Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Fitness, Meet the Captain, and Answers Are Coming!

I'm participating in 40 Days of Fitness with some of you gals. I figured I should get my goals listed somewhere. But first, a bit of history because this 40 days is a part of something much larger for me.

I've struggled with weight my whole life. In adulthood, I was able to lose weight and finally got to a nice weight for my height. But it didn't stick. Marital stress, several babies, and hormonal chaos caused my body to spiral out of control. No matter what I tried, nothing worked for very long. After the birth of my second child, everything became worse. I gained 40 pounds in 4 months. I stepped on the scale one day to find that I weighed what I had when I was 9 months pregnant with him. I was horrified! I contacted my doctor and we have been working on getting my thyroid numbers to proper levels ever since. I also learned that I was vitamin D deficient, iron deficient, and have adrenal fatigue. This sounds so short and sweet, but all of this has been a process. During this time I began walking which turned to running. I love to run. It is the only time in my day that nobody is asking me for anything! It is my peace and quiet, my zen like experience in busy days. I quickly dropped 35 pounds and then I stalled...and stalled...and stalled. For a year and a half my weight stuck. I trained for and ran a half marathon, the same 7 mile race two years in a row, lifted weights, and logged my food intake on a daily basis..My weight just stuck! Enter Maria Emmerich, a nutritionist who supports a keto diet that is grain free, gluten free, and sugar free. I gave up vegetarianism and jumped on the keto boat. I'm not saying that's what others need to do by any stretch of the imagination. It's what my body needed. Gone are blood sugar drops that cause horrible mood swings - a help when you're in a DD life especially. Gone is the weight loss plateau. I've been losing steadily since starting her plan in January of 2014. I'm at a new low right now. My doctor and I are still trying to get my thyroid levels in the proper range, but finally my numbers are going up. My adrenals seem to be healing as my body has stopped crashing on the weekends. For awhile at the end of 2013 I was having "couch weekends" My definition of a couch weekend is one in which you doze on and off all weekend in order to have enough energy to get through another work week. It was awful. I felt like a sorry excuse for a mom and a wife. But it is behind me thankfully. Anyways, if my body continues to respond, I can fit into my wedding dress again either this year or next year. I'm so excited about that. I'm going to put it on and have a photo shoot or something when I get there.

Anyways, my current goals with the 40 day fitness challenge are as follows.

1. Stick to my eating plan and stop cheating on the weekends - at least not every weekend. My eating plan is grain free, gluten free, sugar free, and very low carb.

2. Begin running again and get myself back to a good 3 mile training run level. I'm using the Ultimate 5k training plan from Run the Edge to get my running level back.

That's it. Two simple goals will do for me!

Onto the Captain. A new person has been commenting on my blog. His name is the Captain and he and Tom are one and the same. The name Captain came about as I was discussing with my husband how his sense of virtue, justice, and honor reminded me of Captain America. My husband is ex military and has always resonated with Captain America's sense of honor. I had suggested in the past trying a title such as Sir as many have found it effective in disciplinary situations and just as a way to get into the submissive mindset. But my husband was not fond of being called Sir. But after our discussion the other day about the Captain America, my husband has discovered that he likes being called Captain. Now I'm not running through the house calling him Captain every two seconds, but he has used it when I'm really struggling with submission and when I've gotten myself in trouble - usually from running my mouth! And it really does put me in a submissive mindset. I have to swallow that darn pride of mine in order to get the title out. He's also used it during a punishment. I had to count during a spanking and add Captain at the end of each number. So it was "One Captain, two Captain, three Captain, fou-our Captaaaain" and so on. He said he did that so that he could gauge how the punishment was going for me by the sound of my voice. It seems that so many things he does have such thought and consideration behind them. He really is amazing! So anyways, Captain has a blogger account now and will be commenting from time to time. Who knows? He may even add to posts now and then or even do his own post. I have no idea where this will lead. But Captain has boarded the boat to Blogland. He may also make an appearance on the D&L forums now that he is signed up!

As far as answers to questions, I want to let everyone know that they are coming. I've received some great questions and want to put a lot of thought into writing my answers. I've started working on some drafts, but it's taking me awhile to work through my thoughts and get them organized. Plus I'm trying to keep up with everyone else's answers to questions. March Q&A has Blogland positively exploding right now! Oh how I wish I could clone myself and then one of me would be responsible for keeping up with all of you. There's so many great bloggers out there that I would love to get to know better. I am doing my best to make the rounds and will get to as many of you as I can. Also, if there are any more questions, please feel free to post them and I'll add them to my list that I'm working on. I love learning from your thoughts and experiences and I'm so grateful that so many of you are willing to share those with others. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the posting that all of you do!

Monday, March 10, 2014

He Claimed Me and Tori's Questions

We got home late last night from a hockey game. We had a ton of fun together with one of our kiddos. Our kiddo was tired and playing in the other room. My husband came into the office. I was standing and leaning over the desk checking to see what I'd missed in blogland.

He comes up behind me and touches me and presses himself right up against my back. He sways. I sway. He walks away. Not far. Just to the door. Then he turns the lock and walks back over towards me. More pressing up against me. More swaying. My body responds to this amazing and loving man that I'm lucky to spend my days with.

My chest falls to the desk. My pants come off as do his and he is pressing up against me. He touches me and I'm ready for him. He enters me from behind. Slowly at first and then he picks up speed. He continues his thrusting until he comes undone. 

He cuddles me and tells me he just couldn't contain himself. He's falling in love with me all over again he says. I'm falling in love with him too. After eleven years of marriage, we're falling in love and on a second honeymoon. If only we had a beach too! 

Amazing things are happening. This was another first for us - sex from this position. Perhaps I needed to be submissive and he needed to be dominant to make it work. We'd tried years ago and it was awkward and painful and we stopped. This was pure bliss. It was intense and I felt claimed when he was done. We've had some great sex, some of it the sweet and loving kind. This was full of love, but it wasn't sweet. It was masculine and dominating and I loved every second of it. I am his. I belong to him and this was his way of letting me know that.

***Tori's Questions - What prompted the move to DD/ who initiated it? Is there one particular kind you really want to try? Do you have an agreed set of rules/ a contract?***

I initiated the move to DD. I have always been sexually closed off, a bit of a prude. It wasn't intentional. I had a religious upbringing and couldn't seem to get past the association between guilt and sex that I'd always been taught. So I had sex with my husband out of obligation. But to enjoy it or to explore it was just not something that was on my radar. I read Fifty Shades (I know, likely story here) and found it hot. I set it aside for awhile, but after a year I decided to reread it again. And it was that second reading that just changed me. I couldn't stop thinking about sex and I felt turned on nonstop. This coincided with my 34th birthday and I have to wonder if something hormonal happened as well. I started researching BDSM, but realized that I wanted more than kink. What really really turned me on when I thought about it was power exchange. I read through forums on Fetlife and over and over was drawn to people discussing TPE. Now I don't think we're totally there yet, but that's what got me on the road to DD. When I first stumbled onto DD blogs, I was initially repulsed. Sorry friends, it's just true. I wasn't ready. I didn't understand why a woman would let a man do such things. So we tried a little kink, nothing I would call real BDSM, but definitely spicier than what we had been. But I still felt like something was missing. So I kept researching and reading blogs. I came across D/s blogs and then once again DD blogs. About a month had passed. And for some reason that short passage of time was enough to make me open to what DD had to offer. I dropped hints initially. More hinting as well as some direct statements. I finally had to open up a lot more about just what I was asking. I admit that I thought I might die of embarrassment in asking for all of this. But wow, he's taking to it and we're well on our way. We have a lot to learn. Personally, I'd like a lot more on the BDSM side of things than what we're doing. But we will hopefully have many more years to explore and grow and change. So I have things to look forward to with my husband! particular kink? That is very hard as I feel like there's more things we haven't tried than we have. I'd like to go much much deeper into bondage. I've never been flogged and for some reason that holds a lot of appeal for me as does a riding crop. I'd like to continue growth in the power exchange area because I feel like there's so much room for growth. Okay, I guess you asked for one and I could go on and on. So I guess I'll just finish this question by saying I'd be up for experimenting a lot as long as it's with my husband.

As far as an agreed set of rules or contract, we do not have that. When I first started exploring I filled out and printed a list I found from some BDSM resources as to things that I'd done, wanted to try, could possibly try, or were hard limits. I simply gave it to him for some reading. He said at the time that he realized I'd looked further into this than he initially thought. Other than that though there have been no contracts. I do have rules, but we're kind of in the learning process. I'm not allowed to throw things, stomp around and yell when I can't find something, or be bitchy and disrespectful.

Thank you for the questions Tori. It was fun to give them some thought and answer them!

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Pants Down and Over My Lap! Plus Betsy's Questions

"Pants down and over my lap!" Tom's eyes were dark and determined, with an edge of excitement last night. It's the first time I've seen him really take charge in a punishment. Oh, he's spanked me before. But this was different. His entire demeanor exuded confidence and authority. It was such a turn on even though I was in trouble.

Earlier that day my dad had stopped by while I was trying to get five kiddos out the door for outdoor play. Nothing irritates me more than that man stopping by whenever he wants and barging in like I've got nothing going on. Listening to him talk and sing with "Grandpa's boys" and grill my oldest about how homeschooling is going while I'm clearly trying to get out the door aggravates me to no end. The man doesn't have the slightest clue of the meaning of boundaries. But I've mostly put up with his drop ins as it's usually only once every other week or so. But my agitation has gone to a new level ever since M passed away. My dad is deathly afraid of dogs to the point that he used to open the door to my house, peek his head in, "Rose, I'm here!" just so I could make sure my dog wasn't going to try to greet him when he walked in. If she dared get up the nerve to walk over to him (she was a sweet and timid little girl), his reaction was something akin to "Rose, that thing is coming by me!" M was the most docile dog ever and his reaction was over the top ridiculous. But anyways, that's not my point. After M passed away, he stopped by to see the boys. There was no peeking his head in and calling out. He barged in like he owned the place. He knew. He knew because my mom and everyone else new. He knew she was gone. Not one word. No expression of sorrow or empathy for my grief. It was almost like he was relieved that he didn't have to watch out for "that dog" anymore. That was the last time he stopped by, so when he stopped by yesterday it was the same way. No hesitancy at the door looking for the dog. That combined with my needing to get out the door and him throwing a wrench in my attempts to do so, just sent me over the edge. After he left and I had the kiddos loaded in the stroller ready to go play, I stepped back into our house to grab something and ask Tom to holler outside if the baby woke up. He could tell I was on edge. But when I went to shut the bathroom door on my way out and instead slammed it causing a bunch of our kiddos artwork that was stacked on a shelf attached to that wall to fall off, Tom informed me we'd be talking later.

Later we had an opportunity to discuss the incident a bit and Tom said he'd considered letting me off the hook once he calmed down and thought about it. But then he decided not to because he knows that I really don't want him to let me off the hook. With everything he's been reading in my blogs, he said he didn't want this to be an incident where he didn't step up and discipline. And regardless of how my dad makes me feel, he wants me to be a better person than that. So he informed me that there would be a punishment coming later that night once he was assured that we had privacy.

Yikes! That's the most I think I've seen him step up as HOH and it was a bit frightening, but in a good way. And honestly, it was a real turn on for me. There's something about him when he uses his authority and gives me his stern gaze that melts me.

I got the kiddos to bed early and that's when he issued his command. "Pants down and over my lap!" As for the punishment itself, let me say, he's a natural at lecturing. And I don't know why, but I seemed to need his lecture. It was comforting in a way. I think partly because his voice was calm the entire time. There was no anger. Also the content was soothing. It wasn't about him being mad at me, but wanting better for me. In fact, the whole thing seemed kind of selfless. He wasn't punishing because of his need to beat something out of me, but more out of my need for him to help me be the best version of myself. Perhaps it's only a matter of semantics to some, but for me it's an important difference. The punishment itself was short and sweet. It was over the lap and with his hand. I can tell that he's still afraid to hurt me too much or break me, but he deemed it was enough, so I'm not going to complain. And perhaps he was a bit lenient because he knows how my dad has the ability to set me off like no other human being alive. When he was done, he pulled me onto his lap and held me and hugged me.

"How's that for aftercare?" He asked.

"Perfect." And I cuddled into this amazing man who I feel like I'm getting to see in a whole different light now that we've added DD to our lives.

***From Betsy - What is the biggest change you have seen in Tom since you began DD? What is the biggest change Tom has seen in you?***

The biggest change I've seen in him is his confidence. I think it's changing him, having a wife who trusts him enough to say "I'm done running the show. I trust you to be in charge and I'm going to submit to you." He doesn't take it lightly and it seems that it's bolstered his confidence. It goes with him when he leaves the house and goes to school, work, wherever he goes. He's told me that he feels like he interacts with people a little bit differently. He's more sure of himself and conveys more self-respect that I've seen him do in the past. When it comes to parenting, he's quicker to jump in and tell the kiddos that they are NOT allowed to treat mom the way that they are when they are having a disrespectful moment.

The biggest change he's seen in me he says is the fact that I even chose DD at all. He says it's a complete 180 from who I was and it shocked the hell out of him. I went from "No man will ever be in charge or tell me what to do" to asking him to be in charge. He says he remembers when I was in late junior high and was cofounder of the SAM club with a friend (Sisters Against Marriage). He feels like saying I did a 180 is actually an understatement. He never thought I'd give up control like that. And he's always wanted more of this kind of relationship, but figured that he would never have it. He went into marriage with me knowing that he would never get that dynamic. But he loved me for me and was willing to give that up just so we could  be together. WOW - that's something I didn't know! At times he felt like he was being oppressed in the relationship, whereas now things are obviously different. He feels like he's been given this gift all of a sudden and I'm pretty sure that he would never go back in a million years! I wouldn't either!

Friday, March 7, 2014

A Big Change

There has been change brewing. I briefly hinted in The Times I Didn't Listen that Tom and I were going back and forth on a decision. It was something that he wanted me to do and something I wasn't sure about. Initially he wanted me to give up the home daycare and take a job outside the home. However, we are in Timbuktu, USA and jobs that would make it worth it to give up my business are just not plentiful. And for what I can make with my social service background, I don't earn enough to justify a commute. But this is something he wanted and I decided to submit. It's part of why I was so busy those months that I dropped out of Blogland for awhile. I searched and submitted applications and nothing seemed right. Well, one thing led to another and we decided that I should apply to go to graduate school this coming fall. So I decided to apply to an MS program in Clinical and Community Mental Health. Then I realized that my GRE scores were too old to be valid. So I had to study for and retake the GRE in a hurry. This was no small feat considering I haven't been in a math class since 1999 unless you count statistics in the year 2000. Anyways, I'm rambling. I jumped through all of the hoops - retook the GRE, gathered letters of recommendation, which was interesting considering I haven't had a supervisor in over six years and haven't had a college professor for much longer, wrote my personal statement, and filled out the application.

That was in January and it's been a long wait since then. Well, today I got a letter. I've been accepted! I'm in. I'm excited and nervous and a bit sad at the same time. It's a tad bittersweet for me because it means tacking on years to a plan that we had to get out of Timbuktu, USA. I can't begin to describe how much we both despise our location, but we see it as a means to an end right now. It also means seeing less of my children, although when I do spend time with them once I'm in school I will no longer have other people's children's needs to care for constantly. It will be just me and mine and after running my business for nearly six years, I really really like the idea of that.

My husband is pushing me - in a good way. And this is where life can be so interesting sometimes. There was a time that I was the one who pushed. Now I'm trying to tread carefully here as to what I reveal because it's not my story to tell. So without going into detail, I will just say that my husband does not come from a very great familial background. So there was a point when we first met where he needed me to push him. It wasn't laziness on his part. It was lack of confidence and belief in himself. See our marital pattern whereby I pushed and he acquiesced has some roots that at a point in time was functional and perhaps necessary even if we are now working to undo that pattern. But now he is on the verge of finishing up one portion of his schooling. He is ready for a break before he completes his next level and he wants me to fill in that gap by finishing something that I started years ago. This won't be my first time in graduate school. A year or so into our marriage I walked away from a doctorate in Clinical Psychology program after the first year. And he is pushing me to finish. This is something that he wants for me. He knows that I only have social services to fall back on if God forbid something should ever happen to him and he wants more for me and a bit more security for our children.

We are changing and he is changing. Already I see how he is working to help me become the best version of myself that I can be. I think that's what can be so attractive about DD. If we didn't have this in our lives, I feel that I would still be stubbornly clinging to what I know and we wouldn't have started looking into jobs or schooling for me because I would've immediately dismissed it. I sometimes let fear of the unknown get in the way of my decisions. I *think* Tom knows that about me. And perhaps he's going to continue to chip away at this tendency of mine through various situations and decisions as we continue through life.

I admit that I'm excited, but scared. I'm scared because I don't know everything about my next year. I don't know my schedule. I don't know how busy I'm going to be, how much I will be gone, how much study time I will require, how many days I'll get with the kiddos, what it will look like to share homeschooling responsibilities with my husband, how much I'll enjoy my classes, what my graduate assistantship responsibilities will be, and the list could go on and on and on. I guess my Tom, my Dom, is not going to let me live life from my little hidey hole of what is safe, secure, and known. He's going to push me and that my friends is a good, good, good thing!

On another note, I do plan to answer your questions. I will likely start on some answers with my next post. It is still March, so feel free to continue to ask away if there's anything you are curious about. I'm an open book. You can ask me just about anything!

Thursday, March 6, 2014

An Anniversary Post - And Questions of Course!

We just passed our 11th wedding anniversary date. We never do anything fun for our anniversary until after our tax return arrives, so it was a subdued night. Tom brought home some flowers and a card, which was very nice. The card was a bit kinky, which was a first for us for an anniversary card. It was a nice change! We had frozen pizza and red wine. Yes, we are very classy like that.

Anyways, with it being an anniversary post I feel the pressure to write something monumental. However, I'm feeling rather uninspired. I've been in a bit of a funk lately. In the eleven years that we've been married, we've spent about nine of them in financial hell. We are currently there while Tom finishes up his school program. I'm the one that manages the finances. This week has been nonstop phone calls and arranging this, that, or the other and frankly it has me drained. I despise managing the finances, but overall I'm good at it and Tom is too overwhelmed with school to take it over right now. However, I have noticed that more and more things are slipping through the cracks as I just can't seem to keep up anymore. So that is the mental state I'm in right now.

It's storming all around, but at least we're together.
But I will press on and write something positive. As far as DD goes, I feel like I'm doing better on my end. I don't know. I feel like something has clicked. I'm not sure how or why. I'm just tired of fighting him. What I mean is that I asked for this dynamic, but then I've continued to fight his control. I've questioned, argued, stomped, and whined. I've acted out just to see if he would step up and administer a punishment only to feel the bitter sting of disappointment and rejection when he's too busy or doesn't notice. I guess what I've realized is that everything I'm doing is communicating to him that I don't really want this. It's one thing to tell him that I want him to be HOH, but to constantly undermine that dynamic just to see if he'll follow through is not helping the situation. The reality is that nobody is perfect. I will never be the perfect submissive wife and I don't think that's what Tom would want anyways. So even if I try really hard to stop testing him and submit to his authority, there will still be plenty of opportunity for him to discipline me because I'm not perfect. But I've got to stop sabotaging the dynamic in the first place. When I'm in my right mind, I should be feeding his leadership, not undermining it. So I've definitely not been the perfect wife in the last few months, but I have for the most part stopped being imperfect on purpose if that makes any sense.

Another thing I've realized is how much I love him and how very stressed we all are right now. With him nearing completion of his school program, why would I add more stress to his life by willfully acting out? It doesn't seem like a very loving or respectful thing to do to him. So it's with these realizations that I'm moving forward in my growth as a DD wife.

I do believe that our next eleven years will be significantly better than the first. Relationally we are in a much different place. We've had so much marital strife brought on by power struggles that things just feel so much more peaceful around here. And that's something I look forward to enjoying as we move forward. Also, we do have a plan for our financial situation and after years of planning and striving we are nearing completion of one important step. Looking back on it, while things weren't always peaceful, I'm proud of the way that we worked together to make this happen. Prior to him starting school in 2010, we used to go out to dinner and have business meetings to try to figure out how best to improve our situation. It's hard to say whether we chose the "right" path, but we chose a path and have stuck to it and have worked together to make it happen. So with all of the crap that came with our first eleven years of marriage, that's something we can pull out of those years and be proud of.

On another note, a little birdie, actually a lot of different blogging birdies, have made it clear that March is question month. I have no idea if I have anything to offer in the way of answering questions, but you're welcome to ask me anything. I'm pretty much an open book and you can ask me anything, be it DD related, personal, random, ridiculous, kinky, whatever. Ask away!