Tuesday, February 4, 2014

I Am Still Around and Trying To Sort My Brain Out!

I've been wanting to make it back to this wonderful and supportive community for awhile now. I apologize for dropping off of the face of the earth. I guess it happens to the best of us. Things got really busy and life just kind of took over as it does sometimes. I want to get back into the swing of things, so I will try try try to do that!

DD has been pretty light for us as things were just starting to get rolling when everything became insanely busy. So I admit that in a way I feel like I'm biding my time as things should slow down for us mid summer. That doesn't mean I can't work on me, but I'm afraid I'm not very good at that. I repeat to myself and have said to others in the community when questioned, "Do you really want this?" that "YES! YES I do!!" but then when push comes to shove and we're in the heat of the moment submission is so very difficult for me. Why would I ask for this and then sabotage when Tom tries to follow through? I don't know. I really can't say. But I think it's a good question that I need to figure out if we're going to grow in this kind of relationship.

I know that only I can truthfully and completely answer my own question as I'm the only one with unrestricted access to my thoughts, experiences, and feelings. I think that there is a part of me that is very afraid to let go. I think we have never had this level of trust in our marriage. I don't mean to criticize a non-DD marriage in anyway as there are many beautiful non-DD relationship out there, but I feel like DD brings trust to a deeper level. And by trust I don't mean that we mistrust one another's faithfulness to the relationship. Nothing could be further from the truth. That's an area where we both seem to have the benefit of unfettered trust in one another. This type of trust is different for both of us. For me, as the submissive one in the relationship, it is about trusting him not to break me or not to forget to allow me to be me if that makes any sense. I guess I don't want to lose myself and just be an extension of somebody else. For him, I know that every time I sabotage in the moment when he's trying to discipline or use his authority that I gave him to make a decision, it breaks down trust in the DD relationship and that it will actually work between us. It breaks down his ability to trust me to fill that submissive role that I've told him repeatedly I want to fill.

I'm actually thinking while writing, so this is turning into a rambly post. But I sincerely do want to get a grip on  where my headspace is in all of this and come to terms with what I need to work on within myself in order to have the DD/Ds relationship that I aspire to have. I'm wondering if anyone else has struggled with this? Any words of wisdom? Did anyone else go through this as they tried to transition from an egalitarian relationship to a DD/Ds relationship? As always, I'm open to any suggestions!


  1. Tomsrose,
    It is all about turst and letting go. I just posted about submission. It has taken me awhile to get there. Sometimes I still loose my way, but I am trying everyday.

    1. Thank you. The letting go is very very hard for me. I know it's just one day at a time. This post is my first attempt in awhile at really getting my head back in the game. Hopefully I will continue to take steps in the right direction!

  2. Well Rose,
    Submission looks different to everyone. Honestly. Does one KNOW what it is going to look like in their marriage? Nah they have ideas, their husbands have ideas, but in the end it continually morphs. A great deal is trial and error for many. For myself it is a heartset, not a behavior. It is a way I strive to feel. When I truly feel it, I have no issue expressing it in a manner that benefits everyone.
    As I told Catherine last night on her post, focus on the things you got right during the day when you crawl into bed at night. Remember " tomorrow is another day to get MORE right". It becomes a bit easier if you focus on the tiny details and not the big picture at times. Sometimes things become overwhelming.
    About a month ago I wrote a post and took it down, but I am seriously thinking about reposting it. In it I write about how Dd has made me MORE me. I am not an extension of someone else. I am not lost. I am stronger and have more conviction in myself than I have ever had. I am ME....that sounds so contradictory right? No, 'submission' is freedom. No pretense. No angry feelings to hide behind. It is raw, but real.
    It is scary at times, but if you answered yes to wanting this life, you will have it. You will dig deep. It won't be easy, but great things never are.

    Just remember you aren't alone. We are all here to listen and support you too!
    love willie

  3. We struggled like this for a while as well, and as said above, it took letting go. Letting go of who I am? No. Letting go of my need to control the situation. Letting go of my need to see how hard he'll hold the line he says I'm not allowed to cross. But most of all, give up my need to feel dominated. All the pushing only undermined the Duke, and made him feel like he was constantly trying to push something I was saying I wanted, but was acting at times like I didn't. I was sending him mixed signals, and making feel that nothing he did was right. I left him so beaten down and hurt. In the end, I started picturing what I wanted for DD and our marriage, and seriously asked myself how we would get there? What could I do to make sure we got there? And in the end, it meant doing things at first that I didn't always want to. It meant doing the things he asked me to without him having to ask twice. It meant going over his lap when all I wanted to do was run and hide because I was either not wanting one, or afraid. It meant giving in peacefully when he made a decision and not standing and arguing my point, especially when he was right and I just couldn't admit it. I don't know if this is where you are at or not... but this is what helped us. Now on the days I am not able to give in on my own, he now has the confidence to help me, where as before all I did was attack his confidence at every turn. It was hard to always give in at first, but it was what worked, and once I got my head in the right space, made the journey easier from there so that the Duke could find his own groove and find his own way that worked for him to be dominant.

    I am working with quite a bad cold, so if all that didn't make sense, or I was way off, sorry about that.

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

    1. Thank you EsMay. I meant to reply to this sooner. I think you hit the nail on the head. I feel like this is what I'm learning right now. I fight him on this even though I want it and I've really had to dig inside of myself and ask why? I think part of it is that it's hard for me to admit that I need this, so if he conquers me and takes my obedience, that somehow feels easier for me than willingly giving it. But I've realized in the last month that I'm adding to his stress. I'm asking for a dynamic and then fighting him on it. He's overloaded as it is with school right now and everytime I defy his wishes to see what he will do, I'm adding to his stress. I've realized that I love him too much to want to do that to him! So I'm working really hard right now on turning that behavior around! And yes, I do think that will also help his confidence. If he doesn't have to fight me on it all the time and if I feed his leadership with my submission, then he will have the confidence when he needs to use his authority to bring me to a place of submission.