MIA Since September And Where Are We With DD???

Once again, I sincerely haven't meant to fall off the face of this earth. It just kind of happened. I feel that there have been so many things keeping me from this lovely community of supportive DD/Ds participants.

My business has closed. I would've thought I would've been on my blog the next day with a big "Woohoo!" and "Let's celebrate!" type of posting. But the reality is that I went straight from struggling through the last few months of my business to throwing myself into attempts to transform a daycare home into a home that suits our needs. I spent my time going through massive amounts of toys, excessive amounts of children's books, and many personal items that were simply shoved around daycare items into spare nooks and crannies in the house. In other words, four years of daycare in this house meant that the house was full of hidden chaos and disorganization. It still is. Four years worth of shoving our belongings to the side is not fixed in a few months. But it's a lot better and we're a lot more functional.

I also decided that the eighth and ninth month of pregnancy was a lovely time to sew a bunch of handmade Christmas gifts. Do you see how logical I am? So in addition to attempting to get the house ready and struggling with the exhaustion that late pregnancy brings, I also sewed my butt off. The funny thing is that I'm not done, but part of my family will be having Christmas in February, so those gifts will be sewn after baby is born as I refuse to do another ounce of sewing in my pregnant state. There's something about sitting there in the same position at the sewing machine for hours at a time that makes it hard for me to walk for the next few days. It's not pleasant at all! I was so happy to get handmade things made for my kiddos though! I'm sad that Captain's gift still did not get done. But such is life. He will either get it late or get it for next Christmas!

And yes, I'm still pregnant. In my tenth month of pregnancy to be exact. I carried my second child into my 42nd week of pregnancy before he decided to come out and meet the world. This one is following that same path. So birthing will occur literally any minute now and we can't wait to meet our little one.

Now this all has nothing to do with DD, but I just wanted you to hear all of the personal things that have kept my time. I will share another thing that has kept me away. I've really really struggled with DD throughout this pregnancy. Early on I was disappointed that Captain "wasn't stepping up" as I saw it. And then I was mad when he did! I don't know. I feel like something switched in my pregnant and hormonal brain. Emotionally it seems that I just can't handle being spanked while pregnant. I just couldn't get in the right frame of mind to be okay with it. And it wasn't about fear of harming baby or anything as I have no doubt baby would've been fine and Captain was only doing very light spankings anyways as he is one to be very cautious about such things. It was more that the dynamic itself was getting to me. I even told him that I can't do this right now. And I feel bad for him. I know that I'm frustrating him. He feels that we start to go down the DD path again and then I dig my heels in and say, "That's it. I can't do this!" And I know that I do. There are the juicy moments of DD where it's easy to go along for the ride and feel turned on by the dynamic itself. Then there's the "in the trenches" times in DD where I don't like anything going on. I don't like DD. I don't like punishment. I don't like not having a say in things that I feel are damn worthy of my say. And I don't like Captain in those moments. I realize this all sounds very spoiled and it likely is. I don't know how to fix this about myself.

So, is DD for us? I don't know. I feel that DD shines a very large and clear mirror on a relationship. The faults become faultier. And the good things have the potential to be so fantastic that it unlocks relationship possibilities that would never have been dreamt of prior to DD.

So what's bad about us? We can't communicate for shit. There. I will just say it plainly. We have a hard time disagreeing in a manner that is loving or respectful...both of us. Opinions escalate and that turns into name calling and threats to end the relationship and other nonsense. The reality is that we are best friends and we do love each other. So I don't understand why it's so incredibly difficult for us to come to a discussion with different opinions and discuss those opinions amicably. The thing is, even with DD, I want to have my say. Now I realize that DD means being willing to give up having my way, but when it's something very important to me, I feel I should at least get to have my say before a final decision is made. Right or wrong, this is the sort of flavor of DD that makes sense to me. And to be honest, my husband wouldn't want a relationship where he's not challenged with my differing opinion on various matters. I know this to be true because he tells me this and he likes my fire and spirit. He does want me to go along with his final decision on things, but he doesn't want a Stepford wife wherein I never have any differing opinions. So this is a struggle for us. How do we find that balance where we can debate our feelings on various issues without it crossing the line that takes us into dysfunctional communication? We've done counseling in the past and I don't know whether we haven't found the right counselor or the right approach, but it hasn't been helpful for us. In fact, we felt that the money we spent on co-pays for the counseling was better spent on date nights where we could connect and have fun. Sadly, finances this past year have been terrible and so date nights are very few and far between. I do think our communication improves when we're able to get out and connect more.

What else is bad? This relates back to communication, but it seems there's a basic lack of love and respect. If you've heard of the men need respect and women need love ideas, then you will understand what I'm referring to here. The one thing that's part of this whole idea is that women are naturally wired to give love, so they don't have to work at that so much with their partners. And men are naturally wired to give respect, so they don't have to work at that as much. Well, there is so much yuck in our relationship that not only are we not giving the other partner their primary need, be it love or respect, but we're not even good at giving the secondary need that should be easier and more natural for us to give by default! So both respect and love are not being given or received by either party. I'm not saying never. As I said in the prior paragraph, we are best friends and we do love each other. But on a day to day basis, there are constant little instances where both love and respect are neglected. This is no foundation for DD because continual lack of love and respect by both parties erodes trust. Trust is essential for DD!

So this sounds pretty desperate and hopeless, huh? But there is good. We both love to laugh and have a good time. We connect over some of the same silly movies and comedians. We are both artists in some sense or another. We love to create and imagine. We both like to dream and have big ideas for our lives and where we'd like to see our family in a few years. We are both resilient and determined, not personality types to give up on something. This fortitude has been wonderful in our marriage. We have been through so much together - financial distress, unexpected job loss, vehicle repossession, miscarriage, infertility (for a time), multiple moves, full-time school for one of us, a home based business (the kind that takes over a home), struggling to buy food some months, lack of reliable vehicles, illness, etc...And guess what? We still believe in life. We believe in something good around the next bend. We believe that hard work and determination will create a better life, even if it's like the movie "Shawshank Redemption" where one must crawl through an awful lot of shit first. And guess what? We're in the shit. We've been in it for the last seven years or so. The water has gotten slightly less shitty, but there's still more to go through before we can come out the other side. But we are at a point where we can at least glimpse the other side from time to time. But let me tell you, this constant wading and struggling to hold onto that light at the end of the shit is HARD on a marriage. Any marriage - be it egalitarian, 50's style, DD, etc...

So where does this leave us with DD? Well, hubby told me the other day that he wants to return to DD. And I said I'd love to discuss that with him, but I really need time. I'll be honest. I don't want to struggle with the DD side of things while I'm working through postpartum recovery and all of the physical healing as well as emotional and mental adjustment to a new normal. I feel like it would be one more thing that would stress me out. And honestly I just want to be during that time. I want to rest, nurse my new baby, help my older kiddos adjust to the new baby, lean on Captain and be proud of him as he supports the family while I heal. What I don't want to do is obsess over where we're at with DD, what the current balance of power in our relationship is, and how should I have been more submissive today? Not while I'm healing. I just don't think I have it in me. And I know plenty of my readers do and you are BETTER women than I - truly!

I do want to return to DD. But I also feel nervous about it. My husband loves me and my family and wants the best for us. I have no doubt of that! But I also feel that sometimes his decisions are made from what is convenient and easier for him and not truly from a place of taking an honest look at my needs. Now I don't say that to bash Captain. I am just saying that's how I feel, whether that's a true assessment or not I can't say. I can only say that's how I perceive things. And this goes back to communication I know. We've never done regular check-ins or dates to discuss DD and how we think it's going and I feel without this level of communicating constantly along the way, I just can't commit to this. I can't give a blank check without lots of opportunities for feedback.

So I guess where this leaves us I don't really know. And that's confusing. And I think I've not only confused myself, but possibly anyone who actually reads this long and convoluted post.

But that's where we've been. I do hope to check in again sooner rather than later. And I apologize sincerely for not checking on everyone's blogs. I so want to catch up. I know I've missed at least two births that I can think of and I so want to check in with those ladies when I get the chance. But I also know that I'm on the verge of giving birth literally any minute and it will take me a bit to get back to this and to checking in regularly as I work to find our new normal as a slightly larger family.

Thank you for reading and I sincerely hope that everyone's 2015 is going wonderfully thus far!

Fitness, Meet the Captain, and Answers Are Coming!

I'm participating in 40 Days of Fitness with some of you gals. I figured I should get my goals listed somewhere. But first, a bit of history because this 40 days is a part of something much larger for me.

I've struggled with weight my whole life. In adulthood, I was able to lose weight and finally got to a nice weight for my height. But it didn't stick. Marital stress, several babies, and hormonal chaos caused my body to spiral out of control. No matter what I tried, nothing worked for very long. After the birth of my second child, everything became worse. I gained 40 pounds in 4 months. I stepped on the scale one day to find that I weighed what I had when I was 9 months pregnant with him. I was horrified! I contacted my doctor and we have been working on getting my thyroid numbers to proper levels ever since. I also learned that I was vitamin D deficient, iron deficient, and have adrenal fatigue. This sounds so short and sweet, but all of this has been a process. During this time I began walking which turned to running. I love to run. It is the only time in my day that nobody is asking me for anything! It is my peace and quiet, my zen like experience in busy days. I quickly dropped 35 pounds and then I stalled...and stalled...and stalled. For a year and a half my weight stuck. I trained for and ran a half marathon, the same 7 mile race two years in a row, lifted weights, and logged my food intake on a daily basis..My weight just stuck! Enter Maria Emmerich, a nutritionist who supports a keto diet that is grain free, gluten free, and sugar free. I gave up vegetarianism and jumped on the keto boat. I'm not saying that's what others need to do by any stretch of the imagination. It's what my body needed. Gone are blood sugar drops that cause horrible mood swings - a help when you're in a DD life especially. Gone is the weight loss plateau. I've been losing steadily since starting her plan in January of 2014. I'm at a new low right now. My doctor and I are still trying to get my thyroid levels in the proper range, but finally my numbers are going up. My adrenals seem to be healing as my body has stopped crashing on the weekends. For awhile at the end of 2013 I was having "couch weekends" My definition of a couch weekend is one in which you doze on and off all weekend in order to have enough energy to get through another work week. It was awful. I felt like a sorry excuse for a mom and a wife. But it is behind me thankfully. Anyways, if my body continues to respond, I can fit into my wedding dress again either this year or next year. I'm so excited about that. I'm going to put it on and have a photo shoot or something when I get there.

Anyways, my current goals with the 40 day fitness challenge are as follows.

1. Stick to my eating plan and stop cheating on the weekends - at least not every weekend. My eating plan is grain free, gluten free, sugar free, and very low carb.

2. Begin running again and get myself back to a good 3 mile training run level. I'm using the Ultimate 5k training plan from Run the Edge to get my running level back.

That's it. Two simple goals will do for me!

Onto the Captain. A new person has been commenting on my blog. His name is the Captain and he and Tom are one and the same. The name Captain came about as I was discussing with my husband how his sense of virtue, justice, and honor reminded me of Captain America. My husband is ex military and has always resonated with Captain America's sense of honor. I had suggested in the past trying a title such as Sir as many have found it effective in disciplinary situations and just as a way to get into the submissive mindset. But my husband was not fond of being called Sir. But after our discussion the other day about the Captain America, my husband has discovered that he likes being called Captain. Now I'm not running through the house calling him Captain every two seconds, but he has used it when I'm really struggling with submission and when I've gotten myself in trouble - usually from running my mouth! And it really does put me in a submissive mindset. I have to swallow that darn pride of mine in order to get the title out. He's also used it during a punishment. I had to count during a spanking and add Captain at the end of each number. So it was "One Captain, two Captain, three Captain, fou-our Captaaaain" and so on. He said he did that so that he could gauge how the punishment was going for me by the sound of my voice. It seems that so many things he does have such thought and consideration behind them. He really is amazing! So anyways, Captain has a blogger account now and will be commenting from time to time. Who knows? He may even add to posts now and then or even do his own post. I have no idea where this will lead. But Captain has boarded the boat to Blogland. He may also make an appearance on the D&L forums now that he is signed up!

As far as answers to questions, I want to let everyone know that they are coming. I've received some great questions and want to put a lot of thought into writing my answers. I've started working on some drafts, but it's taking me awhile to work through my thoughts and get them organized. Plus I'm trying to keep up with everyone else's answers to questions. March Q&A has Blogland positively exploding right now! Oh how I wish I could clone myself and then one of me would be responsible for keeping up with all of you. There's so many great bloggers out there that I would love to get to know better. I am doing my best to make the rounds and will get to as many of you as I can. Also, if there are any more questions, please feel free to post them and I'll add them to my list that I'm working on. I love learning from your thoughts and experiences and I'm so grateful that so many of you are willing to share those with others. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the posting that all of you do!

An Interesting Week Thus Far

I don't speak about my faith much on my blog because honestly that's just not something I usually discuss here. I prefer to stick to other topics. However, this will be a post that touches on my faith as a christian. If that's not your cup of tea, just click on to the next blog in your list today!

This week has just been a surprise for me. I started off the week just really wanting to get back to where we left off with DD and continue to progress with this new dynamic. I've also started reading more and through a recommendation found the book "For Married Women Only" by Tony Evans. Normally I steer clear of bible based books and I don't think I'll go into why. That would be a really long post! However, I figured this book would help me to get into a submissive mindset.

The book is a short read. The author made his points quickly and clearly without a lot of fluff. I really liked that because it was clear exactly what he was saying. While there were several good points in the book, the one that I took away is this. When women try to lead in their marriage and take over, it gets in the way of God trying to work on our husbands. Now a person may agree or disagree with this and hey, different strokes for different folks. For me, this was personally meaningful. I've spent so much time and emotional energy trying to direct my husband into the "right" ways of doing, living, being, etc...I'm exhausted from it all! It's been too much for me to try to direct our family, push him where I think he should go, as well as take care of my own personal needs. So perhaps I should just submit and get out of God's way.

Here's a conversation that my husband initiated while I was reading this book, which he did not know I was reading as it's on my Kindle and I hadn't bothered to say anything about it. "I think we should go back to church. I may not always be able to join you because of school, but you should go. I know you need it." Well, we had gone around and around about this in the past. It's not that he's anti-church or anything, but there were some issues that I won't go into regarding church. He went on to say "I know you get a lot out of being at [specific church] and you really need it. I want you to go back and I may even join you and the boys when I'm able to."

I was stunned by that conversation as it came out of the blue. I have not brought up the issue in awhile. Anyways, after finishing the book yesterday. I decided to post something online. My husband has worked so hard passing exams, juggling school, a job, children, a wife, and everything else life throws at him. So I decided to take a moment and thank him publicly. Except I didn't use the words that I as a woman would use and have used in the past, such as "He's awesome!", "I love him so much!" or "I'm proud of how hard he works." Those are surely beautiful sentiments and most men would be happy to receive them, but I wanted to go beyond that. I wanted to use language that would speak to him as a man, so the words I chose were "I am honored to have Tom for a husband." I went on for a little bit to discuss why. My husband was obviously touched by my words and the public praise he received.

I wasn't really thinking about the post today when the phone rang. It was an elderly lady from the church we discussed earlier in the week. She's one of the kindest older women I know and cares deeply for people she knows. I hadn't heard from her in a very long time. She had no way of knowing that my husband had just decided we'd come back to the church. She called to compliment me on my post that she saw. She went on to say that she doesn't often see that kind of respect coming from a wife to her husband and she thinks it's really wonderful that I'm able to be respectful of my husband. I was floored. If only she could be a fly on the wall and see my day to day struggles with this! Then she said that we'd been prayed for at church last week.

I'm not one to get the heeby jeebies about things that are likely coincidental, but having just read that book about submitting and getting out of the way and having my husband out of the blue decide I should take the boys back to church and then being contacted by someone I admire in that church certainly gives cause to wonder if God can be intimately involved in a marriage. I'm kind of at a loss as to how this could have happened or how to interpret it, but it also fills me with hope and optimism for things to come with my marriage and with DD.

Anyways, I thought this was too good of a story not to share!

Uh Oh - Someone Read My Blog!

Yesterday we had a snow day. That's probably a big shocker since I think half of the US is having snow days right now. Tom, who is usually very busy with his school program, had a day off. And do you know what he spent part of his day off doing? Is the suspense too much? Okay, I'll tell you. He spent it reading my blog!

He's been so busy juggling everything going on in our lives that this is the first time he's read it. It felt really special to me that with everything else going on in our lives and everything he has on his plate, he took the time to read through my blog. Every last post! I think it was an eye opener for him. We had let things as far as DD slide for awhile, not just a little but by a lot. In fact, it would seem that for awhile we were slipping back into our old and argumentative egalitarian pattern. I admit that I felt frustrated at times thinking that he just doesn't want to do this. And I honestly questioned whether or not I want to continue this. Oh, but I do. I have no doubt. I just wondered if it would ever pan out.

When I first approached him with DD last year, his response was that he always wanted this kind of relationship, but didn't think he would ever get it. Meaning he'd always longed for more of a D/s style relationship. So when everything fizzled out I was a bit confused and just kind of gave up a bit. We were also having some other relationship difficulties that led to ambivalence on my part as to whether or not I wanted to go down this road with him. I'm sure that he sensed my ambivalence. Anyways, as I said, he read my blog. And I think he was pleasantly surprised by a lot of what he read. He told me that he honestly didn't think I was ready for this kind of relationship and he didn't think I really knew what I was asking. But after reading my blog, he realized that I am ready to head down this path even if I have my moments of doubt and even though the submission aspect seems really difficult for me at times. He also realized that I have given this a lot of thought. We ended up having a really productive conversation. I admit that he even had a little fun at my expense when he read some of my entries. "Oh, you want me to step up more? I can do that," with a smirk. "I go easy on you, do I? Hmmm..." More smirking. "You want a variety of implements? Oh. Okay! Well, in that case we'll have an entire armory of them." You get the idea. So this is when he tells me that he's been holding back and he can go much further into this. He just didn't want to scare me off. So I'm deliciously excited and a bit nervous now - Eeep!

I kind of feel like a kitten who's suddenly discovered that she's sitting in a cage with a lion. There's probably better analogies than that, but it's the best I can think of so let's just go with it. So I'm a very nervous kitten even though I know this lion isn't going to make a meal out of me (well, he might in very specific and deliciously sexy ways), but instead he will take care of me and protect me from all the other vicious animals in the forest. But he's also going to roar at me and even swipe at me with his big ol' paw from time to time. My analogy might makes sense in my head. I don't know if I've successfully translated it to the written word, but there you have it!

A Discussion of Implements

Implements are a vast unexplored frontier in my mind. It's odd that I read about other people's experience with implements and I grow a bit envious. Perhaps it's one of those things where the grass seems greener on the other side. But I know I've mentioned how much I LOATHE the light saber. In that respect, I guess it's good for the intended purpose. However, I do wish for a bit of variety I guess?

We actually just had a discussion today about implements as I've been having some pain in my lower back/butt/leg. I DON'T think it's spanking induced. One, I've not had many spankings lately to really cause such a thing. Two, I think it is possibly sciatica caused by an epidural with my first son's birth. I never had the pain prior to his birth and it has come and gone ever since. It just seems to have flare ups now and then. Anyways, but the fact that the pain is currently flared up brought up an implement discussion as my hubby does NOT want to be the cause of further pain or injury. In other words, he's okay with short-term pain, but not any sort of lasting damage. And of course, that's where I'm at with it too. So it seems this discussion led into implements and I did express a concern that with the light saber being so thin, if it were to hit the right spot, there could be potential to exacerbate the injury. I don't know if this is really true or not, but it would seem to make sense anyways. So while I understand that the light saber will be in his repertoire as I truly see him maybe saving it for the most heinous disrespect, it would make sense to broaden the range of implements in order to lessen the potential for injury. We are on the same page as far as that goes. So now it seems he will be in the market with something that spreads the pain, so an implement with thud versus sting. I have visions of a lovely paddle perhaps from Blondie's Place. Oh no. The next words out of his mouth. "I'd like a cricket bat." Whaaaat???"

So I did what I usually do when I don't have a clue. I googled. Why oh why did I do that? And why is my HOH so creative? Maybe I should try to compromise. A lovely ping pong paddle would be nice. Ooh - and we could get a ping pong table and play. That's a lovely bonus - too lovely to turn down I think! Hmmmm...something tells me that I just need to accept my fate. There's likely a cricket bat in our future. I guess on the positive side, we could bludgeon home intruders with it if need be.

I thought this one that I found looked appropriate for the job.

And one in action. This guy just looks like he's getting ready to paddle his woman's behind!

So I will leave you dear readers with those lovely visions in your head. Be careful what you wish for!

I Am Still Around and Trying To Sort My Brain Out!

I've been wanting to make it back to this wonderful and supportive community for awhile now. I apologize for dropping off of the face of the earth. I guess it happens to the best of us. Things got really busy and life just kind of took over as it does sometimes. I want to get back into the swing of things, so I will try try try to do that!

DD has been pretty light for us as things were just starting to get rolling when everything became insanely busy. So I admit that in a way I feel like I'm biding my time as things should slow down for us mid summer. That doesn't mean I can't work on me, but I'm afraid I'm not very good at that. I repeat to myself and have said to others in the community when questioned, "Do you really want this?" that "YES! YES I do!!" but then when push comes to shove and we're in the heat of the moment submission is so very difficult for me. Why would I ask for this and then sabotage when Tom tries to follow through? I don't know. I really can't say. But I think it's a good question that I need to figure out if we're going to grow in this kind of relationship.

I know that only I can truthfully and completely answer my own question as I'm the only one with unrestricted access to my thoughts, experiences, and feelings. I think that there is a part of me that is very afraid to let go. I think we have never had this level of trust in our marriage. I don't mean to criticize a non-DD marriage in anyway as there are many beautiful non-DD relationship out there, but I feel like DD brings trust to a deeper level. And by trust I don't mean that we mistrust one another's faithfulness to the relationship. Nothing could be further from the truth. That's an area where we both seem to have the benefit of unfettered trust in one another. This type of trust is different for both of us. For me, as the submissive one in the relationship, it is about trusting him not to break me or not to forget to allow me to be me if that makes any sense. I guess I don't want to lose myself and just be an extension of somebody else. For him, I know that every time I sabotage in the moment when he's trying to discipline or use his authority that I gave him to make a decision, it breaks down trust in the DD relationship and that it will actually work between us. It breaks down his ability to trust me to fill that submissive role that I've told him repeatedly I want to fill.

I'm actually thinking while writing, so this is turning into a rambly post. But I sincerely do want to get a grip on  where my headspace is in all of this and come to terms with what I need to work on within myself in order to have the DD/Ds relationship that I aspire to have. I'm wondering if anyone else has struggled with this? Any words of wisdom? Did anyone else go through this as they tried to transition from an egalitarian relationship to a DD/Ds relationship? As always, I'm open to any suggestions!

Growing Pains

Tom: Let's go upstairs.

Me: Drags feet and stomps up the stairs (how did I turn into a three year old all of a sudden?)

Tom: I have to discipline you. You should've seen the look on his face.

Me: Hanging head in shame. He looks really mad. Are you in control? 

Tom: Yes. I'm mad, but I'm in control.

Me: Assumes the position.

Whack   Whack

Me: Squirm squirm Do you always have to use that thing? It's so thin that it's probably like using a cane! (speaking of his treasured lightsaber).

Tom: Yes. I like it. It's effective.

Whack

Me: Owieeee!

Tom: I'm going to five. You've got two more.

Me: Okay.

Whack

Squirm Squirm

Whack

Tom: All done.

This one was well earned friends. Hubby and I were arguing and I took it out on my oldest son. I yelled at him for something minor - ripped his little heart to shreds really. That's not the kind of mom that I want to be, not the kind of mom I feel that I am. Not by a long shot. I definitely deserved to be disciplined and probably even more so than I was.

Tom still takes it pretty easy on me when it comes to discipline, but I've noticed something. When we first began TTWD, the minute I would cry out or protest he would stop and figured I'd had enough. Now he's pushing past that point. He's not pushing past by much, but I see him evolving and growing into his HOH role.

Also, if you have read Epic Fail - Don't Try This At Home, then you are aware that we've also made progress in our ability to manage the discipline in a way that feels emotionally safe to me. Oh, we discussed safe words and 15 second rules and such after that incident, but in this moment that all left my head and all I could squeak out was, "Are you in control?" He knew what I meant and he gave me the reassurance that I needed to feel safe. As safe as one can feel when they're about to be whacked with a lightsaber anyways!

She knows she's going to get a spanking and feels a bit apprehensive. I can relate!

Well done to my HOH. I'm feeling grateful as he is learning and gaining confidence. I know that our roles feed into each other. As I improve with mine, he improves with his and vice versa. I don't believe we will ever be that couple that seemingly changes overnight. I think we will quietly creep along until one day we look back and realize how much things have changed.

The Aftermath

We are three days post blowout and I'm feeling okay. As much as I hate that I went to the extreme that I did with my behavior, we are both viewing this interaction as something that was necessary and probably bound to happen at some point. It has been a growth opportunity for us. 

It has been painful for me. I've had so many feelings bouncing around. I know I've read several posts in blogland about the highs of DD being really high and the lows being really low. I've always been an emotional person, so I'm used to feeling ups and downs. But this down has been different. And it's been different because of the level of connection that my husband and I are experiencing. Honestly, if an interaction such as this one had happened three months ago, I would have fumed for days, dwelling on my own rightness. I would've eventually felt regret for my actions, but not on any sort of deep level. The regret would've been more the kind that one feels when caught doing something wrong. So I would've been more sorry about being caught in my actions and dealing with the aftermath with my husband. I don't know that I would've been genuinely sorry for having hurt him or felt at all the disconnect that occured as a result. There were so many walls then that we could fling harsh words back and forth and I could throw things at him and I never felt great sadness.

But here we are and I've felt cut to the core. Rather than dwelling on everything that I think he's done wrong and justifying my actions, I've dwelt on myself and what I need to change. I've felt deep sorrow for having hurt him and have felt the rift in the relationship. He forgave me that night and we did reconnect on a sexual level. But the next day things did not feel right. There was a huge disconnect. I could acutely feel his disappointment over the situation and his distance. I did everything I knew to do to try to restore the relationship. I tried my old way of nagging and pleading with him, which just caused him to retreat further. We did end up having a mini argument the following morning. I spent the day upset that I couldn't seem to get him to reconnect with me. Touching was off the table. I honestly wished that he would just spank my ass for the original infraction and for my huge fit and get it over with.But he said he wasn't ready to go there. By the time day two after the incident rolled around I felt absolutely desperate for connection with him. I don't know when I've felt such a strong neediness within myself.

So Day two after our blowout I tried to stop asking about the spanking and when we could take care of this. I got the same reply - that he's not ready to go there with me yet. So I took another approach. I decided to focus on my submission. I looked for any situation in which I could submit. When he spoke his preference or opinion, rather than piping in with my own I tried a "Yes, Sir." I poured his drink while he studied and tried to make sure he was comfortable. I made a meat based meal for dinner instead of going with my vegetarian leanings as I usually do. He really seemed to appreciate that one. I tried to be respectful. When he got irritated that I messed with the thermostat yet again (we tend to have thermostat wars) I apologized and changed it to what he thought it should be set at. When I wanted to change the setting in preparation for the drop in temperature that night, I asked his permission to change it. That's not something I've ever done, but it seems to be a big deal to him.

He was still studying when I went to bed and I reminded him that he could wake me up to have sex if he needed that and since he's HOH I couldn't really say no. That's one of our specific rules that I suggested when we first began TTWD. I am not allowed to turn him down for sex. Anyways, I didn't really expect anything to come of that. I knew that he knew that I missed him, but I also knew that he was tired from studying all day. So imagine my shock when I hear a voice telling me to get up and come downstairs. He took care of my pleasure first, if you know what I mean, before taking care of his own needs and then told me that he wanted to make sure that I knew I was loved. Despite the early hour in which he came to bed, it made me over the moon happy. I needed that reconnection with him.

I'm still waiting on my punishment. I honestly hope he's ready to go there soon because I don't think I will truly be able to move on until he has. I also sincerely hope he's hard and heavy with it too. He has yet to give me a punishment that's difficult to take. I can't explain it, but I feel that's what I need in order to move on. I don't know if I should just tell him that so that he can better understand my need? Or maybe this is a situation where I should just relinquish control and accept whatever he ends up deciding to do even if he takes it easy on me? I'm trying to tread carefully because I dealt a big blow to his HOH confidence when we had our blowout last Friday. I know that. So I'm trying to be extra careful not to do or say anything else that would shake his confidence. I'd love to hear people's thoughts on this one!

Overall, this has taught me not just how not to act during a punishment, but that this is the right thing for us. The deep level of connection we've had and the fact that I was able to really and truly feel it's absence is a good sign in terms of our relationship. It's the level of closeness that I want to have in my marriage. I don't want to be so numb to how he feels that big blowouts like this don't bother me and that's where we were for years. I can't go back to that, especially not now that I know what it's like to achieve a deeper connection in my marriage.

So for now I'll just continue to hang in here, try to find as many ways to submit as I possibly can so that I can help to rebuild his HOH confidence, and hopefully I'll be submitting to this punishment soon.

Epic Fail - Don't Try This At Home

As many other people in blogland point out on a regular basis, DD/TTWD is a lot of work. We had a major breakdown yesterday. We both felt at a loss afterwards.

It started like this. I felt out of sorts later in the day. I was overwhelmed with everything that needed to be done and he was grumpy when I asked for help. So it was a lovely combination. We fell into one of our old habits of flinging harsh words back and forth. And then I crossed the line by throwing something out of anger. We haven't fully developed rules yet, but this is one that I'm already well aware of. It's a nasty thing I do when I'm feeling unloved and out of control and Tom rightfully wants to break me of this. I'd love to say that throwing something was the epic failure, but the evening got much much worse.

So he immediately told me, "Upstairs. Now!" I know what that means. Time for discipline. I went upstairs and he shut the door. I was upset because I could tell how pissed off he was. And when he told me to "assume the position", I tried. But then the kiddos started following up the stairs and he turned around and yelled at them to go back downstairs. And seemed very very mad. My fear took over and I hopped down off of the bed and told him, "No!" and many other colorful things that I honestly can't remember right now. I even told him at one point, "I'm not doing this anymore. I can't trust you with this!" He insisted that we are doing this and now I can see and respect that he was fighting to maintain his HOH status and our new dynamic that overall has been helping things in our marriage. But I did not see that at the time. I let my fear and lack of trust take over. I grabbed his implement out of his hand and whacked him with it. Hard. He stiffened up and was understandably very mad. I realized that I crossed the line big time. I told him I'd submit for the punishment, but it was too late. The kiddos were trying to come in the bedroom - they're pretty young. Tom stormed off downstairs and I laid on the bed and cried. My six year old came in and wanted to know if I was okay and "What hurts mommy?" and "Did daddy hit you with the lightsaber?" If I had quietly submit to the punishment, my kiddos would've been none the wiser, but instead our older one was alarmed and worried. Tom was pissed off at me and rightfully so and I felt like a complete jerk. What a mess!

I finally went downstairs and attempts at talking between Tom and I did not go well. He felt betrayed. I'd brought up this DD/TTWD idea to him and then lashed out when he stepped up to use it. I felt misunderstood. I knew that some earlier life experiences had likely triggered my behavior. One of the things that I said when we were spouting things back and forth was that his facial expressions and tone of voice reminded me my dad when I was younger and it scared me. I thought Tom was completely out of control. Looking back, he was definitely mad at my behavior, but he was not out of control. He was not going to start swinging his implement wildly and uncontrollably. But in the moment, my faulty perception told me that was what I could expect and it freaked me out. So really I was the one out of control.

After many more harsh words exchanged he left the house to run an errand. He told me prior to leaving the house that he wasn't sure he could do DD anymore. I felt crushed. I knew that it was my fault. The reality is, despite this insanely huge and crazy episode, DD has been working for us. We've had more peace in our house in the last month than we've had in years. It has been hard though and mentally I've had doubts and fears, as I'm sure any new TIH does. But it all came to a head last night. I felt lost.

At that point I decided a visit to the DD Chat room would maybe help. Perhaps someone had been through something similar. Of course I couldn't find a single TIH in the room at that time who'd ever whacked their HOH with their implement. So that makes me feel like the problem child of the group. However, I did find some words of wisdom and some ideas. Tom returned while I was in the chat room and started asking about the conversation. So we started talking calmly together about the ideas people were putting out there. We decided that we absolutely need a safe word, so that if I'm feeling emotionally unsafe I have a way to let him know that. Also, we've talked about implementing a time in between infraction and punishment, so that Tom has plenty of time to be calm. This is the one that we haven't come to a clear cut decision on. We see the wisdom in this, but our current lifestyle is insanely busy, so we're trying to figure out the logistics of how that would work and what the length of time should be. But, thanks to finding help in the chat room, we both feel comfortable slowly moving forward. We're just adding a few more tools to help us.

I am going to have to work doubly hard at submitting, but most of all at trusting. I need to trust that my HOH is going to keep me emotionally safe. He's not really given me reason to think otherwise, so this is a matter of me changing my perception. The analogy he gave me to describe how he felt about the whole thing was this. "What if you had a new training method for our dog and you used it and she jumped up and bit you? Would you have much trust in that training method? Would you be leary of trying it again?" Not that he's trying to compare me to the dog, but the idea is that I brought this to him as a tool for our marriage, singing the praises of how DD/TTWD would work for us. He saw the potential and jumped on board. And then I lashed out at him when he utilized it. So in his mind it backfired and could easily do so again. And I see where he's coming from in thinking that.

I hope that I'm not a hopeless cause when it comes to having a DD relationship. We have had quite a few successful punishments in the last month as well as deepening of our relationship in several areas and that helps me to see our potential. There were some specific things that came up in this interaction that we obviously have had to take a step back and look at and figure out how to address. I'm thankful for the DD Community. I have somewhere to go for help and that means the world to me.

The night ended on a positive note. We cuddled and watched a movie and reconnected sexually. He did tell me that I'm still due for the original infraction, but I think he's intentionally giving it some time and space before he makes good on that promise. I don't blame him for that at all and this time I will submit like a good girl and not act like a problem child. I truly hope that I've learned my lesson and can remind myself to give him trust in the moment even when I'm not feeling trusting.

Today is a new today. I'm trying to put this epic failure behind me, but at the same time I want to hold onto the lessons that I've learned from it and hopefully prevent this kind of incident from happening in the future.

The Convoluted Trail That Led Us To DD

Well, first and foremost, let me thank EL James, the writer of Fifty Shades of Grey. Had it not been for her book I may have stayed sexually closed off for the remainder of my married years and my adoring hubby would have continued to endure an unsatisfactory marriage. And oh my, how unsatisfactory a marriage it has been for both of us. This has been caused not just been my unwillingness to be comfortable with sexuality, an unfortunate side effect of poor religious teaching in terms of sex when I was young and impressionable, but also a complete repulsion towards the idea of traditional roles in marriage. I may address those factors more in a future blog post. But for now, I will give a short description of the convulted trail that led us to where we are.

So, back to Fifty Shades. I am not making any claim that the main characters, Christian and Ana, are in a genuine DD relationship. What I am saying is that I'm like many other married women who've read the book. There I was in my lackluster marriage trying to get by and muddle through. Our marriage was often characterized by hostility, indifference, and sexual stagnation. So this story was obviously a form of escape for me. My first reading of it was last year and I remember feeling it was very HOT and yet the dynamic of the relationship was not something I had ever wanted for myself. "No man is going to control me!" was my lifelong mantra ever since I was a young girl. After my first reading I continued on with life, but was on a constant search for escapist fiction of this sort. I had a hard time finding much else that I connected with. So back in June and July of this past year, I read them again. And then I started waking up. That's the most accurate way that I can describe what happened. It was as if there was this sexual being inside of me that had been lying dormant for so long. All of a sudden, sexuality made sense. I didn't want to feel dirty about sex any longer. So I did what many people do when interest has been piqued. I googled. I started with the concept of BDSM, which was obviously introduced in Fifty Shades. And lest I offend anyone in that lifestyle, after much research, I am well aware that Fifty Shades is not a true representation of BDSM.

So, as I said, my research began with BDSM. I started reading a few books and thought, this is HOT. I brought it up with hubby, who nearly jumped out of his skin in a good way. He's been a very willing participant on this journey I might add. We've been married for ten years and I think he's just been waiting and waiting and waiting for this awakening. It just goes to show his amazingly deep level of love and commitment to me. So we started getting a little adventurous in the bedroom, which was fun and freeing, but I knew I wasn't quite there yet. My reading and research continued. For some reason, the dynamics of the Dominant/Sub really appealed to me. I couldn't figure out why, as I swore from childhood that if I were ever married I would NEVER let a man run the show. Anyways, through my research into BDSM I stumbled onto some DD blogs. Let me tell you, and I really don't mean to insult anyone with my honesty here, I was initially very repulsed. Why oh why would a woman allow a man to do that to her? Now, I was not with the naysayers who thought it was abuse because I could definitely tell from the blogs and information that I found that this was a consensual relationship. But I didn't get it at all! So I ceased my exploration of DD and stumbled onto some kink and BDSM resources that covered erotic spanking. Now, at this point, I was still not interested in spanking as a punishment at all. But I was getting really turned on by the idea of spanking.This is where I really struggled. I couldn't understand why this idea of a spanking would turn me on. And let me tell you, I have very good reason to not like the idea of a spanking. Yet here I was at a crossroads. I could stay the same or I could bring this up to Tom. I felt mortified at the idea of telling him that I wanted him to do this. I hemmed and hawed and hinted and he started getting the idea. But it was nothing more than playful swats here and there. So at one point I had to sit down and spell it out to him and he was a bit hesitant. Why? Because he's a great guy and he's afraid of hurting me. He loves me immensely. I also think he was waiting a bit to make sure I was serious about this. And after a playful spanking or two, I wanted more. The new exploration in sex and the fun spankings were exciting and we'll definitely continue in that, but it wasn't what I was looking for. I enjoyed our experimentation with him dominating in the bedroom more than I ever imagined I would. But I wanted more.

That feeling of wanting more prompted me to continue to google and read. Then I found the TIH website and at that moment, I felt like I'd found IT. Now I'm not saying that TIH is going to solve all of our marital problems. BUT our marital problems generally do not stem from us not liking one another or issues of complete incompatibility. Many many many of our struggles have been born out of power struggles. So in other words, we spent countless hours, days, years in fact, fighting about all of those little things that we don't really care about anyways. Yes, it's sad, but so true! And as much as I had fought the idea of a man being in charge, after reading through D/S sites and the TIH site I was intrigued. Reading the personal accounts of those who utilized spanking in their relationships for disciplinary purposes had me intrigued and excited all of a sudden. How could this be? It seemed at odds with what I'd always wanted, but I'd already found so much enjoyment from the prior few month of exploration, more enjoyment than I thought possible for me in fact. I knew that we needed to continue on this path and see where it led. In other words, I was starting to realize that I was incredibly attracted to the idea of Tom being that dominant force in the relationship all the time.

So all of this led back to not only the TIH site, but TTWD and DD resources. That's right. I went back to those DD resources that initially turned me off. Why was I so repulsed initially? Because I was not ready for that. Now I realize that it's absolutely the right path for us. While there are TIH couples who do not use physical force, I don't think that would work for us. I am so extremely strong-willed, and since I plan to be honest in this blog I will also add disrespectful, that I think an approach that leaves out physical force would not work for us. So we are very gingerly sticking our toes in. I will also write more on that in a later blog. So far this has been more effective than any marriage counseling session we've had, book I've read, or prayers that I've prayed. On another note, I'm not saying my prayers were unanswered, but maybe we just had to come this ourselves.

Where was my Tom in all of this? He's been pretty agreeable to all of it. He's had his moments of hesitation and after reading through many blogs, it seems that's very normal for a man who is new to stepping into the role of HOH. Lord knows, he's been more than patient with me, so I can definitely be patient with him!

This blog, as is the point of many DD blogs, is going to be a chronicle of our journey into DD. I think that people who are exploring this need a lot of resources. And, if a few years from now, someone can learn from our early mistakes that would be fantastic. Also, I am aware after my exploration that there is a community of DD women and I'm sincerely hoping to find other TIH women that I gel with to come alongside me during this journey. I have seen from reading comments in other blogs that they are a wellspring of advice, comfort, and inspiration. I welcome feedback from not just from those who are TIH, but HOH as well. This is going to be a rough change for me and so I expect to need a lot of direction - and probably a lot of spanking too!

If you've made it through my "short" description of how we came to where we are, then thank you for reading and I look forward to getting to "know" you!