make someone considering DD want to take the leap. But this is not a fantasy either. It's our real life with our real world problems and trying to learn DD amidst all of this mess has not been easy. We've been at this for roughly a year now and I feel like we've gotten nowhere. It's really pretty discouraging and I feel very disheartened and concerned for if this will ever pan out for us.

Fitness, Meet the Captain, and Answers Are Coming!

I'm participating in 40 Days of Fitness with some of you gals. I figured I should get my goals listed somewhere. But first, a bit of history because this 40 days is a part of something much larger for me.

I've struggled with weight my whole life. In adulthood, I was able to lose weight and finally got to a nice weight for my height. But it didn't stick. Marital stress, several babies, and hormonal chaos caused my body to spiral out of control. No matter what I tried, nothing worked for very long. After the birth of my second child, everything became worse. I gained 40 pounds in 4 months. I stepped on the scale one day to find that I weighed what I had when I was 9 months pregnant with him. I was horrified! I contacted my doctor and we have been working on getting my thyroid numbers to proper levels ever since. I also learned that I was vitamin D deficient, iron deficient, and have adrenal fatigue. This sounds so short and sweet, but all of this has been a process. During this time I began walking which turned to running. I love to run. It is the only time in my day that nobody is asking me for anything! It is my peace and quiet, my zen like experience in busy days. I quickly dropped 35 pounds and then I stalled...and stalled...and stalled. For a year and a half my weight stuck. I trained for and ran a half marathon, the same 7 mile race two years in a row, lifted weights, and logged my food intake on a daily basis..My weight just stuck! Enter Maria Emmerich, a nutritionist who supports a keto diet that is grain free, gluten free, and sugar free. I gave up vegetarianism and jumped on the keto boat. I'm not saying that's what others need to do by any stretch of the imagination. It's what my body needed. Gone are blood sugar drops that cause horrible mood swings - a help when you're in a DD life especially. Gone is the weight loss plateau. I've been losing steadily since starting her plan in January of 2014. I'm at a new low right now. My doctor and I are still trying to get my thyroid levels in the proper range, but finally my numbers are going up. My adrenals seem to be healing as my body has stopped crashing on the weekends. For awhile at the end of 2013 I was having "couch weekends" My definition of a couch weekend is one in which you doze on and off all weekend in order to have enough energy to get through another work week. It was awful. I felt like a sorry excuse for a mom and a wife. But it is behind me thankfully. Anyways, if my body continues to respond, I can fit into my wedding dress again either this year or next year. I'm so excited about that. I'm going to put it on and have a photo shoot or something when I get there.

Anyways, my current goals with the 40 day fitness challenge are as follows.

1. Stick to my eating plan and stop cheating on the weekends - at least not every weekend. My eating plan is grain free, gluten free, sugar free, and very low carb.

2. Begin running again and get myself back to a good 3 mile training run level. I'm using the Ultimate 5k training plan from Run the Edge to get my running level back.

That's it. Two simple goals will do for me!

Onto the Captain. A new person has been commenting on my blog. His name is the Captain and he and Tom are one and the same. The name Captain came about as I was discussing with my husband how his sense of virtue, justice, and honor reminded me of Captain America. My husband is ex military and has always resonated with Captain America's sense of honor. I had suggested in the past trying a title such as Sir as many have found it effective in disciplinary situations and just as a way to get into the submissive mindset. But my husband was not fond of being called Sir. But after our discussion the other day about the Captain America, my husband has discovered that he likes being called Captain. Now I'm not running through the house calling him Captain every two seconds, but he has used it when I'm really struggling with submission and when I've gotten myself in trouble - usually from running my mouth! And it really does put me in a submissive mindset. I have to swallow that darn pride of mine in order to get the title out. He's also used it during a punishment. I had to count during a spanking and add Captain at the end of each number. So it was "One Captain, two Captain, three Captain, fou-our Captaaaain" and so on. He said he did that so that he could gauge how the punishment was going for me by the sound of my voice. It seems that so many things he does have such thought and consideration behind them. He really is amazing! So anyways, Captain has a blogger account now and will be commenting from time to time. Who knows? He may even add to posts now and then or even do his own post. I have no idea where this will lead. But Captain has boarded the boat to Blogland. He may also make an appearance on the D&L forums now that he is signed up!

As far as answers to questions, I want to let everyone know that they are coming. I've received some great questions and want to put a lot of thought into writing my answers. I've started working on some drafts, but it's taking me awhile to work through my thoughts and get them organized. Plus I'm trying to keep up with everyone else's answers to questions. March Q&A has Blogland positively exploding right now! Oh how I wish I could clone myself and then one of me would be responsible for keeping up with all of you. There's so many great bloggers out there that I would love to get to know better. I am doing my best to make the rounds and will get to as many of you as I can. Also, if there are any more questions, please feel free to post them and I'll add them to my list that I'm working on. I love learning from your thoughts and experiences and I'm so grateful that so many of you are willing to share those with others. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the posting that all of you do!

He Claimed Me and Tori's Questions

We got home late last night from a hockey game. We had a ton of fun together with one of our kiddos. Our kiddo was tired and playing in the other room. My husband came into the office. I was standing and leaning over the desk checking to see what I'd missed in blogland.

He comes up behind me and touches me and presses himself right up against my back. He sways. I sway. He walks away. Not far. Just to the door. Then he turns the lock and walks back over towards me. More pressing up against me. More swaying. My body responds to this amazing and loving man that I'm lucky to spend my days with.

My chest falls to the desk. My pants come off as do his and he is pressing up against me. He touches me and I'm ready for him. He enters me from behind. Slowly at first and then he picks up speed. He continues his thrusting until he comes undone. 

He cuddles me and tells me he just couldn't contain himself. He's falling in love with me all over again he says. I'm falling in love with him too. After eleven years of marriage, we're falling in love and on a second honeymoon. If only we had a beach too! 

Amazing things are happening. This was another first for us - sex from this position. Perhaps I needed to be submissive and he needed to be dominant to make it work. We'd tried years ago and it was awkward and painful and we stopped. This was pure bliss. It was intense and I felt claimed when he was done. We've had some great sex, some of it the sweet and loving kind. This was full of love, but it wasn't sweet. It was masculine and dominating and I loved every second of it. I am his. I belong to him and this was his way of letting me know that.

***Tori's Questions - What prompted the move to DD/ who initiated it? Is there one particular kind you really want to try? Do you have an agreed set of rules/ a contract?***

I initiated the move to DD. I have always been sexually closed off, a bit of a prude. It wasn't intentional. I had a religious upbringing and couldn't seem to get past the association between guilt and sex that I'd always been taught. So I had sex with my husband out of obligation. But to enjoy it or to explore it was just not something that was on my radar. I read Fifty Shades (I know, likely story here) and found it hot. I set it aside for awhile, but after a year I decided to reread it again. And it was that second reading that just changed me. I couldn't stop thinking about sex and I felt turned on nonstop. This coincided with my 34th birthday and I have to wonder if something hormonal happened as well. I started researching BDSM, but realized that I wanted more than kink. What really really turned me on when I thought about it was power exchange. I read through forums on Fetlife and over and over was drawn to people discussing TPE. Now I don't think we're totally there yet, but that's what got me on the road to DD. When I first stumbled onto DD blogs, I was initially repulsed. Sorry friends, it's just true. I wasn't ready. I didn't understand why a woman would let a man do such things. So we tried a little kink, nothing I would call real BDSM, but definitely spicier than what we had been. But I still felt like something was missing. So I kept researching and reading blogs. I came across D/s blogs and then once again DD blogs. About a month had passed. And for some reason that short passage of time was enough to make me open to what DD had to offer. I dropped hints initially. More hinting as well as some direct statements. I finally had to open up a lot more about just what I was asking. I admit that I thought I might die of embarrassment in asking for all of this. But wow, he's taking to it and we're well on our way. We have a lot to learn. Personally, I'd like a lot more on the BDSM side of things than what we're doing. But we will hopefully have many more years to explore and grow and change. So I have things to look forward to with my husband!

Hmmm...one particular kink? That is very hard as I feel like there's more things we haven't tried than we have. I'd like to go much much deeper into bondage. I've never been flogged and for some reason that holds a lot of appeal for me as does a riding crop. I'd like to continue growth in the power exchange area because I feel like there's so much room for growth. Okay, I guess you asked for one and I could go on and on. So I guess I'll just finish this question by saying I'd be up for experimenting a lot as long as it's with my husband.

As far as an agreed set of rules or contract, we do not have that. When I first started exploring I filled out and printed a list I found from some BDSM resources as to things that I'd done, wanted to try, could possibly try, or were hard limits. I simply gave it to him for some reading. He said at the time that he realized I'd looked further into this than he initially thought. Other than that though there have been no contracts. I do have rules, but we're kind of in the learning process. I'm not allowed to throw things, stomp around and yell when I can't find something, or be bitchy and disrespectful.

Thank you for the questions Tori. It was fun to give them some thought and answer them!

Pants Down and Over My Lap! Plus Betsy's Questions

"Pants down and over my lap!" Tom's eyes were dark and determined, with an edge of excitement last night. It's the first time I've seen him really take charge in a punishment. Oh, he's spanked me before. But this was different. His entire demeanor exuded confidence and authority. It was such a turn on even though I was in trouble.

Earlier that day my dad had stopped by while I was trying to get five kiddos out the door for outdoor play. Nothing irritates me more than that man stopping by whenever he wants and barging in like I've got nothing going on. Listening to him talk and sing with "Grandpa's boys" and grill my oldest about how homeschooling is going while I'm clearly trying to get out the door aggravates me to no end. The man doesn't have the slightest clue of the meaning of boundaries. But I've mostly put up with his drop ins as it's usually only once every other week or so. But my agitation has gone to a new level ever since M passed away. My dad is deathly afraid of dogs to the point that he used to open the door to my house, peek his head in, "Rose, I'm here!" just so I could make sure my dog wasn't going to try to greet him when he walked in. If she dared get up the nerve to walk over to him (she was a sweet and timid little girl), his reaction was something akin to "Rose, that thing is coming by me!" M was the most docile dog ever and his reaction was over the top ridiculous. But anyways, that's not my point. After M passed away, he stopped by to see the boys. There was no peeking his head in and calling out. He barged in like he owned the place. He knew. He knew because my mom and everyone else new. He knew she was gone. Not one word. No expression of sorrow or empathy for my grief. It was almost like he was relieved that he didn't have to watch out for "that dog" anymore. That was the last time he stopped by, so when he stopped by yesterday it was the same way. No hesitancy at the door looking for the dog. That combined with my needing to get out the door and him throwing a wrench in my attempts to do so, just sent me over the edge. After he left and I had the kiddos loaded in the stroller ready to go play, I stepped back into our house to grab something and ask Tom to holler outside if the baby woke up. He could tell I was on edge. But when I went to shut the bathroom door on my way out and instead slammed it causing a bunch of our kiddos artwork that was stacked on a shelf attached to that wall to fall off, Tom informed me we'd be talking later.

Later we had an opportunity to discuss the incident a bit and Tom said he'd considered letting me off the hook once he calmed down and thought about it. But then he decided not to because he knows that I really don't want him to let me off the hook. With everything he's been reading in my blogs, he said he didn't want this to be an incident where he didn't step up and discipline. And regardless of how my dad makes me feel, he wants me to be a better person than that. So he informed me that there would be a punishment coming later that night once he was assured that we had privacy.

Yikes! That's the most I think I've seen him step up as HOH and it was a bit frightening, but in a good way. And honestly, it was a real turn on for me. There's something about him when he uses his authority and gives me his stern gaze that melts me.

I got the kiddos to bed early and that's when he issued his command. "Pants down and over my lap!" As for the punishment itself, let me say, he's a natural at lecturing. And I don't know why, but I seemed to need his lecture. It was comforting in a way. I think partly because his voice was calm the entire time. There was no anger. Also the content was soothing. It wasn't about him being mad at me, but wanting better for me. In fact, the whole thing seemed kind of selfless. He wasn't punishing because of his need to beat something out of me, but more out of my need for him to help me be the best version of myself. Perhaps it's only a matter of semantics to some, but for me it's an important difference. The punishment itself was short and sweet. It was over the lap and with his hand. I can tell that he's still afraid to hurt me too much or break me, but he deemed it was enough, so I'm not going to complain. And perhaps he was a bit lenient because he knows how my dad has the ability to set me off like no other human being alive. When he was done, he pulled me onto his lap and held me and hugged me.

"How's that for aftercare?" He asked.

"Perfect." And I cuddled into this amazing man who I feel like I'm getting to see in a whole different light now that we've added DD to our lives.

***From Betsy - What is the biggest change you have seen in Tom since you began DD? What is the biggest change Tom has seen in you?***

The biggest change I've seen in him is his confidence. I think it's changing him, having a wife who trusts him enough to say "I'm done running the show. I trust you to be in charge and I'm going to submit to you." He doesn't take it lightly and it seems that it's bolstered his confidence. It goes with him when he leaves the house and goes to school, work, wherever he goes. He's told me that he feels like he interacts with people a little bit differently. He's more sure of himself and conveys more self-respect that I've seen him do in the past. When it comes to parenting, he's quicker to jump in and tell the kiddos that they are NOT allowed to treat mom the way that they are when they are having a disrespectful moment.

The biggest change he's seen in me he says is the fact that I even chose DD at all. He says it's a complete 180 from who I was and it shocked the hell out of him. I went from "No man will ever be in charge or tell me what to do" to asking him to be in charge. He says he remembers when I was in late junior high and was cofounder of the SAM club with a friend (Sisters Against Marriage). He feels like saying I did a 180 is actually an understatement. He never thought I'd give up control like that. And he's always wanted more of this kind of relationship, but figured that he would never have it. He went into marriage with me knowing that he would never get that dynamic. But he loved me for me and was willing to give that up just so we could  be together. WOW - that's something I didn't know! At times he felt like he was being oppressed in the relationship, whereas now things are obviously different. He feels like he's been given this gift all of a sudden and I'm pretty sure that he would never go back in a million years! I wouldn't either!

A Big Change

There has been change brewing. I briefly hinted in The Times I Didn't Listen that Tom and I were going back and forth on a decision. It was something that he wanted me to do and something I wasn't sure about. Initially he wanted me to give up the home daycare and take a job outside the home. However, we are in Timbuktu, USA and jobs that would make it worth it to give up my business are just not plentiful. And for what I can make with my social service background, I don't earn enough to justify a commute. But this is something he wanted and I decided to submit. It's part of why I was so busy those months that I dropped out of Blogland for awhile. I searched and submitted applications and nothing seemed right. Well, one thing led to another and we decided that I should apply to go to graduate school this coming fall. So I decided to apply to an MS program in Clinical and Community Mental Health. Then I realized that my GRE scores were too old to be valid. So I had to study for and retake the GRE in a hurry. This was no small feat considering I haven't been in a math class since 1999 unless you count statistics in the year 2000. Anyways, I'm rambling. I jumped through all of the hoops - retook the GRE, gathered letters of recommendation, which was interesting considering I haven't had a supervisor in over six years and haven't had a college professor for much longer, wrote my personal statement, and filled out the application.

That was in January and it's been a long wait since then. Well, today I got a letter. I've been accepted! I'm in. I'm excited and nervous and a bit sad at the same time. It's a tad bittersweet for me because it means tacking on years to a plan that we had to get out of Timbuktu, USA. I can't begin to describe how much we both despise our location, but we see it as a means to an end right now. It also means seeing less of my children, although when I do spend time with them once I'm in school I will no longer have other people's children's needs to care for constantly. It will be just me and mine and after running my business for nearly six years, I really really like the idea of that.

My husband is pushing me - in a good way. And this is where life can be so interesting sometimes. There was a time that I was the one who pushed. Now I'm trying to tread carefully here as to what I reveal because it's not my story to tell. So without going into detail, I will just say that my husband does not come from a very great familial background. So there was a point when we first met where he needed me to push him. It wasn't laziness on his part. It was lack of confidence and belief in himself. See our marital pattern whereby I pushed and he acquiesced has some roots that at a point in time was functional and perhaps necessary even if we are now working to undo that pattern. But now he is on the verge of finishing up one portion of his schooling. He is ready for a break before he completes his next level and he wants me to fill in that gap by finishing something that I started years ago. This won't be my first time in graduate school. A year or so into our marriage I walked away from a doctorate in Clinical Psychology program after the first year. And he is pushing me to finish. This is something that he wants for me. He knows that I only have social services to fall back on if God forbid something should ever happen to him and he wants more for me and a bit more security for our children.

We are changing and he is changing. Already I see how he is working to help me become the best version of myself that I can be. I think that's what can be so attractive about DD. If we didn't have this in our lives, I feel that I would still be stubbornly clinging to what I know and we wouldn't have started looking into jobs or schooling for me because I would've immediately dismissed it. I sometimes let fear of the unknown get in the way of my decisions. I *think* Tom knows that about me. And perhaps he's going to continue to chip away at this tendency of mine through various situations and decisions as we continue through life.

I admit that I'm excited, but scared. I'm scared because I don't know everything about my next year. I don't know my schedule. I don't know how busy I'm going to be, how much I will be gone, how much study time I will require, how many days I'll get with the kiddos, what it will look like to share homeschooling responsibilities with my husband, how much I'll enjoy my classes, what my graduate assistantship responsibilities will be, and the list could go on and on and on. I guess my Tom, my Dom, is not going to let me live life from my little hidey hole of what is safe, secure, and known. He's going to push me and that my friends is a good, good, good thing!

On another note, I do plan to answer your questions. I will likely start on some answers with my next post. It is still March, so feel free to continue to ask away if there's anything you are curious about. I'm an open book. You can ask me just about anything!

An Anniversary Post - And Questions of Course!

We just passed our 11th wedding anniversary date. We never do anything fun for our anniversary until after our tax return arrives, so it was a subdued night. Tom brought home some flowers and a card, which was very nice. The card was a bit kinky, which was a first for us for an anniversary card. It was a nice change! We had frozen pizza and red wine. Yes, we are very classy like that.

Anyways, with it being an anniversary post I feel the pressure to write something monumental. However, I'm feeling rather uninspired. I've been in a bit of a funk lately. In the eleven years that we've been married, we've spent about nine of them in financial hell. We are currently there while Tom finishes up his school program. I'm the one that manages the finances. This week has been nonstop phone calls and arranging this, that, or the other and frankly it has me drained. I despise managing the finances, but overall I'm good at it and Tom is too overwhelmed with school to take it over right now. However, I have noticed that more and more things are slipping through the cracks as I just can't seem to keep up anymore. So that is the mental state I'm in right now.

It's storming all around, but at least we're together.

But I will press on and write something positive. As far as DD goes, I feel like I'm doing better on my end. I don't know. I feel like something has clicked. I'm not sure how or why. I'm just tired of fighting him. What I mean is that I asked for this dynamic, but then I've continued to fight his control. I've questioned, argued, stomped, and whined. I've acted out just to see if he would step up and administer a punishment only to feel the bitter sting of disappointment and rejection when he's too busy or doesn't notice. I guess what I've realized is that everything I'm doing is communicating to him that I don't really want this. It's one thing to tell him that I want him to be HOH, but to constantly undermine that dynamic just to see if he'll follow through is not helping the situation. The reality is that nobody is perfect. I will never be the perfect submissive wife and I don't think that's what Tom would want anyways. So even if I try really hard to stop testing him and submit to his authority, there will still be plenty of opportunity for him to discipline me because I'm not perfect. But I've got to stop sabotaging the dynamic in the first place. When I'm in my right mind, I should be feeding his leadership, not undermining it. So I've definitely not been the perfect wife in the last few months, but I have for the most part stopped being imperfect on purpose if that makes any sense.

Another thing I've realized is how much I love him and how very stressed we all are right now. With him nearing completion of his school program, why would I add more stress to his life by willfully acting out? It doesn't seem like a very loving or respectful thing to do to him. So it's with these realizations that I'm moving forward in my growth as a DD wife.

I do believe that our next eleven years will be significantly better than the first. Relationally we are in a much different place. We've had so much marital strife brought on by power struggles that things just feel so much more peaceful around here. And that's something I look forward to enjoying as we move forward. Also, we do have a plan for our financial situation and after years of planning and striving we are nearing completion of one important step. Looking back on it, while things weren't always peaceful, I'm proud of the way that we worked together to make this happen. Prior to him starting school in 2010, we used to go out to dinner and have business meetings to try to figure out how best to improve our situation. It's hard to say whether we chose the "right" path, but we chose a path and have stuck to it and have worked together to make it happen. So with all of the crap that came with our first eleven years of marriage, that's something we can pull out of those years and be proud of.

On another note, a little birdie, actually a lot of different blogging birdies, have made it clear that March is question month. I have no idea if I have anything to offer in the way of answering questions, but you're welcome to ask me anything. I'm pretty much an open book and you can ask me anything, be it DD related, personal, random, ridiculous, kinky, whatever. Ask away!

The Toilet Fiasco

So last night was kind of a whirlwind of activity that we were not anticipating. Hubby came home from school to find the toilet unbelievably clogged. I had tried to plunge it earlier to no avail. He tried to plunge it to no avail. With little ones running around our house all the time it's anyone's guess what actually happened to the toilet. So off he went to the store and came home with a snake and finally got the job done. But the jarring of the toilet from aggressive plunging caused the wax seal at the base of the toilet to break. So then he had to go back out and buy the wax seal and reseal the toilet. To make a long story short he was not in a great mood. He had papers to write that evening and his entire evening was taken up with this unexpected repair that needed to be done.

So in his bad mood, some grumpiness came my way and I did what I do best. I built my wall and protected myself, looking a bit like this.

And this.

If only the church lady mentioned in the previous post could see me now, right?

So, I was anything but the well-behaved submissive wife and he certainly wasn't being the calm and firm HOH that I'd like. I finally realized I'd spewed enough venom and through my teeth manged an "Okay dear" when he was grumbling about something else. Of course he took that as sarcasm and gave me a warning that I'd be punished if it happened again. So he said nothing when I told him to f*ck off or flipped him the bird, but when I tried to submit and barely got the nice words through my teeth, that's where he had the problem? I definitely felt a bit confused but I just let it go.

So later he realized that he'd been harsh and grumpy. I understand. If I had papers to write and came home to that I'd probably be grumpy also. It happens to the best of us. He apologized. He said he wasn't holding me accountable for anything that I said or did because he provoked me. I appreciate that. I really do. But it also leaves me feeling confused, especially since this isn't the first time something like this has happened where I've responded to his grumpiness with complete disrespect and anger and he's let it go. I guess I'm thinking that submission should happen on my end even if he's having a grumpy day and not being kind. The reality is that I WANT to be that kind of wife, the one who can turn a grumpy husband around with her kindness and submission, refusing to return grumpiness with anger. So I'm confused. I appreciate that he doesn't want to punish me for my behavior when he feels like his provoked mine, but I also feel like maybe I should be held accountable for mine no matter what.

I'm wondering if anyone else has situations like this. In other words, I'm guessing nobody else's HOH is perfect and has grumpy days. So for the subs, how do your HOHs handle it when they know their grumpiness could have played  into some nastiness on your end? Do you think a HOH should follow through with discipline in this sort of situation? For the HOHs, what are your thoughts? Do you still discipline even if you know your grumpiness has made it harder for your sub to submit?

An Interesting Week Thus Far

I don't speak about my faith much on my blog because honestly that's just not something I usually discuss here. I prefer to stick to other topics. However, this will be a post that touches on my faith as a christian. If that's not your cup of tea, just click on to the next blog in your list today!

This week has just been a surprise for me. I started off the week just really wanting to get back to where we left off with DD and continue to progress with this new dynamic. I've also started reading more and through a recommendation found the book "For Married Women Only" by Tony Evans. Normally I steer clear of bible based books and I don't think I'll go into why. That would be a really long post! However, I figured this book would help me to get into a submissive mindset.

The book is a short read. The author made his points quickly and clearly without a lot of fluff. I really liked that because it was clear exactly what he was saying. While there were several good points in the book, the one that I took away is this. When women try to lead in their marriage and take over, it gets in the way of God trying to work on our husbands. Now a person may agree or disagree with this and hey, different strokes for different folks. For me, this was personally meaningful. I've spent so much time and emotional energy trying to direct my husband into the "right" ways of doing, living, being, etc...I'm exhausted from it all! It's been too much for me to try to direct our family, push him where I think he should go, as well as take care of my own personal needs. So perhaps I should just submit and get out of God's way.

Here's a conversation that my husband initiated while I was reading this book, which he did not know I was reading as it's on my Kindle and I hadn't bothered to say anything about it. "I think we should go back to church. I may not always be able to join you because of school, but you should go. I know you need it." Well, we had gone around and around about this in the past. It's not that he's anti-church or anything, but there were some issues that I won't go into regarding church. He went on to say "I know you get a lot out of being at [specific church] and you really need it. I want you to go back and I may even join you and the boys when I'm able to."

I was stunned by that conversation as it came out of the blue. I have not brought up the issue in awhile. Anyways, after finishing the book yesterday. I decided to post something online. My husband has worked so hard passing exams, juggling school, a job, children, a wife, and everything else life throws at him. So I decided to take a moment and thank him publicly. Except I didn't use the words that I as a woman would use and have used in the past, such as "He's awesome!", "I love him so much!" or "I'm proud of how hard he works." Those are surely beautiful sentiments and most men would be happy to receive them, but I wanted to go beyond that. I wanted to use language that would speak to him as a man, so the words I chose were "I am honored to have Tom for a husband." I went on for a little bit to discuss why. My husband was obviously touched by my words and the public praise he received.

I wasn't really thinking about the post today when the phone rang. It was an elderly lady from the church we discussed earlier in the week. She's one of the kindest older women I know and cares deeply for people she knows. I hadn't heard from her in a very long time. She had no way of knowing that my husband had just decided we'd come back to the church. She called to compliment me on my post that she saw. She went on to say that she doesn't often see that kind of respect coming from a wife to her husband and she thinks it's really wonderful that I'm able to be respectful of my husband. I was floored. If only she could be a fly on the wall and see my day to day struggles with this! Then she said that we'd been prayed for at church last week.

I'm not one to get the heeby jeebies about things that are likely coincidental, but having just read that book about submitting and getting out of the way and having my husband out of the blue decide I should take the boys back to church and then being contacted by someone I admire in that church certainly gives cause to wonder if God can be intimately involved in a marriage. I'm kind of at a loss as to how this could have happened or how to interpret it, but it also fills me with hope and optimism for things to come with my marriage and with DD.

Anyways, I thought this was too good of a story not to share!

She's Come Undone

We had another first. While some spanking has been incorporated during sex, it has always consisted more of swatting during rather than a thorough spanking. Well, I found myself wanting more and so I taunted my Dom! I told him he was all talk. Oh yes - those words really came out of my mouth! In his words I threw a "hissy fit" because sex for his part was over and done with.

"What did you say? I'm all talk? That's it!"

So then it came. WHACK WHACK WHACK A downpour of his hands on my derrier. Swat after swat after swat on my bare bum. Over and over again his hands rained down smacking and leaving a burning sensation everywhere they went. I couldn't tell how many smacks it was or how many minutes long. All I know is that it was intimate and painful and pleasurable all at once.

And then he turned me over, swatted my inner thighs,and then his fingers were everywhere and they were my undoing. It was the neverending orgasm. It went on and on and on and on. I admit that after nearly 12 years of marriage it was probably the best I'd ever experienced.

This is the first time I've had a thorough spanking before sex and wow, is that what happens every time? More please! This is the first time he's spanked with no implement in sight. And I loved it. There was something so intimate about the experience with it being his hand. I also inspected myself in the mirror afterwards and it's the first time that I can honestly say that my bottom was rosy pink.

You know, all of my best moments in terms of sexual experience have come since adding DD into our lives. Oh, I can't wait to see what the next 12 years brings!

Uh Oh - Someone Read My Blog!

Yesterday we had a snow day. That's probably a big shocker since I think half of the US is having snow days right now. Tom, who is usually very busy with his school program, had a day off. And do you know what he spent part of his day off doing? Is the suspense too much? Okay, I'll tell you. He spent it reading my blog!

He's been so busy juggling everything going on in our lives that this is the first time he's read it. It felt really special to me that with everything else going on in our lives and everything he has on his plate, he took the time to read through my blog. Every last post! I think it was an eye opener for him. We had let things as far as DD slide for awhile, not just a little but by a lot. In fact, it would seem that for awhile we were slipping back into our old and argumentative egalitarian pattern. I admit that I felt frustrated at times thinking that he just doesn't want to do this. And I honestly questioned whether or not I want to continue this. Oh, but I do. I have no doubt. I just wondered if it would ever pan out.

When I first approached him with DD last year, his response was that he always wanted this kind of relationship, but didn't think he would ever get it. Meaning he'd always longed for more of a D/s style relationship. So when everything fizzled out I was a bit confused and just kind of gave up a bit. We were also having some other relationship difficulties that led to ambivalence on my part as to whether or not I wanted to go down this road with him. I'm sure that he sensed my ambivalence. Anyways, as I said, he read my blog. And I think he was pleasantly surprised by a lot of what he read. He told me that he honestly didn't think I was ready for this kind of relationship and he didn't think I really knew what I was asking. But after reading my blog, he realized that I am ready to head down this path even if I have my moments of doubt and even though the submission aspect seems really difficult for me at times. He also realized that I have given this a lot of thought. We ended up having a really productive conversation. I admit that he even had a little fun at my expense when he read some of my entries. "Oh, you want me to step up more? I can do that," with a smirk. "I go easy on you, do I? Hmmm..." More smirking. "You want a variety of implements? Oh. Okay! Well, in that case we'll have an entire armory of them." You get the idea. So this is when he tells me that he's been holding back and he can go much further into this. He just didn't want to scare me off. So I'm deliciously excited and a bit nervous now - Eeep!

I kind of feel like a kitten who's suddenly discovered that she's sitting in a cage with a lion. There's probably better analogies than that, but it's the best I can think of so let's just go with it. So I'm a very nervous kitten even though I know this lion isn't going to make a meal out of me (well, he might in very specific and deliciously sexy ways), but instead he will take care of me and protect me from all the other vicious animals in the forest. But he's also going to roar at me and even swipe at me with his big ol' paw from time to time. My analogy might makes sense in my head. I don't know if I've successfully translated it to the written word, but there you have it!

A Discussion of Implements

Implements are a vast unexplored frontier in my mind. It's odd that I read about other people's experience with implements and I grow a bit envious. Perhaps it's one of those things where the grass seems greener on the other side. But I know I've mentioned how much I LOATHE the light saber. In that respect, I guess it's good for the intended purpose. However, I do wish for a bit of variety I guess?

We actually just had a discussion today about implements as I've been having some pain in my lower back/butt/leg. I DON'T think it's spanking induced. One, I've not had many spankings lately to really cause such a thing. Two, I think it is possibly sciatica caused by an epidural with my first son's birth. I never had the pain prior to his birth and it has come and gone ever since. It just seems to have flare ups now and then. Anyways, but the fact that the pain is currently flared up brought up an implement discussion as my hubby does NOT want to be the cause of further pain or injury. In other words, he's okay with short-term pain, but not any sort of lasting damage. And of course, that's where I'm at with it too. So it seems this discussion led into implements and I did express a concern that with the light saber being so thin, if it were to hit the right spot, there could be potential to exacerbate the injury. I don't know if this is really true or not, but it would seem to make sense anyways. So while I understand that the light saber will be in his repertoire as I truly see him maybe saving it for the most heinous disrespect, it would make sense to broaden the range of implements in order to lessen the potential for injury. We are on the same page as far as that goes. So now it seems he will be in the market with something that spreads the pain, so an implement with thud versus sting. I have visions of a lovely paddle perhaps from Blondie's Place. Oh no. The next words out of his mouth. "I'd like a cricket bat." Whaaaat???"

So I did what I usually do when I don't have a clue. I googled. Why oh why did I do that? And why is my HOH so creative? Maybe I should try to compromise. A lovely ping pong paddle would be nice. Ooh - and we could get a ping pong table and play. That's a lovely bonus - too lovely to turn down I think! Hmmmm...something tells me that I just need to accept my fate. There's likely a cricket bat in our future. I guess on the positive side, we could bludgeon home intruders with it if need be.

I thought this one that I found looked appropriate for the job.

And one in action. This guy just looks like he's getting ready to paddle his woman's behind!

So I will leave you dear readers with those lovely visions in your head. Be careful what you wish for!

I Am Still Around and Trying To Sort My Brain Out!

I've been wanting to make it back to this wonderful and supportive community for awhile now. I apologize for dropping off of the face of the earth. I guess it happens to the best of us. Things got really busy and life just kind of took over as it does sometimes. I want to get back into the swing of things, so I will try try try to do that!

DD has been pretty light for us as things were just starting to get rolling when everything became insanely busy. So I admit that in a way I feel like I'm biding my time as things should slow down for us mid summer. That doesn't mean I can't work on me, but I'm afraid I'm not very good at that. I repeat to myself and have said to others in the community when questioned, "Do you really want this?" that "YES! YES I do!!" but then when push comes to shove and we're in the heat of the moment submission is so very difficult for me. Why would I ask for this and then sabotage when Tom tries to follow through? I don't know. I really can't say. But I think it's a good question that I need to figure out if we're going to grow in this kind of relationship.

I know that only I can truthfully and completely answer my own question as I'm the only one with unrestricted access to my thoughts, experiences, and feelings. I think that there is a part of me that is very afraid to let go. I think we have never had this level of trust in our marriage. I don't mean to criticize a non-DD marriage in anyway as there are many beautiful non-DD relationship out there, but I feel like DD brings trust to a deeper level. And by trust I don't mean that we mistrust one another's faithfulness to the relationship. Nothing could be further from the truth. That's an area where we both seem to have the benefit of unfettered trust in one another. This type of trust is different for both of us. For me, as the submissive one in the relationship, it is about trusting him not to break me or not to forget to allow me to be me if that makes any sense. I guess I don't want to lose myself and just be an extension of somebody else. For him, I know that every time I sabotage in the moment when he's trying to discipline or use his authority that I gave him to make a decision, it breaks down trust in the DD relationship and that it will actually work between us. It breaks down his ability to trust me to fill that submissive role that I've told him repeatedly I want to fill.

I'm actually thinking while writing, so this is turning into a rambly post. But I sincerely do want to get a grip on  where my headspace is in all of this and come to terms with what I need to work on within myself in order to have the DD/Ds relationship that I aspire to have. I'm wondering if anyone else has struggled with this? Any words of wisdom? Did anyone else go through this as they tried to transition from an egalitarian relationship to a DD/Ds relationship? As always, I'm open to any suggestions!