Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Signing Off

I think we've come to the end of the road with this. We experimented. We learned more about ourselves, our needs, our desires, what works for us, and what doesn't work for us. I don't think we "failed." I think this is just not the right dynamic for our relationship.

I've had so much change in my life recently. There are so many in this community that I've enjoyed getting to know, ladies that I wanted to catch up with, ladies who've birthed babies this year and I wanted to check in with, and it's just not happening.

But what I want to say is thank you. Thank you for welcoming me, encouraging me, walking with me for even the short time that this was. I needed encouragement, support, reassurance, and hope that things could improve and you ladies gave me that.

We are returning to a more egalitarian dynamic. I'm not sure that my husband is crazy about the fact that we're not pursuing this any further, but I definitely think that it was making things a lot worse. Whether it's that we have the wrong personalities, too many issues, or whatever it may be, this doesn't work for us. I am planning to continue to work on my relationship with my husband. And there are lessons I can take with me. Not every argument is worth having. Sometimes it's better to keep my mouth shut until his rant is over. Sometimes it's good for him to take the lead. So I don't feel that we are going back to an old dynamic, but moving forward into a different dynamic that will hopefully incorporate some of the lessons that I've learned by participating in this community.

Thank you and I sincerely wish you all the very best!

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Baby Is Here!

I'm finally no longer pregnant! It was a long pregnancy - lasting 42 weeks and 5 days before baby decided to come. Baby boy was worth the wait! It was a lovely birth experience.

And thank you for the thoughtful responses on my last post. I will respond to those when I get a chance to do so. For now I'm basking in postpartum land enjoying my perfect new baby!

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

MIA Since September And Where Are We With DD???

Once again, I sincerely haven't meant to fall off the face of this earth. It just kind of happened. I feel that there have been so many things keeping me from this lovely community of supportive DD/Ds participants.

My business has closed. I would've thought I would've been on my blog the next day with a big "Woohoo!" and "Let's celebrate!" type of posting. But the reality is that I went straight from struggling through the last few months of my business to throwing myself into attempts to transform a daycare home into a home that suits our needs. I spent my time going through massive amounts of toys, excessive amounts of children's books, and many personal items that were simply shoved around daycare items into spare nooks and crannies in the house. In other words, four years of daycare in this house meant that the house was full of hidden chaos and disorganization. It still is. Four years worth of shoving our belongings to the side is not fixed in a few months. But it's a lot better and we're a lot more functional.

I also decided that the eighth and ninth month of pregnancy was a lovely time to sew a bunch of handmade Christmas gifts. Do you see how logical I am? So in addition to attempting to get the house ready and struggling with the exhaustion that late pregnancy brings, I also sewed my butt off. The funny thing is that I'm not done, but part of my family will be having Christmas in February, so those gifts will be sewn after baby is born as I refuse to do another ounce of sewing in my pregnant state. There's something about sitting there in the same position at the sewing machine for hours at a time that makes it hard for me to walk for the next few days. It's not pleasant at all! I was so happy to get handmade things made for my kiddos though! I'm sad that Captain's gift still did not get done. But such is life. He will either get it late or get it for next Christmas!

And yes, I'm still pregnant. In my tenth month of pregnancy to be exact. I carried my second child into my 42nd week of pregnancy before he decided to come out and meet the world. This one is following that same path. So birthing will occur literally any minute now and we can't wait to meet our little one.

Now this all has nothing to do with DD, but I just wanted you to hear all of the personal things that have kept my time. I will share another thing that has kept me away. I've really really struggled with DD throughout this pregnancy. Early on I was disappointed that Captain "wasn't stepping up" as I saw it. And then I was mad when he did! I don't know. I feel like something switched in my pregnant and hormonal brain. Emotionally it seems that I just can't handle being spanked while pregnant. I just couldn't get in the right frame of mind to be okay with it. And it wasn't about fear of harming baby or anything as I have no doubt baby would've been fine and Captain was only doing very light spankings anyways as he is one to be very cautious about such things. It was more that the dynamic itself was getting to me. I even told him that I can't do this right now. And I feel bad for him. I know that I'm frustrating him. He feels that we start to go down the DD path again and then I dig my heels in and say, "That's it. I can't do this!" And I know that I do. There are the juicy moments of DD where it's easy to go along for the ride and feel turned on by the dynamic itself. Then there's the "in the trenches" times in DD where I don't like anything going on. I don't like DD. I don't like punishment. I don't like not having a say in things that I feel are damn worthy of my say. And I don't like Captain in those moments. I realize this all sounds very spoiled and it likely is. I don't know how to fix this about myself.

So, is DD for us? I don't know. I feel that DD shines a very large and clear mirror on a relationship. The faults become faultier. And the good things have the potential to be so fantastic that it unlocks relationship possibilities that would never have been dreamt of prior to DD.

So what's bad about us? We can't communicate for shit. There. I will just say it plainly. We have a hard time disagreeing in a manner that is loving or respectful...both of us. Opinions escalate and that turns into name calling and threats to end the relationship and other nonsense. The reality is that we are best friends and we do love each other. So I don't understand why it's so incredibly difficult for us to come to a discussion with different opinions and discuss those opinions amicably. The thing is, even with DD, I want to have my say. Now I realize that DD means being willing to give up having my way, but when it's something very important to me, I feel I should at least get to have my say before a final decision is made. Right or wrong, this is the sort of flavor of DD that makes sense to me. And to be honest, my husband wouldn't want a relationship where he's not challenged with my differing opinion on various matters. I know this to be true because he tells me this and he likes my fire and spirit. He does want me to go along with his final decision on things, but he doesn't want a Stepford wife wherein I never have any differing opinions. So this is a struggle for us. How do we find that balance where we can debate our feelings on various issues without it crossing the line that takes us into dysfunctional communication? We've done counseling in the past and I don't know whether we haven't found the right counselor or the right approach, but it hasn't been helpful for us. In fact, we felt that the money we spent on co-pays for the counseling was better spent on date nights where we could connect and have fun. Sadly, finances this past year have been terrible and so date nights are very few and far between. I do think our communication improves when we're able to get out and connect more.

What else is bad? This relates back to communication, but it seems there's a basic lack of love and respect. If you've heard of the men need respect and women need love ideas, then you will understand what I'm referring to here. The one thing that's part of this whole idea is that women are naturally wired to give love, so they don't have to work at that so much with their partners. And men are naturally wired to give respect, so they don't have to work at that as much. Well, there is so much yuck in our relationship that not only are we not giving the other partner their primary need, be it love or respect, but we're not even good at giving the secondary need that should be easier and more natural for us to give by default! So both respect and love are not being given or received by either party. I'm not saying never. As I said in the prior paragraph, we are best friends and we do love each other. But on a day to day basis, there are constant little instances where both love and respect are neglected. This is no foundation for DD because continual lack of love and respect by both parties erodes trust. Trust is essential for DD!

So this sounds pretty desperate and hopeless, huh? But there is good. We both love to laugh and have a good time. We connect over some of the same silly movies and comedians. We are both artists in some sense or another. We love to create and imagine. We both like to dream and have big ideas for our lives and where we'd like to see our family in a few years. We are both resilient and determined, not personality types to give up on something. This fortitude has been wonderful in our marriage. We have been through so much together - financial distress, unexpected job loss, vehicle repossession, miscarriage, infertility (for a time), multiple moves, full-time school for one of us, a home based business (the kind that takes over a home), struggling to buy food some months, lack of reliable vehicles, illness, etc...And guess what? We still believe in life. We believe in something good around the next bend. We believe that hard work and determination will create a better life, even if it's like the movie "Shawshank Redemption" where one must crawl through an awful lot of shit first. And guess what? We're in the shit. We've been in it for the last seven years or so. The water has gotten slightly less shitty, but there's still more to go through before we can come out the other side. But we are at a point where we can at least glimpse the other side from time to time. But let me tell you, this constant wading and struggling to hold onto that light at the end of the shit is HARD on a marriage. Any marriage - be it egalitarian, 50's style, DD, etc...

So where does this leave us with DD? Well, hubby told me the other day that he wants to return to DD. And I said I'd love to discuss that with him, but I really need time. I'll be honest. I don't want to struggle with the DD side of things while I'm working through postpartum recovery and all of the physical healing as well as emotional and mental adjustment to a new normal. I feel like it would be one more thing that would stress me out. And honestly I just want to be during that time. I want to rest, nurse my new baby, help my older kiddos adjust to the new baby, lean on Captain and be proud of him as he supports the family while I heal. What I don't want to do is obsess over where we're at with DD, what the current balance of power in our relationship is, and how should I have been more submissive today? Not while I'm healing. I just don't think I have it in me. And I know plenty of my readers do and you are BETTER women than I - truly!

I do want to return to DD. But I also feel nervous about it. My husband loves me and my family and wants the best for us. I have no doubt of that! But I also feel that sometimes his decisions are made from what is convenient and easier for him and not truly from a place of taking an honest look at my needs. Now I don't say that to bash Captain. I am just saying that's how I feel, whether that's a true assessment or not I can't say. I can only say that's how I perceive things. And this goes back to communication I know. We've never done regular check-ins or dates to discuss DD and how we think it's going and I feel without this level of communicating constantly along the way, I just can't commit to this. I can't give a blank check without lots of opportunities for feedback.

So I guess where this leaves us I don't really know. And that's confusing. And I think I've not only confused myself, but possibly anyone who actually reads this long and convoluted post.

But that's where we've been. I do hope to check in again sooner rather than later. And I apologize sincerely for not checking on everyone's blogs. I so want to catch up. I know I've missed at least two births that I can think of and I so want to check in with those ladies when I get the chance. But I also know that I'm on the verge of giving birth literally any minute and it will take me a bit to get back to this and to checking in regularly as I work to find our new normal as a slightly larger family.

Thank you for reading and I sincerely hope that everyone's 2015 is going wonderfully thus far!

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Questions from Little Girl, Autumn, and Jenelle

***I would like to post a warning that midway through this post, there is mention of 9/11 and the war that follows. Please use your discretion in whether or not you want to read as I know that can be a sensitive subject, especially for those whose loved ones were directly affected. ***

Many of you are aware that we're in transition around here. While Capt completed his schooling and passed his licensing exam, he couldn't actually work with his license until it was processed by the state. Well, he is finally on the state registry. Today is his first day of orientation at his job.

I am very curious to see how things go today, as there are some details of his job that we're not sure of yet - the kind of details that will impact our plan with moving forward and putting out some form of notice to end my home daycare business.

And now, I'm going to answer some questions. These are from March Q's. Sorry. I guess it's a bit of an understatement to say I got a little off task here.

Little Girl asks - What attracted you most when you first met? Aurora asks - I'm a sucker for love stories so I guess my question would be how did you two meet?

We met a long time ago in a galaxy far away...okay, not really, but it feels like that. I was in junior high and he was in high school. We met at church youth group. We were really young. We became friends slowly but I was not attracted to him at all. When I was sixteen years old we started hanging out a bit. I needed someone to go rollerblading with and he was into that. We'd go out and rollerblade around. He taught me how to rollerblade down stairs. This is not as spectacular as it sounds. The ones I was able to do were not very steep. But he would catch me at the bottom because I had issues with not falling over once I got to the bottom. I was very thick. It never dawned on me that he had a crush on me. There was never anything sexual about our relationship - just friends. I gradually started to share more of myself with him - my thoughts, feelings, poetry (poor guy put up with your typical poorly written depressive teenage idea of poetry)- and he always cared what I had to say. We were truly best friends in every sense. And then I found out from a friend that he had a crush on me. I was surprised. Let me repeat - I was pretty thick...clueless in fact,much like the lead in one of my favorite movies at the time.

So as much as I knew it would suck I decided to have "that conversation" with him. I told him that I only saw him as a friend and that's all we would ever be and he needed to give it up and move on. Then he did what any normal person would do. He distanced himself for a bit. That was awful. We were so close at that point that I felt empty when he wasn't around. But I definitely wasn't interested. Have I mentioned that I was thick yet? Well, time came for his prom and he took me as friends. That was difficult, knowing how he felt. I didn't want to lead him on, but I also really wanted to go. To be honest, I don't know exactly when I started to feel differently. I always felt this pull towards him, but I always thought it was because he was such a great friend. At some point the line started to blur and during one of our movie nights at my house the line budged and we found ourselves holding hands. That was it. It's all so sweet and innocent looking back on it, but at the time holding hands was a really big deal to me.

I would love to say that it was all hearts and flowers from that point on. But he was the first person I'd dated and he was immediately at a very serious level with our relationship. I, on the other hand, felt afraid of moving too fast, being too serious, and being too committed. So we broke up several times over the next few years. I went off to college and dated another guy, which drove my husband to the point of madness. But you see, it was in dating this other guy that I really missed Capt. I never felt I could be myself with this other guy. I was always hiding my innermost self for fear he'd "find me out" and not like me anymore. With Capt everything was already out in the open. He knew who I was completely. But because of that things were always bumpier with Capt. We were always 100% real with one another and sometimes that meant some very hurtful interactions. As a young person, that really scared me off.

So then Capt got tired of waiting around on me...finally!

He then did what any reasonable man does when his affection isn't being returned. He joined the military! Knowing that he was going away did something to me and lo and behold we were together again before he even left for basic training. While he was gone we wrote letters - I still have all of them! My parents drove with me and we watched him graduate from basic training. He then went away for more training. I moved away from our hometown for my first post college job - a highly overrated thing if you ask me! We wrote and every once in awhile I'd be fortunate enough to get an actual phone call. Then 9/11 happened.

In all my life I've never been so horrified. I walked into the training center for my new job and everyone was gaping open mouthed at a tv screen. I soon became one of them. I remember feeling my heart split and the tears fall as I watched countless lose their lives right in front of my eyes. People's fathers, sons, daughters, mothers, dear friends, and lovers. I didn't know anyone that lived in New York city, but it didn't matter. In that moment, their pain was my pain. I grieved for everyone affected. In my grief, I also grieved for Capt. My brain was already two steps ahead. I knew what this would mean for our military. I knew what this would mean for Capt.

His unit was activated and he was sent directly from his training once completed. But, we are fortunate. While there was rumor after rumor after rumor of him being sent to some of the most hostile areas, he was not sent. He stayed in this country to fill holes left by others who were overseas. It is very selfish, I know. But I have always been beyond thankful that he never left American soil in the name of war.

He served active duty for close to a year if I remember right. During that time it was much easier to speak on the phone. I went to visit him at one point. He came to visit me on leave at another point. It was a lovely time. He took me to dinner and we were just so happy to be in one another's presence. We went to our home town and went to a friend's wedding in which I was a bridesmaid. And wouldn't you know that I caught the bouquet? And after I caught the bouquet I turned around and there he was on one knee staring up at me with a ring - he and my friend had done some planning. I was once again Clueless and failed to notice that not one other girl actually tried to get the bouquet. They were all in on it!

So we got engaged that night - obviously. He got on a plane shortly after that and we continued our long distance relationship. There continued to be rumor after rumor of him going overseas, but finally he came home and we set our wedding date. And I guess that's that because the next chapter was marriage.

Who asked who to do DD?

I asked him! It's crazy, but true. I read 50 Shades of Grey, became intrigued, and started researching online. The longer version of this is in a post, The Convoluted Trail That Led Us To DD.

Did you both know about DD when you got married or was it something you discovered online?

No - not at all! I would've run for the hills, I'm sure!

Are either of you spankos?

I don't know. I think we both might be actually. There is something both comforting and exciting about being spanked. I still don't understand it yet!

1. What is your favorite date night activity?

We both love to try new restaurants. This is not really possible where we live right now, but it was our favorite thing to do when we first got married. Go figure - we like to eat! A good movie and a cuddle is always nice. I have to admit that my favorite date was our 10 year anniversary. I wanted to go to a climbing gym and climb, but he wasn't really that interested, so we decided to do something he'd been wanting me to try for years. We went paintballing and shot at each other. It was very therapeutic. I highly recommend it. We weren't into DD then. I want to go back and do it again as I can think of some highly erotic capture/interrogation scenarios that might just be wonderful to play out in a hotel room afterwards!

2. What is your most hated implement?

My most hated implement continues to be the Lightsaber. Even the wooden cutting board thing with a handle doesn't hurt as much as that thing. He hasn't used it in a long time and I sincerely hope he doesn't get any ideas when he reads this! We still don't have a ton of variety in our implements though. Getting more implements is on the to do list. That being said, he's been very creative thus far with things we have around the house!

Monday, August 25, 2014

Rose's Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

This is a story of a day in Captain's kingdom .
Rose, Captain's fair lady, 
was entrusted with a variety of duties 
That kept the kingdom running as smoothly as possible. 

And just as in any other day in the kingdom,
there were multiple children to be juggled.
 There were numerous piles of clutter to dig through in order to find
 or the other thing. 

There were little people crying,

 "Rose. I need this!" 
"Rose. I need that!" 
 "He took my toy!" 
"He hit me!" 
 "He ate my brother!"
 And so it was mass chaos throughout the land.

Now Rose has been keeping up and doing her best for years.
Running here, running there.
Attempting to clean whilst tornadoes in the form of little boys run amok.

But Rose has been getting tired. 
And anxious.
Excited for new things to come.
But upset that they're not coming as quickly as she'd like.
Endlessly waiting for Calgon to take her away
Or at least the leprechaun at the end of the rainbow.

Now on this particular day, for whatever reason, Rose was very tired.
The children seemed ten times as loud.
The inability to find things right away seemed a hundred times more irritating.
And Rose was not getting along with Captain very well.

Rose's temper was foul.
Her tears were swift.
Her thoughts were hazy and unfocused.
The children were napping,
But rest was not hers to have.
She snapped on her Captain time and again,
Until he would have none of it.
"Upstairs!" he commanded.

Slowly she moved, 
Like a turtle through marshmallow, 
Up, up, up the stairs 
And into the bedroom.

"Get on the bed. Turn over!" Captain barked.
Rose began to quake as she heard his grumpy demeanor.
She assumed the position,
But then something happened.

All of the pent up emotion and anxiety and fatigue
That was swirling around inside
Burst through as she laid on the bed with her butt in the air
Dreading the first blow
Rose was sorry.
Sorry for being mean and nasty.
Sorry for being someone that she doesn't want to be.
Sorry that she's angry all the time.
Sorry that she's overwhelmed and can't seem to get a grip.
Just sorry sorry sorry.
And all of the sorrow poured out in sobs,
Great big, bodyshaking sobs.
And she tried to reign it in 
And gain control,
Knowing that with the first strike of the wooden board
She'd have no hope of controlling them.
She tried and tried,
But the tears kept on coming.
As she tensed and waited for the blow,
She felt herself being covered up
And she heard Captain's footsteps leave the room.
Rose relaxed her head and cried.
And then just felt kind of numb.
It really was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Getting It All Wrong - NOT a Flowery Post

I apologize for my hiatus. It's been unintentional and unfortunately will continue for a bit. I wanted to write something though so that you know that this isn't a case of blogger dropped off of the face of the earth to never return. My first trimester of pregnancy was exhausting. I've also been much sicker this pregnancy than in previous pregnancies. I feel better and am able to eat now, but due to some other circumstances we don't have internet at our house right nI ow. So keeping up with everyone's blogs and contributing to my own is impossible right now.

So I'm basically here to say that I won't be least until we get this internet kerfuffle solved.

But I am dying here a bit. I need help and support and I feel like I can't do this. I'm not submissive. I'm not respectful. I say the wrong things. I use the wrong tone of voice. I'm grumpy and needy and emotional. I've even had to ask myself the question - is this me? Am I someone who's meant to be in this kind of relationship and take on this kind of role? I have no clear message from the heavens on this one. There's been no light bulb moment of complete and absolute self-awareness. I feel miles from where everyone else in this community is in regards to having a DD relationship as the TIH partner.

I feel like my HOH is always mad at me. I'm never sorry enough or kind enough or respectful enough. He doesn't discipline. He just yells and I yell and together we yell and our oldest kiddo is sick of the yelling I'm pretty sure.

I don't think I can stomach one more marital conversation where we talk about how the yelling needs to stop and we just need to follow through with DD and how he doesn't lead because I'm just not letting him lead and I'm not letting him lead because I don't trust him enough.

I feel like we're ramming ourselves repeatedly into the same damn brick wall day after day after day.

To add to all of that, I'm still working 60 hours a week with other people's children in my home all the time. Our transition out of my business is not happening as quickly or as smoothly as I'd like. So to be honest I am angry and grumpy and tired a lot. I want to be done with my job and I want to be done three months ago. Financially everything is a mess.

When we first started DD Captain wanted me more. He touched me and was affectionate and of course there were some hot and heavy moments also. I feel like that has all died off completely to the point that I wonder if I hold any attraction for him at all. I feel like I could do a naked pole dance and he wouldn't feel inclined to put down his ipad. 

I guess this is NOT a flowery post that will make someone considering DD want to take the leap. But this is not a fantasy either. It's our real life with our real world problems and trying to learn DD amidst all of this mess has not been easy. We've been at this for roughly a year now and I feel like we've gotten nowhere. It's really pretty discouraging and I feel very disheartened and concerned for if this will ever pan out for us.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

I'm Here, But No Spanking For Awhile

I am here friends. This will be a short note, but I at least want you to know that I'm still here. AND I still plan to answer all of your lovely questions. I guess March questions will become answers for May's blogs! I hope to find some time to get to them. Life has been very busy and we've struggled a bit with TTWD, which has robbed me of motivation to find time. That being said, I miss all of you. I miss reading your blogs and commenting and otherwise engaging with my TTWD family and hope to get back to that before too long. I miss sharing my thoughts and concerns and receiving lovely support. So please know that I'm still here, just in the background a bit while we get through some busy times.

I also have to share a few things. I don't know how many of you remember that I was accepted into graduate school for this fall and received a graduate assistantship that waives my tuition. Well, it looks like I may not be going. I just think it will be a bit much with a new little one joining our home late December/ early January. Yes, you heard me right. We are expecting a bundle of joy. This will be our third love. I'm over the moon excited. Of course it throws a wrench in the graduate school plans, but if I had to choose between graduate school and a baby I'd definitely choose a baby. Several have asked me why I don't juggle both. Honestly, I don't want to. The school I was planning to attend is an hour away. So with commuting, working 13 hours a week for the assistantship, attending classes, and studying, I don't see how I'd keep my sanity with two kiddos and a newborn who all need my attention. I am still going to close the daycare. I'm honestly beyond excited about the idea of being a stay at home mom to my kiddos. I've never been able to do that and it's always something I've wanted to do. Graduate school will still be there when my kiddos are older.

Anyways, Captain once said that if I ever get pregnant spanking is off the table. I don't think spanking would hurt our little one, but having experienced pregnancy loss before, I think that we always err on the side of caution. This ought to be interesting. My hormones will be all over the place and spanking will be off the table. So we will have to be creative. This will also be a good time for me to really work hard at my ability to keep myself in check and be respectful towards Captain. I'm hoping that when the stress of the business goes away I will naturally get a bit better at those things, but time will tell.

Anyways, I'm here. I will try to stay in touch as much as I can. But please know that if you only hear from me once in awhile, things are going to be less busy down the road and I will at some point become more accessible and involved once again!