He Claimed Me and Tori's Questions

We got home late last night from a hockey game. We had a ton of fun together with one of our kiddos. Our kiddo was tired and playing in the other room. My husband came into the office. I was standing and leaning over the desk checking to see what I'd missed in blogland.

He comes up behind me and touches me and presses himself right up against my back. He sways. I sway. He walks away. Not far. Just to the door. Then he turns the lock and walks back over towards me. More pressing up against me. More swaying. My body responds to this amazing and loving man that I'm lucky to spend my days with.

My chest falls to the desk. My pants come off as do his and he is pressing up against me. He touches me and I'm ready for him. He enters me from behind. Slowly at first and then he picks up speed. He continues his thrusting until he comes undone. 

He cuddles me and tells me he just couldn't contain himself. He's falling in love with me all over again he says. I'm falling in love with him too. After eleven years of marriage, we're falling in love and on a second honeymoon. If only we had a beach too! 

Amazing things are happening. This was another first for us - sex from this position. Perhaps I needed to be submissive and he needed to be dominant to make it work. We'd tried years ago and it was awkward and painful and we stopped. This was pure bliss. It was intense and I felt claimed when he was done. We've had some great sex, some of it the sweet and loving kind. This was full of love, but it wasn't sweet. It was masculine and dominating and I loved every second of it. I am his. I belong to him and this was his way of letting me know that.

***Tori's Questions - What prompted the move to DD/ who initiated it? Is there one particular kind you really want to try? Do you have an agreed set of rules/ a contract?***

I initiated the move to DD. I have always been sexually closed off, a bit of a prude. It wasn't intentional. I had a religious upbringing and couldn't seem to get past the association between guilt and sex that I'd always been taught. So I had sex with my husband out of obligation. But to enjoy it or to explore it was just not something that was on my radar. I read Fifty Shades (I know, likely story here) and found it hot. I set it aside for awhile, but after a year I decided to reread it again. And it was that second reading that just changed me. I couldn't stop thinking about sex and I felt turned on nonstop. This coincided with my 34th birthday and I have to wonder if something hormonal happened as well. I started researching BDSM, but realized that I wanted more than kink. What really really turned me on when I thought about it was power exchange. I read through forums on Fetlife and over and over was drawn to people discussing TPE. Now I don't think we're totally there yet, but that's what got me on the road to DD. When I first stumbled onto DD blogs, I was initially repulsed. Sorry friends, it's just true. I wasn't ready. I didn't understand why a woman would let a man do such things. So we tried a little kink, nothing I would call real BDSM, but definitely spicier than what we had been. But I still felt like something was missing. So I kept researching and reading blogs. I came across D/s blogs and then once again DD blogs. About a month had passed. And for some reason that short passage of time was enough to make me open to what DD had to offer. I dropped hints initially. More hinting as well as some direct statements. I finally had to open up a lot more about just what I was asking. I admit that I thought I might die of embarrassment in asking for all of this. But wow, he's taking to it and we're well on our way. We have a lot to learn. Personally, I'd like a lot more on the BDSM side of things than what we're doing. But we will hopefully have many more years to explore and grow and change. So I have things to look forward to with my husband!

Hmmm...one particular kink? That is very hard as I feel like there's more things we haven't tried than we have. I'd like to go much much deeper into bondage. I've never been flogged and for some reason that holds a lot of appeal for me as does a riding crop. I'd like to continue growth in the power exchange area because I feel like there's so much room for growth. Okay, I guess you asked for one and I could go on and on. So I guess I'll just finish this question by saying I'd be up for experimenting a lot as long as it's with my husband.

As far as an agreed set of rules or contract, we do not have that. When I first started exploring I filled out and printed a list I found from some BDSM resources as to things that I'd done, wanted to try, could possibly try, or were hard limits. I simply gave it to him for some reading. He said at the time that he realized I'd looked further into this than he initially thought. Other than that though there have been no contracts. I do have rules, but we're kind of in the learning process. I'm not allowed to throw things, stomp around and yell when I can't find something, or be bitchy and disrespectful.

Thank you for the questions Tori. It was fun to give them some thought and answer them!

A Big Change

There has been change brewing. I briefly hinted in The Times I Didn't Listen that Tom and I were going back and forth on a decision. It was something that he wanted me to do and something I wasn't sure about. Initially he wanted me to give up the home daycare and take a job outside the home. However, we are in Timbuktu, USA and jobs that would make it worth it to give up my business are just not plentiful. And for what I can make with my social service background, I don't earn enough to justify a commute. But this is something he wanted and I decided to submit. It's part of why I was so busy those months that I dropped out of Blogland for awhile. I searched and submitted applications and nothing seemed right. Well, one thing led to another and we decided that I should apply to go to graduate school this coming fall. So I decided to apply to an MS program in Clinical and Community Mental Health. Then I realized that my GRE scores were too old to be valid. So I had to study for and retake the GRE in a hurry. This was no small feat considering I haven't been in a math class since 1999 unless you count statistics in the year 2000. Anyways, I'm rambling. I jumped through all of the hoops - retook the GRE, gathered letters of recommendation, which was interesting considering I haven't had a supervisor in over six years and haven't had a college professor for much longer, wrote my personal statement, and filled out the application.

That was in January and it's been a long wait since then. Well, today I got a letter. I've been accepted! I'm in. I'm excited and nervous and a bit sad at the same time. It's a tad bittersweet for me because it means tacking on years to a plan that we had to get out of Timbuktu, USA. I can't begin to describe how much we both despise our location, but we see it as a means to an end right now. It also means seeing less of my children, although when I do spend time with them once I'm in school I will no longer have other people's children's needs to care for constantly. It will be just me and mine and after running my business for nearly six years, I really really like the idea of that.

My husband is pushing me - in a good way. And this is where life can be so interesting sometimes. There was a time that I was the one who pushed. Now I'm trying to tread carefully here as to what I reveal because it's not my story to tell. So without going into detail, I will just say that my husband does not come from a very great familial background. So there was a point when we first met where he needed me to push him. It wasn't laziness on his part. It was lack of confidence and belief in himself. See our marital pattern whereby I pushed and he acquiesced has some roots that at a point in time was functional and perhaps necessary even if we are now working to undo that pattern. But now he is on the verge of finishing up one portion of his schooling. He is ready for a break before he completes his next level and he wants me to fill in that gap by finishing something that I started years ago. This won't be my first time in graduate school. A year or so into our marriage I walked away from a doctorate in Clinical Psychology program after the first year. And he is pushing me to finish. This is something that he wants for me. He knows that I only have social services to fall back on if God forbid something should ever happen to him and he wants more for me and a bit more security for our children.

We are changing and he is changing. Already I see how he is working to help me become the best version of myself that I can be. I think that's what can be so attractive about DD. If we didn't have this in our lives, I feel that I would still be stubbornly clinging to what I know and we wouldn't have started looking into jobs or schooling for me because I would've immediately dismissed it. I sometimes let fear of the unknown get in the way of my decisions. I *think* Tom knows that about me. And perhaps he's going to continue to chip away at this tendency of mine through various situations and decisions as we continue through life.

I admit that I'm excited, but scared. I'm scared because I don't know everything about my next year. I don't know my schedule. I don't know how busy I'm going to be, how much I will be gone, how much study time I will require, how many days I'll get with the kiddos, what it will look like to share homeschooling responsibilities with my husband, how much I'll enjoy my classes, what my graduate assistantship responsibilities will be, and the list could go on and on and on. I guess my Tom, my Dom, is not going to let me live life from my little hidey hole of what is safe, secure, and known. He's going to push me and that my friends is a good, good, good thing!

On another note, I do plan to answer your questions. I will likely start on some answers with my next post. It is still March, so feel free to continue to ask away if there's anything you are curious about. I'm an open book. You can ask me just about anything!

The Toilet Fiasco

So last night was kind of a whirlwind of activity that we were not anticipating. Hubby came home from school to find the toilet unbelievably clogged. I had tried to plunge it earlier to no avail. He tried to plunge it to no avail. With little ones running around our house all the time it's anyone's guess what actually happened to the toilet. So off he went to the store and came home with a snake and finally got the job done. But the jarring of the toilet from aggressive plunging caused the wax seal at the base of the toilet to break. So then he had to go back out and buy the wax seal and reseal the toilet. To make a long story short he was not in a great mood. He had papers to write that evening and his entire evening was taken up with this unexpected repair that needed to be done.

So in his bad mood, some grumpiness came my way and I did what I do best. I built my wall and protected myself, looking a bit like this.

And this.

If only the church lady mentioned in the previous post could see me now, right?

So, I was anything but the well-behaved submissive wife and he certainly wasn't being the calm and firm HOH that I'd like. I finally realized I'd spewed enough venom and through my teeth manged an "Okay dear" when he was grumbling about something else. Of course he took that as sarcasm and gave me a warning that I'd be punished if it happened again. So he said nothing when I told him to f*ck off or flipped him the bird, but when I tried to submit and barely got the nice words through my teeth, that's where he had the problem? I definitely felt a bit confused but I just let it go.

So later he realized that he'd been harsh and grumpy. I understand. If I had papers to write and came home to that I'd probably be grumpy also. It happens to the best of us. He apologized. He said he wasn't holding me accountable for anything that I said or did because he provoked me. I appreciate that. I really do. But it also leaves me feeling confused, especially since this isn't the first time something like this has happened where I've responded to his grumpiness with complete disrespect and anger and he's let it go. I guess I'm thinking that submission should happen on my end even if he's having a grumpy day and not being kind. The reality is that I WANT to be that kind of wife, the one who can turn a grumpy husband around with her kindness and submission, refusing to return grumpiness with anger. So I'm confused. I appreciate that he doesn't want to punish me for my behavior when he feels like his provoked mine, but I also feel like maybe I should be held accountable for mine no matter what.

I'm wondering if anyone else has situations like this. In other words, I'm guessing nobody else's HOH is perfect and has grumpy days. So for the subs, how do your HOHs handle it when they know their grumpiness could have played  into some nastiness on your end? Do you think a HOH should follow through with discipline in this sort of situation? For the HOHs, what are your thoughts? Do you still discipline even if you know your grumpiness has made it harder for your sub to submit?

An Interesting Week Thus Far

I don't speak about my faith much on my blog because honestly that's just not something I usually discuss here. I prefer to stick to other topics. However, this will be a post that touches on my faith as a christian. If that's not your cup of tea, just click on to the next blog in your list today!

This week has just been a surprise for me. I started off the week just really wanting to get back to where we left off with DD and continue to progress with this new dynamic. I've also started reading more and through a recommendation found the book "For Married Women Only" by Tony Evans. Normally I steer clear of bible based books and I don't think I'll go into why. That would be a really long post! However, I figured this book would help me to get into a submissive mindset.

The book is a short read. The author made his points quickly and clearly without a lot of fluff. I really liked that because it was clear exactly what he was saying. While there were several good points in the book, the one that I took away is this. When women try to lead in their marriage and take over, it gets in the way of God trying to work on our husbands. Now a person may agree or disagree with this and hey, different strokes for different folks. For me, this was personally meaningful. I've spent so much time and emotional energy trying to direct my husband into the "right" ways of doing, living, being, etc...I'm exhausted from it all! It's been too much for me to try to direct our family, push him where I think he should go, as well as take care of my own personal needs. So perhaps I should just submit and get out of God's way.

Here's a conversation that my husband initiated while I was reading this book, which he did not know I was reading as it's on my Kindle and I hadn't bothered to say anything about it. "I think we should go back to church. I may not always be able to join you because of school, but you should go. I know you need it." Well, we had gone around and around about this in the past. It's not that he's anti-church or anything, but there were some issues that I won't go into regarding church. He went on to say "I know you get a lot out of being at [specific church] and you really need it. I want you to go back and I may even join you and the boys when I'm able to."

I was stunned by that conversation as it came out of the blue. I have not brought up the issue in awhile. Anyways, after finishing the book yesterday. I decided to post something online. My husband has worked so hard passing exams, juggling school, a job, children, a wife, and everything else life throws at him. So I decided to take a moment and thank him publicly. Except I didn't use the words that I as a woman would use and have used in the past, such as "He's awesome!", "I love him so much!" or "I'm proud of how hard he works." Those are surely beautiful sentiments and most men would be happy to receive them, but I wanted to go beyond that. I wanted to use language that would speak to him as a man, so the words I chose were "I am honored to have Tom for a husband." I went on for a little bit to discuss why. My husband was obviously touched by my words and the public praise he received.

I wasn't really thinking about the post today when the phone rang. It was an elderly lady from the church we discussed earlier in the week. She's one of the kindest older women I know and cares deeply for people she knows. I hadn't heard from her in a very long time. She had no way of knowing that my husband had just decided we'd come back to the church. She called to compliment me on my post that she saw. She went on to say that she doesn't often see that kind of respect coming from a wife to her husband and she thinks it's really wonderful that I'm able to be respectful of my husband. I was floored. If only she could be a fly on the wall and see my day to day struggles with this! Then she said that we'd been prayed for at church last week.

I'm not one to get the heeby jeebies about things that are likely coincidental, but having just read that book about submitting and getting out of the way and having my husband out of the blue decide I should take the boys back to church and then being contacted by someone I admire in that church certainly gives cause to wonder if God can be intimately involved in a marriage. I'm kind of at a loss as to how this could have happened or how to interpret it, but it also fills me with hope and optimism for things to come with my marriage and with DD.

Anyways, I thought this was too good of a story not to share!

I Am Still Around and Trying To Sort My Brain Out!

I've been wanting to make it back to this wonderful and supportive community for awhile now. I apologize for dropping off of the face of the earth. I guess it happens to the best of us. Things got really busy and life just kind of took over as it does sometimes. I want to get back into the swing of things, so I will try try try to do that!

DD has been pretty light for us as things were just starting to get rolling when everything became insanely busy. So I admit that in a way I feel like I'm biding my time as things should slow down for us mid summer. That doesn't mean I can't work on me, but I'm afraid I'm not very good at that. I repeat to myself and have said to others in the community when questioned, "Do you really want this?" that "YES! YES I do!!" but then when push comes to shove and we're in the heat of the moment submission is so very difficult for me. Why would I ask for this and then sabotage when Tom tries to follow through? I don't know. I really can't say. But I think it's a good question that I need to figure out if we're going to grow in this kind of relationship.

I know that only I can truthfully and completely answer my own question as I'm the only one with unrestricted access to my thoughts, experiences, and feelings. I think that there is a part of me that is very afraid to let go. I think we have never had this level of trust in our marriage. I don't mean to criticize a non-DD marriage in anyway as there are many beautiful non-DD relationship out there, but I feel like DD brings trust to a deeper level. And by trust I don't mean that we mistrust one another's faithfulness to the relationship. Nothing could be further from the truth. That's an area where we both seem to have the benefit of unfettered trust in one another. This type of trust is different for both of us. For me, as the submissive one in the relationship, it is about trusting him not to break me or not to forget to allow me to be me if that makes any sense. I guess I don't want to lose myself and just be an extension of somebody else. For him, I know that every time I sabotage in the moment when he's trying to discipline or use his authority that I gave him to make a decision, it breaks down trust in the DD relationship and that it will actually work between us. It breaks down his ability to trust me to fill that submissive role that I've told him repeatedly I want to fill.

I'm actually thinking while writing, so this is turning into a rambly post. But I sincerely do want to get a grip on  where my headspace is in all of this and come to terms with what I need to work on within myself in order to have the DD/Ds relationship that I aspire to have. I'm wondering if anyone else has struggled with this? Any words of wisdom? Did anyone else go through this as they tried to transition from an egalitarian relationship to a DD/Ds relationship? As always, I'm open to any suggestions!

The Times I Didn't Listen And Wished That I Had

It's true that in the many years we've been together, there are times that Tom and I butt heads completely on a decision. We did not have this DD arrangement. There was no dynamic of him being in charge. We were in an "egalitarian" relationship. I use quotation marks because what we had was not what couples who have a successful egalitarian relationship have. What we had was a constant power struggle - over ten years of it in fact. There's nothing more mentally and physically draining than going through life where every day is a constant power struggle. But that's where we were.

Anyways, the point of this post is to talk about some of the times that I wish I would've let him taken the lead on the decision. I know there's more events than I will discuss, but my memory isn't overly wonderful. So here's a few that stick out in my mind a bit.

1. The time I was friends with a taker. You know those people. They're not really your friends - just so long as they benefit from the relationship and can get what they want. They don't really care for your feelings, but expect you to listen to their laundry list of woes whenever and wherever. In this particular instance, the friendship developed rapidly during a time in my life when I was dealing with things and so this was fun and irresponsible friend that fit the bill as far as my letting go and finding a release for some stressful circumstances. She was a nut from the go, continually ran her husband and guys in general through the mud, a pathological liar, unstable and mentally ill but not taking medication for it. You know, the whole nine yards of nutty. But I gave and gave and gave because there were glimpses here and there of her caring for me and because she was my "fun" friend and I didn't want to let that go. Well, when she decided to end her marriage and started dating while her husband still lived in the house, divorced him, and then gave him the runaround and threw obstacles in his way when he tried to see his kids, I just couldn't take it anymore. The situation had been souring for months and I was trying to walk that fine line of being a listening ear while not agreeing with her behavior, even trying to stick up for her husband when the opportunity arose. I thought maybe if I hung in there she'd come around and see that her behavior was nuts and decide to straighten her life out, get on meds, and resume her relationship with her husband. Boy was I delusional! But she was one of those people that hears and sees what she wants and I realized that any listening on my end was only validating her horrible behavior. My husband sang this tune for months before I finally decided to listen to him. The thing is that I knew deep down that he was right all along, but somehow it just felt wrong for him to tell me who to be friends with and I told him as much. I felt like that was crossing the line. Perhaps I should've also remembered at that point that he has never prior to that or since told me to end a friendship, even when he didn't really care for the person. This was different. He saw her draining me and using me and I just let it happen. I felt a huge weight lift off of me after ending the friendship. Now all I really regret is the countless hours poured into that friendship that could have gone towards friendships much more deserving.

2. There was the last vehicle purchase decision that I made. The vehicle had issues, but I felt it'd be okay because we were still getting a deal and once we fixed said issues it'd be fine. We're two years out and still haven't fixed the issue because we haven't had the chunk of money that we need at one time to fix the issue, which was Tom's concern and why he didn't want to get the vehicle. So we have a vehicle that can't go out of town and now our second vehicle, our good one, is down because it needs a new computer right now. So we are literally trapped within the borders of our town. Perfect!

Granted, I'm sure there are other issues where I didn't listen to him and things turned out dandy. But I guess maybe I needed to write this post because there are the times where he really does know what he's talking about and if I'd just listen to him, I'll thank him for it later.

We actually have an issue right now that we're going back and forth on. Granted, this isn't the sort of thing where I can just blindly submit as this will uproot our current lifestyle and change my current job. He's at a point where he's all for the new opportunity, but I will have to personally give up a lot in order to take it and money wise it doesn't seem worth it to me. Anyways, who knows what will happen or if the opportunity will even pan out. But I am trying to remind myself that maybe he can see something I can't and this could be a situation which in hindsight I would be happy that I listened.

Come Here

Adjusting to being led continues to be a struggle for me. The other day we had a situation in which Tom decided to critique the way I was managing our money. Let me first explain that we've actually decided that we'd eventually like for him to take over this aspect of our lives as in our case we think it would help with the dynamic we're trying to build. However, he is not wanting to take this on until he is done being a student and has more time to manage this. Anyways, things have been incredibly tight. In fact we've had more years in our marriage when money has been horribly lacking than we have where things have been semi-comfortable. That being said, we knew things would go from manageable to pretty terrible while he was in school and they have. I have continued to manage the money. It's a huge stress and headache for me, but I do it because I'm usually good at staying on top of it. Things don't always get paid on time, but it's not usually due to poor management. It's usually due to simply not having it. So here we are and I've dealt with this headache constantly all the while working an insane number of hours each week and he decides to criticize how I'm taking care of things. I immediately had one of my crazy moments.

Me: I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something to the tune of, I've managed all of this our entire married lives. Yes, sometimes things don't get paid on time. Sometimes I have to call and cancel automated payments at the last minute. But I have my reason for doing things the way I do based on the experiences I've had doing this over the years. I don't need you micromanaging what I'm doing. In the time I've been doing this, we've never had anything shut off. Our mortgage has always been paid, not always when we want it paid, but it's been paid. I've paid all of the bills and there has always been enough food to keep the kiddos fed. What more do you want?

Him: Come here.

Me: This is where I just went on and on. No idea what I said - I think just reiterating the same points, working myself up, and starting to get emotional. Oh, I do remember that I chose this moment to remind him of the one very short window in our lives when we were first married that he tried to take over the bills and it did not work out.

Him: Come here.

Me: Some more carrying on.

Him: Come here. You need to learn to listen and come when I tell you to.

Me: Carrying on in a higher pitched voice and inching forward a few feet.

Him: Come here. You're not listening. Get over here.

Me: Carrying on and dragging my body forward unwillingly until I'm standing a foot away from him.

Him: Reaches out and hugs me. You need to learn to trust me. When I tell you to come here you need to come. You do manage everything and you do a great job.

Me: Feeling humbled and incredibly daft for not listening sooner.

When Submission Hurts

I knew the day would come that submission wouldn't be easy, when something I felt extremely passionate about would be inadvertently trampled by my HOH's passion in an opposite direction. And since I've agreed in advance to submit to his decisions, I would have to follow through and do just that. That day finally came - last Friday and Saturday to be exact. I've wanted to write about the situation, examine it, and get my feelings out ever since. But every time I tried, the words that came to my head continued to plead my case and list all of the reasons that I believe my HOH was wrong. I promised myself when I began my blog that I would not use this as a place to bash Tom. So I've realized that because this topic is so sensitive to me, I just can't go into the specifics. I can only say that we had a huge difference of opinion on something that affected me personally, as well as a friend of mine.

What upset me the most about the situation is that I didn't feel listened to. Because of our schedules that day, most of my pleading of my case was done via online messages. At one point he said (typed), "Well, you're just going to do what you want to do anyways. You always do. So why are we still talking about this?" That hurt because I really was trying to submit, but I never agreed not to express my opinion and I at least want to feel heard. I honestly felt that he wasn't attending to each point I was making.

It felt a little like this.

So for me to submit, I feel like it's important to know that my points are being heard and considered. Despite feeling as though I was not heard, I felt that if I really want to continue down this DD/Ds path, that I had to submit even though I thought my HOH was making a mistake. This is NOT easy. I gave way and let him have his way and missed out on something that was very important to me. Later in a discussion with him, when my suspicion was confirmed that he had not heard the major point that would've changed his decision, I struggled with bitterness. I also felt a lack of empathy coming from him and felt left alone to grieve. None of this is really okay. But he's not perfect and he's going to make mistakes in this just as I do. So if I expect him to get over my mistakes (hello, whacking him with an implement), then I have to forgive him when I'm let down by his leadership and decisions. 

It took me awhile to get into the right head space to write this post. We've since made peace with one another, although I have let him know that when this opportunity arises next year, I fully plan to take advantage of it and hope that he is supportive. I'm hoping that since I chose to submit in this case, he will bear that in mind. I hope that I've written this post in a way that's conveyed my emotional struggle, but also been respectful towards my husband. It can be a struggle to walk that line at times.

************Well, I've decided to edit because I'm feeling that it's impossible to have a discussion about this without more information being given. I will continue to try to walk that line of being respectful and conveying the situation honestly. I became a runner a year and a half ago. I'm at the highest weight I've ever been. I'm down 30 pounds from that, but I have roughly 70 more to go. I hate hate hate being this overweight. In the past year I've run a 5k, two 7 mile races, and a half marathon. I was supposed to run an obstacle race this last weekend. We have two vehicles - only one of which is reliable enough to go out of town. That vehicle broke down. So unlucky me had no way to my race that I'd signed up for months ago. I only had one other person on my team and she lives at the race location - an hour away. I resolved not to mope around and to have a good weekend in spite of it. I learned that my brother and SIL needed childcare in order to go out of town for the weekend. So I volunteered thinking it would get my mind off of it. In the meantime, after I'd volunteered, someone offered to let me use their vehicle to go to my race. It was out of the blue and unexpected and a generous offer. It was from people that we've known for awhile, but are not very personal with if that makes any sense. So I wasn't sure how I'd feel about borrowing their vehicle and  I'd already made a promise to watch my brother's kiddos. I would never back out on someone like that. Then, my brother and SIL informed me that they changed their mind and decided not to go out of town. They no longer needed childcare and wanted to know if I still wanted the kiddos to stay that weekend or if I wanted to take their vehicle to my race the following day and watch their kiddos a different weekend. All of the kiddos would have been disappointed, but as long as we rescheduled, they would all be okay with it. So I presented all of this information to Tom via online messages as he was at work that day. My thought was that yes, it sucks for the kiddos to have to reschedule, but I also committed months ago to doing this race with a friend. It was one thing when I had no way to get  there and it's out of my control. It's quite another when that's not the case. So I ended up referring my friend to another team I knew doing the race in her town - a team where she didn't know anybody - what an awful situation to put somebody in. I was okay with it when I had no choice and no way to get there, but once I had a way there this felt completely wrong and disloyal to me to ditch her like that. But Tom was sticking to his guns that I shouldn't go. We should just go ahead and have the kiddos and get it over with because he didn't want me to reschedule for a different weekend. He had plans to study for a test (he's a full-time student right now) and he didn't want that getting in the way. However, I had plans to arrange childcare for our kiddos the entire time I was racing, so I wasn't going to leave him high and dry. Anyways, after continuing to get a no answer from him, even after he came home and I mentioned verbally (I'd already told him in writing via online message) that my brother and SIL offered their vehicle, he told me no he wasn't okay with my going. So, since I've committed to this dynamic in our relationship, I've submit despite how much it sucked. Come to find out later that night after the kiddos are already there and it's definitely too late to change anything, he tells me he didn't realize that my brother and SIL were going to let me use their vehicle. He thought I was planning on taking the other people's vehicle and that's why he wasn't comfortable with it. He would've been fine with my going. It's a classic case of he thought he knew what my argument was, so rather than read and listen fully to what I had to say he skimmed and missed important information.

I can't even begin to communicate how let down I am. I've forgiven him, but that doesn't mean I'm over the disappointment. I know I've forgiven because we've had loving interactions since then and trust me when I say I'm not the type to just be loving anyways if I haven't forgiven. But everytime I log into a certain social media site and see all of the pics of the girls hugging mud stained with that "proud as can be I conquered the world smile" on their faces, my disappointment comes up again in a fresh new wave. That will only heal with time. Now I was able to accept this a bit easier for a couple of reasons. I've been battling exhaustion and my training has not been what I wanted it to be. However, if I had been training hardcore for this for weeks on end and he last minute told me I wasn't allowed to go, I'd say screw it and accept my discipline when I got back. I work 60-72 hours a week supporting him so he can go to school. I homeschool our kiddo. And we live in constant financial stress. So if this is my way of blowing off steam, relieving stress, getting healthy, and having some fun through such a difficult time in our lives, I don't understand why he would keep that from me. And that's why I said what I did about this needing to be different when this comes up next year. If I've been consistently busting my butt to train and once again committed to meeting up with others, I'm not ditching a second time. After all, I don't want to lose my fit friends. And I don't want to feel robbed again of the sweet victory that is crossing a finish line after months of hard work and training.

I don't know when I've had a race that he didn't try to stop me at the last minute. For some reason he thinks it's incredibly inconvenient to him for me to go run a race and leave him alone for the day. Three months ago we had a similar situation. We were not in a DD relationship at the time. I'd trained well for my 7 mile race and he pitched a fit because he didn't want me to go. His reasoning - we don't have the gas money. I manage the finances and I know what we have. I went. He came with the kiddos and supported me. But it was only after we raked each other over the coals for three days straight. I didn't want to go through that this time and look where it got me. I love him and want to submit, but I'm not going to let him take away the one thing in my life that is not about him or about the kiddos.

And this is why I didn't want to fill in the specifics because I knew the tone would start to turn venomous. I'm trying not to dear readers. Please give me the benefit of the doubt on that. The reality is someone reading this may think "Wow. She's not submissive at all!" Well, I say people can think what they want to. I used to run the show and make all of the decisions and I'm tired of being in that role. Since starting DD/Ds our marriage has improved by leaps and bounds. I am very sure that divorce was only a matter of time before finding this. But that doesn't mean it's going to look perfect. And our DD/Ds relationship is not going to look like other people's. In our relationship I will absolutely express my opinion. He does have final say - as he clearly did in this situation despite how I felt about it. But I don't see expressing my opinion as topping from the bottom. Neither Tom nor I are interested in a relationship where I don't state my opinion. We've discussed this. That might work for other people, but not for me. Now there are times where he doesn't want to hear my opinion and that's a different matter. I will try to express my opinion in a way that's disrespectful to him. But especially on those issues that I am most passionate about, such as this one, I will express it whether he wants to hear it or not.

So anyways, there you go. That's the whole story as best I can relay it. I hope that it's not too much of a rant, which I did not want to do.*********************************

The Aftermath

We are three days post blowout and I'm feeling okay. As much as I hate that I went to the extreme that I did with my behavior, we are both viewing this interaction as something that was necessary and probably bound to happen at some point. It has been a growth opportunity for us. 

It has been painful for me. I've had so many feelings bouncing around. I know I've read several posts in blogland about the highs of DD being really high and the lows being really low. I've always been an emotional person, so I'm used to feeling ups and downs. But this down has been different. And it's been different because of the level of connection that my husband and I are experiencing. Honestly, if an interaction such as this one had happened three months ago, I would have fumed for days, dwelling on my own rightness. I would've eventually felt regret for my actions, but not on any sort of deep level. The regret would've been more the kind that one feels when caught doing something wrong. So I would've been more sorry about being caught in my actions and dealing with the aftermath with my husband. I don't know that I would've been genuinely sorry for having hurt him or felt at all the disconnect that occured as a result. There were so many walls then that we could fling harsh words back and forth and I could throw things at him and I never felt great sadness.

But here we are and I've felt cut to the core. Rather than dwelling on everything that I think he's done wrong and justifying my actions, I've dwelt on myself and what I need to change. I've felt deep sorrow for having hurt him and have felt the rift in the relationship. He forgave me that night and we did reconnect on a sexual level. But the next day things did not feel right. There was a huge disconnect. I could acutely feel his disappointment over the situation and his distance. I did everything I knew to do to try to restore the relationship. I tried my old way of nagging and pleading with him, which just caused him to retreat further. We did end up having a mini argument the following morning. I spent the day upset that I couldn't seem to get him to reconnect with me. Touching was off the table. I honestly wished that he would just spank my ass for the original infraction and for my huge fit and get it over with.But he said he wasn't ready to go there. By the time day two after the incident rolled around I felt absolutely desperate for connection with him. I don't know when I've felt such a strong neediness within myself.

So Day two after our blowout I tried to stop asking about the spanking and when we could take care of this. I got the same reply - that he's not ready to go there with me yet. So I took another approach. I decided to focus on my submission. I looked for any situation in which I could submit. When he spoke his preference or opinion, rather than piping in with my own I tried a "Yes, Sir." I poured his drink while he studied and tried to make sure he was comfortable. I made a meat based meal for dinner instead of going with my vegetarian leanings as I usually do. He really seemed to appreciate that one. I tried to be respectful. When he got irritated that I messed with the thermostat yet again (we tend to have thermostat wars) I apologized and changed it to what he thought it should be set at. When I wanted to change the setting in preparation for the drop in temperature that night, I asked his permission to change it. That's not something I've ever done, but it seems to be a big deal to him.

He was still studying when I went to bed and I reminded him that he could wake me up to have sex if he needed that and since he's HOH I couldn't really say no. That's one of our specific rules that I suggested when we first began TTWD. I am not allowed to turn him down for sex. Anyways, I didn't really expect anything to come of that. I knew that he knew that I missed him, but I also knew that he was tired from studying all day. So imagine my shock when I hear a voice telling me to get up and come downstairs. He took care of my pleasure first, if you know what I mean, before taking care of his own needs and then told me that he wanted to make sure that I knew I was loved. Despite the early hour in which he came to bed, it made me over the moon happy. I needed that reconnection with him.

I'm still waiting on my punishment. I honestly hope he's ready to go there soon because I don't think I will truly be able to move on until he has. I also sincerely hope he's hard and heavy with it too. He has yet to give me a punishment that's difficult to take. I can't explain it, but I feel that's what I need in order to move on. I don't know if I should just tell him that so that he can better understand my need? Or maybe this is a situation where I should just relinquish control and accept whatever he ends up deciding to do even if he takes it easy on me? I'm trying to tread carefully because I dealt a big blow to his HOH confidence when we had our blowout last Friday. I know that. So I'm trying to be extra careful not to do or say anything else that would shake his confidence. I'd love to hear people's thoughts on this one!

Overall, this has taught me not just how not to act during a punishment, but that this is the right thing for us. The deep level of connection we've had and the fact that I was able to really and truly feel it's absence is a good sign in terms of our relationship. It's the level of closeness that I want to have in my marriage. I don't want to be so numb to how he feels that big blowouts like this don't bother me and that's where we were for years. I can't go back to that, especially not now that I know what it's like to achieve a deeper connection in my marriage.

So for now I'll just continue to hang in here, try to find as many ways to submit as I possibly can so that I can help to rebuild his HOH confidence, and hopefully I'll be submitting to this punishment soon.

Epic Fail - Don't Try This At Home

As many other people in blogland point out on a regular basis, DD/TTWD is a lot of work. We had a major breakdown yesterday. We both felt at a loss afterwards.

It started like this. I felt out of sorts later in the day. I was overwhelmed with everything that needed to be done and he was grumpy when I asked for help. So it was a lovely combination. We fell into one of our old habits of flinging harsh words back and forth. And then I crossed the line by throwing something out of anger. We haven't fully developed rules yet, but this is one that I'm already well aware of. It's a nasty thing I do when I'm feeling unloved and out of control and Tom rightfully wants to break me of this. I'd love to say that throwing something was the epic failure, but the evening got much much worse.

So he immediately told me, "Upstairs. Now!" I know what that means. Time for discipline. I went upstairs and he shut the door. I was upset because I could tell how pissed off he was. And when he told me to "assume the position", I tried. But then the kiddos started following up the stairs and he turned around and yelled at them to go back downstairs. And seemed very very mad. My fear took over and I hopped down off of the bed and told him, "No!" and many other colorful things that I honestly can't remember right now. I even told him at one point, "I'm not doing this anymore. I can't trust you with this!" He insisted that we are doing this and now I can see and respect that he was fighting to maintain his HOH status and our new dynamic that overall has been helping things in our marriage. But I did not see that at the time. I let my fear and lack of trust take over. I grabbed his implement out of his hand and whacked him with it. Hard. He stiffened up and was understandably very mad. I realized that I crossed the line big time. I told him I'd submit for the punishment, but it was too late. The kiddos were trying to come in the bedroom - they're pretty young. Tom stormed off downstairs and I laid on the bed and cried. My six year old came in and wanted to know if I was okay and "What hurts mommy?" and "Did daddy hit you with the lightsaber?" If I had quietly submit to the punishment, my kiddos would've been none the wiser, but instead our older one was alarmed and worried. Tom was pissed off at me and rightfully so and I felt like a complete jerk. What a mess!

I finally went downstairs and attempts at talking between Tom and I did not go well. He felt betrayed. I'd brought up this DD/TTWD idea to him and then lashed out when he stepped up to use it. I felt misunderstood. I knew that some earlier life experiences had likely triggered my behavior. One of the things that I said when we were spouting things back and forth was that his facial expressions and tone of voice reminded me my dad when I was younger and it scared me. I thought Tom was completely out of control. Looking back, he was definitely mad at my behavior, but he was not out of control. He was not going to start swinging his implement wildly and uncontrollably. But in the moment, my faulty perception told me that was what I could expect and it freaked me out. So really I was the one out of control.

After many more harsh words exchanged he left the house to run an errand. He told me prior to leaving the house that he wasn't sure he could do DD anymore. I felt crushed. I knew that it was my fault. The reality is, despite this insanely huge and crazy episode, DD has been working for us. We've had more peace in our house in the last month than we've had in years. It has been hard though and mentally I've had doubts and fears, as I'm sure any new TIH does. But it all came to a head last night. I felt lost.

At that point I decided a visit to the DD Chat room would maybe help. Perhaps someone had been through something similar. Of course I couldn't find a single TIH in the room at that time who'd ever whacked their HOH with their implement. So that makes me feel like the problem child of the group. However, I did find some words of wisdom and some ideas. Tom returned while I was in the chat room and started asking about the conversation. So we started talking calmly together about the ideas people were putting out there. We decided that we absolutely need a safe word, so that if I'm feeling emotionally unsafe I have a way to let him know that. Also, we've talked about implementing a time in between infraction and punishment, so that Tom has plenty of time to be calm. This is the one that we haven't come to a clear cut decision on. We see the wisdom in this, but our current lifestyle is insanely busy, so we're trying to figure out the logistics of how that would work and what the length of time should be. But, thanks to finding help in the chat room, we both feel comfortable slowly moving forward. We're just adding a few more tools to help us.

I am going to have to work doubly hard at submitting, but most of all at trusting. I need to trust that my HOH is going to keep me emotionally safe. He's not really given me reason to think otherwise, so this is a matter of me changing my perception. The analogy he gave me to describe how he felt about the whole thing was this. "What if you had a new training method for our dog and you used it and she jumped up and bit you? Would you have much trust in that training method? Would you be leary of trying it again?" Not that he's trying to compare me to the dog, but the idea is that I brought this to him as a tool for our marriage, singing the praises of how DD/TTWD would work for us. He saw the potential and jumped on board. And then I lashed out at him when he utilized it. So in his mind it backfired and could easily do so again. And I see where he's coming from in thinking that.

I hope that I'm not a hopeless cause when it comes to having a DD relationship. We have had quite a few successful punishments in the last month as well as deepening of our relationship in several areas and that helps me to see our potential. There were some specific things that came up in this interaction that we obviously have had to take a step back and look at and figure out how to address. I'm thankful for the DD Community. I have somewhere to go for help and that means the world to me.

The night ended on a positive note. We cuddled and watched a movie and reconnected sexually. He did tell me that I'm still due for the original infraction, but I think he's intentionally giving it some time and space before he makes good on that promise. I don't blame him for that at all and this time I will submit like a good girl and not act like a problem child. I truly hope that I've learned my lesson and can remind myself to give him trust in the moment even when I'm not feeling trusting.

Today is a new today. I'm trying to put this epic failure behind me, but at the same time I want to hold onto the lessons that I've learned from it and hopefully prevent this kind of incident from happening in the future.

Can a Viper Not Spew Venom?

One thing I've learned from reading numerous blogs in which people had a rough start to this lifestyle is that it is a very bad idea to get caught up in grand expectations of my husband immediately transforming into this awesomely consistent HOH. The piece of advice that seems to be repeated over and over and over is not to worry about HIS behavior, but to focus on MY behavior. If I want him to be successful in taking on the HOH role, then I need to show him how wonderful it is to have a submissive wife and not worry so much about his side of things. Sounds simple enough, right? WRONG! I am wondering if there is a single submissive bone in my body. After ten years of marriage, taking on this role of TIH is completely unnatural to me. One thing that is happening is that I am being afforded amazing insight and clarity into my behavior. Have I always been this venomous? Really? Is this who my husband has been married to for ten years, because if so I'm kind of wondering why he's still here. And insight and clarity is wonderful. It truly is. But it's only the beginning.

Awareness is the first step towards changing my behavior. But how? What if a viper was told that it was no longer able to spew venom? How would it protect itself? Truly my venomous words serve a protective function for me. I know this because I do not spew venom at other people, such as friends and family. Okay, maybe I spew venom towards a select few family members when they're not around to hear it! This is a deeply ingrained way of communicating with my husband. How do I just stop? Oh sure, it would help if he would call me on it and discipline every time, but I can't expect that of him when we're first starting out. He's still getting his feet on the ground as HOH and my verbally acting out is not encouraging him to take on his role, but undermining it. I wonder if my behavior makes him doubt that I'm actually serious about this new dynamic in our marriage. I do think part of me is trying to test him, which I know is foolhardy at this point and will make things worse.

Maybe there needs to be a 12 step program for this. Spouses who are addicted to saying hurtful things and running the show can attend support groups, counseling, and go through 12 steps and be done with this addiction to control. I won't hold my breath for that one. It seems what I need is some way to stop myself in the moment. You know, that moment where you are absolutely sure of your rightness and mad as hell at whatever he is doing and you cease to care what comes out of your mouth? Yes, that is the moment where intervention needs to occur. And the thing is, the hurtful words aren't effective. They don't help the situation. It's not like the situations in which I used hurtful words eight years ago have changed his behavior and ceased to exist to the point that I no longer spew hurtful words for those same behaviors and situations. In other words, it doesn't effect positive change. All I've seen these words do is build up walls, cause a break in intimacy and friendship, and increase feelings of hostility and lack of trust. If somehow I could remember that in the moment, it would be so helpful. I guess it's just going to be a matter of attempting to make that intentional choice to stop each and every time I have an opportunity to change my words. I guess I have to believe that at some point it will become more natural and seem easier. It really really needs to because right now I feel like a viper who has been told to cease being a viper.