MIA Since September And Where Are We With DD???

Once again, I sincerely haven't meant to fall off the face of this earth. It just kind of happened. I feel that there have been so many things keeping me from this lovely community of supportive DD/Ds participants.

My business has closed. I would've thought I would've been on my blog the next day with a big "Woohoo!" and "Let's celebrate!" type of posting. But the reality is that I went straight from struggling through the last few months of my business to throwing myself into attempts to transform a daycare home into a home that suits our needs. I spent my time going through massive amounts of toys, excessive amounts of children's books, and many personal items that were simply shoved around daycare items into spare nooks and crannies in the house. In other words, four years of daycare in this house meant that the house was full of hidden chaos and disorganization. It still is. Four years worth of shoving our belongings to the side is not fixed in a few months. But it's a lot better and we're a lot more functional.

I also decided that the eighth and ninth month of pregnancy was a lovely time to sew a bunch of handmade Christmas gifts. Do you see how logical I am? So in addition to attempting to get the house ready and struggling with the exhaustion that late pregnancy brings, I also sewed my butt off. The funny thing is that I'm not done, but part of my family will be having Christmas in February, so those gifts will be sewn after baby is born as I refuse to do another ounce of sewing in my pregnant state. There's something about sitting there in the same position at the sewing machine for hours at a time that makes it hard for me to walk for the next few days. It's not pleasant at all! I was so happy to get handmade things made for my kiddos though! I'm sad that Captain's gift still did not get done. But such is life. He will either get it late or get it for next Christmas!

And yes, I'm still pregnant. In my tenth month of pregnancy to be exact. I carried my second child into my 42nd week of pregnancy before he decided to come out and meet the world. This one is following that same path. So birthing will occur literally any minute now and we can't wait to meet our little one.

Now this all has nothing to do with DD, but I just wanted you to hear all of the personal things that have kept my time. I will share another thing that has kept me away. I've really really struggled with DD throughout this pregnancy. Early on I was disappointed that Captain "wasn't stepping up" as I saw it. And then I was mad when he did! I don't know. I feel like something switched in my pregnant and hormonal brain. Emotionally it seems that I just can't handle being spanked while pregnant. I just couldn't get in the right frame of mind to be okay with it. And it wasn't about fear of harming baby or anything as I have no doubt baby would've been fine and Captain was only doing very light spankings anyways as he is one to be very cautious about such things. It was more that the dynamic itself was getting to me. I even told him that I can't do this right now. And I feel bad for him. I know that I'm frustrating him. He feels that we start to go down the DD path again and then I dig my heels in and say, "That's it. I can't do this!" And I know that I do. There are the juicy moments of DD where it's easy to go along for the ride and feel turned on by the dynamic itself. Then there's the "in the trenches" times in DD where I don't like anything going on. I don't like DD. I don't like punishment. I don't like not having a say in things that I feel are damn worthy of my say. And I don't like Captain in those moments. I realize this all sounds very spoiled and it likely is. I don't know how to fix this about myself.

So, is DD for us? I don't know. I feel that DD shines a very large and clear mirror on a relationship. The faults become faultier. And the good things have the potential to be so fantastic that it unlocks relationship possibilities that would never have been dreamt of prior to DD.

So what's bad about us? We can't communicate for shit. There. I will just say it plainly. We have a hard time disagreeing in a manner that is loving or respectful...both of us. Opinions escalate and that turns into name calling and threats to end the relationship and other nonsense. The reality is that we are best friends and we do love each other. So I don't understand why it's so incredibly difficult for us to come to a discussion with different opinions and discuss those opinions amicably. The thing is, even with DD, I want to have my say. Now I realize that DD means being willing to give up having my way, but when it's something very important to me, I feel I should at least get to have my say before a final decision is made. Right or wrong, this is the sort of flavor of DD that makes sense to me. And to be honest, my husband wouldn't want a relationship where he's not challenged with my differing opinion on various matters. I know this to be true because he tells me this and he likes my fire and spirit. He does want me to go along with his final decision on things, but he doesn't want a Stepford wife wherein I never have any differing opinions. So this is a struggle for us. How do we find that balance where we can debate our feelings on various issues without it crossing the line that takes us into dysfunctional communication? We've done counseling in the past and I don't know whether we haven't found the right counselor or the right approach, but it hasn't been helpful for us. In fact, we felt that the money we spent on co-pays for the counseling was better spent on date nights where we could connect and have fun. Sadly, finances this past year have been terrible and so date nights are very few and far between. I do think our communication improves when we're able to get out and connect more.

What else is bad? This relates back to communication, but it seems there's a basic lack of love and respect. If you've heard of the men need respect and women need love ideas, then you will understand what I'm referring to here. The one thing that's part of this whole idea is that women are naturally wired to give love, so they don't have to work at that so much with their partners. And men are naturally wired to give respect, so they don't have to work at that as much. Well, there is so much yuck in our relationship that not only are we not giving the other partner their primary need, be it love or respect, but we're not even good at giving the secondary need that should be easier and more natural for us to give by default! So both respect and love are not being given or received by either party. I'm not saying never. As I said in the prior paragraph, we are best friends and we do love each other. But on a day to day basis, there are constant little instances where both love and respect are neglected. This is no foundation for DD because continual lack of love and respect by both parties erodes trust. Trust is essential for DD!

So this sounds pretty desperate and hopeless, huh? But there is good. We both love to laugh and have a good time. We connect over some of the same silly movies and comedians. We are both artists in some sense or another. We love to create and imagine. We both like to dream and have big ideas for our lives and where we'd like to see our family in a few years. We are both resilient and determined, not personality types to give up on something. This fortitude has been wonderful in our marriage. We have been through so much together - financial distress, unexpected job loss, vehicle repossession, miscarriage, infertility (for a time), multiple moves, full-time school for one of us, a home based business (the kind that takes over a home), struggling to buy food some months, lack of reliable vehicles, illness, etc...And guess what? We still believe in life. We believe in something good around the next bend. We believe that hard work and determination will create a better life, even if it's like the movie "Shawshank Redemption" where one must crawl through an awful lot of shit first. And guess what? We're in the shit. We've been in it for the last seven years or so. The water has gotten slightly less shitty, but there's still more to go through before we can come out the other side. But we are at a point where we can at least glimpse the other side from time to time. But let me tell you, this constant wading and struggling to hold onto that light at the end of the shit is HARD on a marriage. Any marriage - be it egalitarian, 50's style, DD, etc...

So where does this leave us with DD? Well, hubby told me the other day that he wants to return to DD. And I said I'd love to discuss that with him, but I really need time. I'll be honest. I don't want to struggle with the DD side of things while I'm working through postpartum recovery and all of the physical healing as well as emotional and mental adjustment to a new normal. I feel like it would be one more thing that would stress me out. And honestly I just want to be during that time. I want to rest, nurse my new baby, help my older kiddos adjust to the new baby, lean on Captain and be proud of him as he supports the family while I heal. What I don't want to do is obsess over where we're at with DD, what the current balance of power in our relationship is, and how should I have been more submissive today? Not while I'm healing. I just don't think I have it in me. And I know plenty of my readers do and you are BETTER women than I - truly!

I do want to return to DD. But I also feel nervous about it. My husband loves me and my family and wants the best for us. I have no doubt of that! But I also feel that sometimes his decisions are made from what is convenient and easier for him and not truly from a place of taking an honest look at my needs. Now I don't say that to bash Captain. I am just saying that's how I feel, whether that's a true assessment or not I can't say. I can only say that's how I perceive things. And this goes back to communication I know. We've never done regular check-ins or dates to discuss DD and how we think it's going and I feel without this level of communicating constantly along the way, I just can't commit to this. I can't give a blank check without lots of opportunities for feedback.

So I guess where this leaves us I don't really know. And that's confusing. And I think I've not only confused myself, but possibly anyone who actually reads this long and convoluted post.

But that's where we've been. I do hope to check in again sooner rather than later. And I apologize sincerely for not checking on everyone's blogs. I so want to catch up. I know I've missed at least two births that I can think of and I so want to check in with those ladies when I get the chance. But I also know that I'm on the verge of giving birth literally any minute and it will take me a bit to get back to this and to checking in regularly as I work to find our new normal as a slightly larger family.

Thank you for reading and I sincerely hope that everyone's 2015 is going wonderfully thus far!

I Am Still Around and Trying To Sort My Brain Out!

I've been wanting to make it back to this wonderful and supportive community for awhile now. I apologize for dropping off of the face of the earth. I guess it happens to the best of us. Things got really busy and life just kind of took over as it does sometimes. I want to get back into the swing of things, so I will try try try to do that!

DD has been pretty light for us as things were just starting to get rolling when everything became insanely busy. So I admit that in a way I feel like I'm biding my time as things should slow down for us mid summer. That doesn't mean I can't work on me, but I'm afraid I'm not very good at that. I repeat to myself and have said to others in the community when questioned, "Do you really want this?" that "YES! YES I do!!" but then when push comes to shove and we're in the heat of the moment submission is so very difficult for me. Why would I ask for this and then sabotage when Tom tries to follow through? I don't know. I really can't say. But I think it's a good question that I need to figure out if we're going to grow in this kind of relationship.

I know that only I can truthfully and completely answer my own question as I'm the only one with unrestricted access to my thoughts, experiences, and feelings. I think that there is a part of me that is very afraid to let go. I think we have never had this level of trust in our marriage. I don't mean to criticize a non-DD marriage in anyway as there are many beautiful non-DD relationship out there, but I feel like DD brings trust to a deeper level. And by trust I don't mean that we mistrust one another's faithfulness to the relationship. Nothing could be further from the truth. That's an area where we both seem to have the benefit of unfettered trust in one another. This type of trust is different for both of us. For me, as the submissive one in the relationship, it is about trusting him not to break me or not to forget to allow me to be me if that makes any sense. I guess I don't want to lose myself and just be an extension of somebody else. For him, I know that every time I sabotage in the moment when he's trying to discipline or use his authority that I gave him to make a decision, it breaks down trust in the DD relationship and that it will actually work between us. It breaks down his ability to trust me to fill that submissive role that I've told him repeatedly I want to fill.

I'm actually thinking while writing, so this is turning into a rambly post. But I sincerely do want to get a grip on  where my headspace is in all of this and come to terms with what I need to work on within myself in order to have the DD/Ds relationship that I aspire to have. I'm wondering if anyone else has struggled with this? Any words of wisdom? Did anyone else go through this as they tried to transition from an egalitarian relationship to a DD/Ds relationship? As always, I'm open to any suggestions!

Growing Pains

Tom: Let's go upstairs.

Me: Drags feet and stomps up the stairs (how did I turn into a three year old all of a sudden?)

Tom: I have to discipline you. You should've seen the look on his face.

Me: Hanging head in shame. He looks really mad. Are you in control? 

Tom: Yes. I'm mad, but I'm in control.

Me: Assumes the position.

Whack   Whack

Me: Squirm squirm Do you always have to use that thing? It's so thin that it's probably like using a cane! (speaking of his treasured lightsaber).

Tom: Yes. I like it. It's effective.

Whack

Me: Owieeee!

Tom: I'm going to five. You've got two more.

Me: Okay.

Whack

Squirm Squirm

Whack

Tom: All done.

This one was well earned friends. Hubby and I were arguing and I took it out on my oldest son. I yelled at him for something minor - ripped his little heart to shreds really. That's not the kind of mom that I want to be, not the kind of mom I feel that I am. Not by a long shot. I definitely deserved to be disciplined and probably even more so than I was.

Tom still takes it pretty easy on me when it comes to discipline, but I've noticed something. When we first began TTWD, the minute I would cry out or protest he would stop and figured I'd had enough. Now he's pushing past that point. He's not pushing past by much, but I see him evolving and growing into his HOH role.

Also, if you have read Epic Fail - Don't Try This At Home, then you are aware that we've also made progress in our ability to manage the discipline in a way that feels emotionally safe to me. Oh, we discussed safe words and 15 second rules and such after that incident, but in this moment that all left my head and all I could squeak out was, "Are you in control?" He knew what I meant and he gave me the reassurance that I needed to feel safe. As safe as one can feel when they're about to be whacked with a lightsaber anyways!

She knows she's going to get a spanking and feels a bit apprehensive. I can relate!

Well done to my HOH. I'm feeling grateful as he is learning and gaining confidence. I know that our roles feed into each other. As I improve with mine, he improves with his and vice versa. I don't believe we will ever be that couple that seemingly changes overnight. I think we will quietly creep along until one day we look back and realize how much things have changed.

Come Here

Adjusting to being led continues to be a struggle for me. The other day we had a situation in which Tom decided to critique the way I was managing our money. Let me first explain that we've actually decided that we'd eventually like for him to take over this aspect of our lives as in our case we think it would help with the dynamic we're trying to build. However, he is not wanting to take this on until he is done being a student and has more time to manage this. Anyways, things have been incredibly tight. In fact we've had more years in our marriage when money has been horribly lacking than we have where things have been semi-comfortable. That being said, we knew things would go from manageable to pretty terrible while he was in school and they have. I have continued to manage the money. It's a huge stress and headache for me, but I do it because I'm usually good at staying on top of it. Things don't always get paid on time, but it's not usually due to poor management. It's usually due to simply not having it. So here we are and I've dealt with this headache constantly all the while working an insane number of hours each week and he decides to criticize how I'm taking care of things. I immediately had one of my crazy moments.

Me: I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something to the tune of, I've managed all of this our entire married lives. Yes, sometimes things don't get paid on time. Sometimes I have to call and cancel automated payments at the last minute. But I have my reason for doing things the way I do based on the experiences I've had doing this over the years. I don't need you micromanaging what I'm doing. In the time I've been doing this, we've never had anything shut off. Our mortgage has always been paid, not always when we want it paid, but it's been paid. I've paid all of the bills and there has always been enough food to keep the kiddos fed. What more do you want?

Him: Come here.

Me: This is where I just went on and on. No idea what I said - I think just reiterating the same points, working myself up, and starting to get emotional. Oh, I do remember that I chose this moment to remind him of the one very short window in our lives when we were first married that he tried to take over the bills and it did not work out.

Him: Come here.

Me: Some more carrying on.

Him: Come here. You need to learn to listen and come when I tell you to.

Me: Carrying on in a higher pitched voice and inching forward a few feet.

Him: Come here. You're not listening. Get over here.

Me: Carrying on and dragging my body forward unwillingly until I'm standing a foot away from him.

Him: Reaches out and hugs me. You need to learn to trust me. When I tell you to come here you need to come. You do manage everything and you do a great job.

Me: Feeling humbled and incredibly daft for not listening sooner.

Epic Fail - Don't Try This At Home

As many other people in blogland point out on a regular basis, DD/TTWD is a lot of work. We had a major breakdown yesterday. We both felt at a loss afterwards.

It started like this. I felt out of sorts later in the day. I was overwhelmed with everything that needed to be done and he was grumpy when I asked for help. So it was a lovely combination. We fell into one of our old habits of flinging harsh words back and forth. And then I crossed the line by throwing something out of anger. We haven't fully developed rules yet, but this is one that I'm already well aware of. It's a nasty thing I do when I'm feeling unloved and out of control and Tom rightfully wants to break me of this. I'd love to say that throwing something was the epic failure, but the evening got much much worse.

So he immediately told me, "Upstairs. Now!" I know what that means. Time for discipline. I went upstairs and he shut the door. I was upset because I could tell how pissed off he was. And when he told me to "assume the position", I tried. But then the kiddos started following up the stairs and he turned around and yelled at them to go back downstairs. And seemed very very mad. My fear took over and I hopped down off of the bed and told him, "No!" and many other colorful things that I honestly can't remember right now. I even told him at one point, "I'm not doing this anymore. I can't trust you with this!" He insisted that we are doing this and now I can see and respect that he was fighting to maintain his HOH status and our new dynamic that overall has been helping things in our marriage. But I did not see that at the time. I let my fear and lack of trust take over. I grabbed his implement out of his hand and whacked him with it. Hard. He stiffened up and was understandably very mad. I realized that I crossed the line big time. I told him I'd submit for the punishment, but it was too late. The kiddos were trying to come in the bedroom - they're pretty young. Tom stormed off downstairs and I laid on the bed and cried. My six year old came in and wanted to know if I was okay and "What hurts mommy?" and "Did daddy hit you with the lightsaber?" If I had quietly submit to the punishment, my kiddos would've been none the wiser, but instead our older one was alarmed and worried. Tom was pissed off at me and rightfully so and I felt like a complete jerk. What a mess!

I finally went downstairs and attempts at talking between Tom and I did not go well. He felt betrayed. I'd brought up this DD/TTWD idea to him and then lashed out when he stepped up to use it. I felt misunderstood. I knew that some earlier life experiences had likely triggered my behavior. One of the things that I said when we were spouting things back and forth was that his facial expressions and tone of voice reminded me my dad when I was younger and it scared me. I thought Tom was completely out of control. Looking back, he was definitely mad at my behavior, but he was not out of control. He was not going to start swinging his implement wildly and uncontrollably. But in the moment, my faulty perception told me that was what I could expect and it freaked me out. So really I was the one out of control.

After many more harsh words exchanged he left the house to run an errand. He told me prior to leaving the house that he wasn't sure he could do DD anymore. I felt crushed. I knew that it was my fault. The reality is, despite this insanely huge and crazy episode, DD has been working for us. We've had more peace in our house in the last month than we've had in years. It has been hard though and mentally I've had doubts and fears, as I'm sure any new TIH does. But it all came to a head last night. I felt lost.

At that point I decided a visit to the DD Chat room would maybe help. Perhaps someone had been through something similar. Of course I couldn't find a single TIH in the room at that time who'd ever whacked their HOH with their implement. So that makes me feel like the problem child of the group. However, I did find some words of wisdom and some ideas. Tom returned while I was in the chat room and started asking about the conversation. So we started talking calmly together about the ideas people were putting out there. We decided that we absolutely need a safe word, so that if I'm feeling emotionally unsafe I have a way to let him know that. Also, we've talked about implementing a time in between infraction and punishment, so that Tom has plenty of time to be calm. This is the one that we haven't come to a clear cut decision on. We see the wisdom in this, but our current lifestyle is insanely busy, so we're trying to figure out the logistics of how that would work and what the length of time should be. But, thanks to finding help in the chat room, we both feel comfortable slowly moving forward. We're just adding a few more tools to help us.

I am going to have to work doubly hard at submitting, but most of all at trusting. I need to trust that my HOH is going to keep me emotionally safe. He's not really given me reason to think otherwise, so this is a matter of me changing my perception. The analogy he gave me to describe how he felt about the whole thing was this. "What if you had a new training method for our dog and you used it and she jumped up and bit you? Would you have much trust in that training method? Would you be leary of trying it again?" Not that he's trying to compare me to the dog, but the idea is that I brought this to him as a tool for our marriage, singing the praises of how DD/TTWD would work for us. He saw the potential and jumped on board. And then I lashed out at him when he utilized it. So in his mind it backfired and could easily do so again. And I see where he's coming from in thinking that.

I hope that I'm not a hopeless cause when it comes to having a DD relationship. We have had quite a few successful punishments in the last month as well as deepening of our relationship in several areas and that helps me to see our potential. There were some specific things that came up in this interaction that we obviously have had to take a step back and look at and figure out how to address. I'm thankful for the DD Community. I have somewhere to go for help and that means the world to me.

The night ended on a positive note. We cuddled and watched a movie and reconnected sexually. He did tell me that I'm still due for the original infraction, but I think he's intentionally giving it some time and space before he makes good on that promise. I don't blame him for that at all and this time I will submit like a good girl and not act like a problem child. I truly hope that I've learned my lesson and can remind myself to give him trust in the moment even when I'm not feeling trusting.

Today is a new today. I'm trying to put this epic failure behind me, but at the same time I want to hold onto the lessons that I've learned from it and hopefully prevent this kind of incident from happening in the future.