Well, first and foremost, let me thank EL James, the writer of Fifty Shades of Grey. Had it not been for her book I may have stayed sexually closed off for the remainder of my married years and my adoring hubby would have continued to endure an unsatisfactory marriage. And oh my, how unsatisfactory a marriage it has been for both of us. This has been caused not just been my unwillingness to be comfortable with sexuality, an unfortunate side effect of poor religious teaching in terms of sex when I was young and impressionable, but also a complete repulsion towards the idea of traditional roles in marriage. I may address those factors more in a future blog post. But for now, I will give a short description of the convulted trail that led us to where we are.
So, back to Fifty Shades. I am not making any claim that the main characters, Christian and Ana, are in a genuine DD relationship. What I am saying is that I'm like many other married women who've read the book. There I was in my lackluster marriage trying to get by and muddle through. Our marriage was often characterized by hostility, indifference, and sexual stagnation. So this story was obviously a form of escape for me. My first reading of it was last year and I remember feeling it was very HOT and yet the dynamic of the relationship was not something I had ever wanted for myself. "No man is going to control me!" was my lifelong mantra ever since I was a young girl. After my first reading I continued on with life, but was on a constant search for escapist fiction of this sort. I had a hard time finding much else that I connected with. So back in June and July of this past year, I read them again. And then I started waking up. That's the most accurate way that I can describe what happened. It was as if there was this sexual being inside of me that had been lying dormant for so long. All of a sudden, sexuality made sense. I didn't want to feel dirty about sex any longer. So I did what many people do when interest has been piqued. I googled. I started with the concept of BDSM, which was obviously introduced in Fifty Shades. And lest I offend anyone in that lifestyle, after much research, I am well aware that Fifty Shades is not a true representation of BDSM.
So, as I said, my research began with BDSM. I started reading a few books and thought, this is HOT. I brought it up with hubby, who nearly jumped out of his skin in a good way. He's been a very willing participant on this journey I might add. We've been married for ten years and I think he's just been waiting and waiting and waiting for this awakening. It just goes to show his amazingly deep level of love and commitment to me. So we started getting a little adventurous in the bedroom, which was fun and freeing, but I knew I wasn't quite there yet. My reading and research continued. For some reason, the dynamics of the Dominant/Sub really appealed to me. I couldn't figure out why, as I swore from childhood that if I were ever married I would NEVER let a man run the show. Anyways, through my research into BDSM I stumbled onto some DD blogs. Let me tell you, and I really don't mean to insult anyone with my honesty here, I was initially very repulsed. Why oh why would a woman allow a man to do that to her? Now, I was not with the naysayers who thought it was abuse because I could definitely tell from the blogs and information that I found that this was a consensual relationship. But I didn't get it at all! So I ceased my exploration of DD and stumbled onto some kink and BDSM resources that covered erotic spanking. Now, at this point, I was still not interested in spanking as a punishment at all. But I was getting really turned on by the idea of spanking.This is where I really struggled. I couldn't understand why this idea of a spanking would turn me on. And let me tell you, I have very good reason to not like the idea of a spanking. Yet here I was at a crossroads. I could stay the same or I could bring this up to Tom. I felt mortified at the idea of telling him that I wanted him to do this. I hemmed and hawed and hinted and he started getting the idea. But it was nothing more than playful swats here and there. So at one point I had to sit down and spell it out to him and he was a bit hesitant. Why? Because he's a great guy and he's afraid of hurting me. He loves me immensely. I also think he was waiting a bit to make sure I was serious about this. And after a playful spanking or two, I wanted more. The new exploration in sex and the fun spankings were exciting and we'll definitely continue in that, but it wasn't what I was looking for. I enjoyed our experimentation with him dominating in the bedroom more than I ever imagined I would. But I wanted more.
That feeling of wanting more prompted me to continue to google and read. Then I found the TIH website and at that moment, I felt like I'd found IT. Now I'm not saying that TIH is going to solve all of our marital problems. BUT our marital problems generally do not stem from us not liking one another or issues of complete incompatibility. Many many many of our struggles have been born out of power struggles. So in other words, we spent countless hours, days, years in fact, fighting about all of those little things that we don't really care about anyways. Yes, it's sad, but so true! And as much as I had fought the idea of a man being in charge, after reading through D/S sites and the TIH site I was intrigued. Reading the personal accounts of those who utilized spanking in their relationships for disciplinary purposes had me intrigued and excited all of a sudden. How could this be? It seemed at odds with what I'd always wanted, but I'd already found so much enjoyment from the prior few month of exploration, more enjoyment than I thought possible for me in fact. I knew that we needed to continue on this path and see where it led. In other words, I was starting to realize that I was incredibly attracted to the idea of Tom being that dominant force in the relationship all the time.
So all of this led back to not only the TIH site, but TTWD and DD resources. That's right. I went back to those DD resources that initially turned me off. Why was I so repulsed initially? Because I was not ready for that. Now I realize that it's absolutely the right path for us. While there are TIH couples who do not use physical force, I don't think that would work for us. I am so extremely strong-willed, and since I plan to be honest in this blog I will also add disrespectful, that I think an approach that leaves out physical force would not work for us. So we are very gingerly sticking our toes in. I will also write more on that in a later blog. So far this has been more effective than any marriage counseling session we've had, book I've read, or prayers that I've prayed. On another note, I'm not saying my prayers were unanswered, but maybe we just had to come this ourselves.
Where was my Tom in all of this? He's been pretty agreeable to all of it. He's had his moments of hesitation and after reading through many blogs, it seems that's very normal for a man who is new to stepping into the role of HOH. Lord knows, he's been more than patient with me, so I can definitely be patient with him!
This blog, as is the point of many DD blogs, is going to be a chronicle of our journey into DD. I think that people who are exploring this need a lot of resources. And, if a few years from now, someone can learn from our early mistakes that would be fantastic. Also, I am aware after my exploration that there is a community of DD women and I'm sincerely hoping to find other TIH women that I gel with to come alongside me during this journey. I have seen from reading comments in other blogs that they are a wellspring of advice, comfort, and inspiration. I welcome feedback from not just from those who are TIH, but HOH as well. This is going to be a rough change for me and so I expect to need a lot of direction - and probably a lot of spanking too!
If you've made it through my "short" description of how we came to where we are, then thank you for reading and I look forward to getting to "know" you!