Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Questions from Little Girl, Autumn, and Jenelle

***I would like to post a warning that midway through this post, there is mention of 9/11 and the war that follows. Please use your discretion in whether or not you want to read as I know that can be a sensitive subject, especially for those whose loved ones were directly affected. ***

Many of you are aware that we're in transition around here. While Capt completed his schooling and passed his licensing exam, he couldn't actually work with his license until it was processed by the state. Well, he is finally on the state registry. Today is his first day of orientation at his job.

I am very curious to see how things go today, as there are some details of his job that we're not sure of yet - the kind of details that will impact our plan with moving forward and putting out some form of notice to end my home daycare business.

And now, I'm going to answer some questions. These are from March Q's. Sorry. I guess it's a bit of an understatement to say I got a little off task here.

Little Girl asks - What attracted you most when you first met? Aurora asks - I'm a sucker for love stories so I guess my question would be how did you two meet?

We met a long time ago in a galaxy far away...okay, not really, but it feels like that. I was in junior high and he was in high school. We met at church youth group. We were really young. We became friends slowly but I was not attracted to him at all. When I was sixteen years old we started hanging out a bit. I needed someone to go rollerblading with and he was into that. We'd go out and rollerblade around. He taught me how to rollerblade down stairs. This is not as spectacular as it sounds. The ones I was able to do were not very steep. But he would catch me at the bottom because I had issues with not falling over once I got to the bottom. I was very thick. It never dawned on me that he had a crush on me. There was never anything sexual about our relationship - just friends. I gradually started to share more of myself with him - my thoughts, feelings, poetry (poor guy put up with your typical poorly written depressive teenage idea of poetry)- and he always cared what I had to say. We were truly best friends in every sense. And then I found out from a friend that he had a crush on me. I was surprised. Let me repeat - I was pretty thick...clueless in fact,much like the lead in one of my favorite movies at the time.

So as much as I knew it would suck I decided to have "that conversation" with him. I told him that I only saw him as a friend and that's all we would ever be and he needed to give it up and move on. Then he did what any normal person would do. He distanced himself for a bit. That was awful. We were so close at that point that I felt empty when he wasn't around. But I definitely wasn't interested. Have I mentioned that I was thick yet? Well, time came for his prom and he took me as friends. That was difficult, knowing how he felt. I didn't want to lead him on, but I also really wanted to go. To be honest, I don't know exactly when I started to feel differently. I always felt this pull towards him, but I always thought it was because he was such a great friend. At some point the line started to blur and during one of our movie nights at my house the line budged and we found ourselves holding hands. That was it. It's all so sweet and innocent looking back on it, but at the time holding hands was a really big deal to me.

I would love to say that it was all hearts and flowers from that point on. But he was the first person I'd dated and he was immediately at a very serious level with our relationship. I, on the other hand, felt afraid of moving too fast, being too serious, and being too committed. So we broke up several times over the next few years. I went off to college and dated another guy, which drove my husband to the point of madness. But you see, it was in dating this other guy that I really missed Capt. I never felt I could be myself with this other guy. I was always hiding my innermost self for fear he'd "find me out" and not like me anymore. With Capt everything was already out in the open. He knew who I was completely. But because of that things were always bumpier with Capt. We were always 100% real with one another and sometimes that meant some very hurtful interactions. As a young person, that really scared me off.

So then Capt got tired of waiting around on me...finally!

He then did what any reasonable man does when his affection isn't being returned. He joined the military! Knowing that he was going away did something to me and lo and behold we were together again before he even left for basic training. While he was gone we wrote letters - I still have all of them! My parents drove with me and we watched him graduate from basic training. He then went away for more training. I moved away from our hometown for my first post college job - a highly overrated thing if you ask me! We wrote and every once in awhile I'd be fortunate enough to get an actual phone call. Then 9/11 happened.

In all my life I've never been so horrified. I walked into the training center for my new job and everyone was gaping open mouthed at a tv screen. I soon became one of them. I remember feeling my heart split and the tears fall as I watched countless lose their lives right in front of my eyes. People's fathers, sons, daughters, mothers, dear friends, and lovers. I didn't know anyone that lived in New York city, but it didn't matter. In that moment, their pain was my pain. I grieved for everyone affected. In my grief, I also grieved for Capt. My brain was already two steps ahead. I knew what this would mean for our military. I knew what this would mean for Capt.

His unit was activated and he was sent directly from his training once completed. But, we are fortunate. While there was rumor after rumor after rumor of him being sent to some of the most hostile areas, he was not sent. He stayed in this country to fill holes left by others who were overseas. It is very selfish, I know. But I have always been beyond thankful that he never left American soil in the name of war.

He served active duty for close to a year if I remember right. During that time it was much easier to speak on the phone. I went to visit him at one point. He came to visit me on leave at another point. It was a lovely time. He took me to dinner and we were just so happy to be in one another's presence. We went to our home town and went to a friend's wedding in which I was a bridesmaid. And wouldn't you know that I caught the bouquet? And after I caught the bouquet I turned around and there he was on one knee staring up at me with a ring - he and my friend had done some planning. I was once again Clueless and failed to notice that not one other girl actually tried to get the bouquet. They were all in on it!

So we got engaged that night - obviously. He got on a plane shortly after that and we continued our long distance relationship. There continued to be rumor after rumor of him going overseas, but finally he came home and we set our wedding date. And I guess that's that because the next chapter was marriage.

Who asked who to do DD?

I asked him! It's crazy, but true. I read 50 Shades of Grey, became intrigued, and started researching online. The longer version of this is in a post, The Convoluted Trail That Led Us To DD.

Did you both know about DD when you got married or was it something you discovered online?

No - not at all! I would've run for the hills, I'm sure!

Are either of you spankos?

I don't know. I think we both might be actually. There is something both comforting and exciting about being spanked. I still don't understand it yet!

1. What is your favorite date night activity?

We both love to try new restaurants. This is not really possible where we live right now, but it was our favorite thing to do when we first got married. Go figure - we like to eat! A good movie and a cuddle is always nice. I have to admit that my favorite date was our 10 year anniversary. I wanted to go to a climbing gym and climb, but he wasn't really that interested, so we decided to do something he'd been wanting me to try for years. We went paintballing and shot at each other. It was very therapeutic. I highly recommend it. We weren't into DD then. I want to go back and do it again as I can think of some highly erotic capture/interrogation scenarios that might just be wonderful to play out in a hotel room afterwards!

2. What is your most hated implement?

My most hated implement continues to be the Lightsaber. Even the wooden cutting board thing with a handle doesn't hurt as much as that thing. He hasn't used it in a long time and I sincerely hope he doesn't get any ideas when he reads this! We still don't have a ton of variety in our implements though. Getting more implements is on the to do list. That being said, he's been very creative thus far with things we have around the house!

Monday, August 25, 2014

Rose's Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

This is a story of a day in Captain's kingdom .
Rose, Captain's fair lady, 
was entrusted with a variety of duties 
That kept the kingdom running as smoothly as possible. 

And just as in any other day in the kingdom,
there were multiple children to be juggled.
 There were numerous piles of clutter to dig through in order to find
 or the other thing. 

There were little people crying,

 "Rose. I need this!" 
"Rose. I need that!" 
 "He took my toy!" 
"He hit me!" 
 "He ate my brother!"
 And so it was mass chaos throughout the land.

Now Rose has been keeping up and doing her best for years.
Running here, running there.
Attempting to clean whilst tornadoes in the form of little boys run amok.

But Rose has been getting tired. 
And anxious.
Excited for new things to come.
But upset that they're not coming as quickly as she'd like.
Endlessly waiting for Calgon to take her away
Or at least the leprechaun at the end of the rainbow.

Now on this particular day, for whatever reason, Rose was very tired.
The children seemed ten times as loud.
The inability to find things right away seemed a hundred times more irritating.
And Rose was not getting along with Captain very well.

Rose's temper was foul.
Her tears were swift.
Her thoughts were hazy and unfocused.
The children were napping,
But rest was not hers to have.
She snapped on her Captain time and again,
Until he would have none of it.
"Upstairs!" he commanded.

Slowly she moved, 
Like a turtle through marshmallow, 
Up, up, up the stairs 
And into the bedroom.

"Get on the bed. Turn over!" Captain barked.
Rose began to quake as she heard his grumpy demeanor.
She assumed the position,
But then something happened.

All of the pent up emotion and anxiety and fatigue
That was swirling around inside
Burst through as she laid on the bed with her butt in the air
Dreading the first blow
Rose was sorry.
Sorry for being mean and nasty.
Sorry for being someone that she doesn't want to be.
Sorry that she's angry all the time.
Sorry that she's overwhelmed and can't seem to get a grip.
Just sorry sorry sorry.
And all of the sorrow poured out in sobs,
Great big, bodyshaking sobs.
And she tried to reign it in 
And gain control,
Knowing that with the first strike of the wooden board
She'd have no hope of controlling them.
She tried and tried,
But the tears kept on coming.
As she tensed and waited for the blow,
She felt herself being covered up
And she heard Captain's footsteps leave the room.
Rose relaxed her head and cried.
And then just felt kind of numb.
It really was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Getting It All Wrong - NOT a Flowery Post

I apologize for my hiatus. It's been unintentional and unfortunately will continue for a bit. I wanted to write something though so that you know that this isn't a case of blogger dropped off of the face of the earth to never return. My first trimester of pregnancy was exhausting. I've also been much sicker this pregnancy than in previous pregnancies. I feel better and am able to eat now, but due to some other circumstances we don't have internet at our house right nI ow. So keeping up with everyone's blogs and contributing to my own is impossible right now.

So I'm basically here to say that I won't be least until we get this internet kerfuffle solved.

But I am dying here a bit. I need help and support and I feel like I can't do this. I'm not submissive. I'm not respectful. I say the wrong things. I use the wrong tone of voice. I'm grumpy and needy and emotional. I've even had to ask myself the question - is this me? Am I someone who's meant to be in this kind of relationship and take on this kind of role? I have no clear message from the heavens on this one. There's been no light bulb moment of complete and absolute self-awareness. I feel miles from where everyone else in this community is in regards to having a DD relationship as the TIH partner.

I feel like my HOH is always mad at me. I'm never sorry enough or kind enough or respectful enough. He doesn't discipline. He just yells and I yell and together we yell and our oldest kiddo is sick of the yelling I'm pretty sure.

I don't think I can stomach one more marital conversation where we talk about how the yelling needs to stop and we just need to follow through with DD and how he doesn't lead because I'm just not letting him lead and I'm not letting him lead because I don't trust him enough.

I feel like we're ramming ourselves repeatedly into the same damn brick wall day after day after day.

To add to all of that, I'm still working 60 hours a week with other people's children in my home all the time. Our transition out of my business is not happening as quickly or as smoothly as I'd like. So to be honest I am angry and grumpy and tired a lot. I want to be done with my job and I want to be done three months ago. Financially everything is a mess.

When we first started DD Captain wanted me more. He touched me and was affectionate and of course there were some hot and heavy moments also. I feel like that has all died off completely to the point that I wonder if I hold any attraction for him at all. I feel like I could do a naked pole dance and he wouldn't feel inclined to put down his ipad. 

I guess this is NOT a flowery post that will make someone considering DD want to take the leap. But this is not a fantasy either. It's our real life with our real world problems and trying to learn DD amidst all of this mess has not been easy. We've been at this for roughly a year now and I feel like we've gotten nowhere. It's really pretty discouraging and I feel very disheartened and concerned for if this will ever pan out for us.