One thing I've learned from reading numerous blogs in which people had a rough start to this lifestyle is that it is a very bad idea to get caught up in grand expectations of my husband immediately transforming into this awesomely consistent HOH. The piece of advice that seems to be repeated over and over and over is not to worry about HIS behavior, but to focus on MY behavior. If I want him to be successful in taking on the HOH role, then I need to show him how wonderful it is to have a submissive wife and not worry so much about his side of things. Sounds simple enough, right? WRONG! I am wondering if there is a single submissive bone in my body. After ten years of marriage, taking on this role of TIH is completely unnatural to me. One thing that is happening is that I am being afforded amazing insight and clarity into my behavior. Have I always been this venomous? Really? Is this who my husband has been married to for ten years, because if so I'm kind of wondering why he's still here. And insight and clarity is wonderful. It truly is. But it's only the beginning.
Awareness is the first step towards changing my behavior. But how? What if a viper was told that it was no longer able to spew venom? How would it protect itself? Truly my venomous words serve a protective function for me. I know this because I do not spew venom at other people, such as friends and family. Okay, maybe I spew venom towards a select few family members when they're not around to hear it! This is a deeply ingrained way of communicating with my husband. How do I just stop? Oh sure, it would help if he would call me on it and discipline every time, but I can't expect that of him when we're first starting out. He's still getting his feet on the ground as HOH and my verbally acting out is not encouraging him to take on his role, but undermining it. I wonder if my behavior makes him doubt that I'm actually serious about this new dynamic in our marriage. I do think part of me is trying to test him, which I know is foolhardy at this point and will make things worse.
Maybe there needs to be a 12 step program for this. Spouses who are addicted to saying hurtful things and running the show can attend support groups, counseling, and go through 12 steps and be done with this addiction to control. I won't hold my breath for that one. It seems what I need is some way to stop myself in the moment. You know, that moment where you are absolutely sure of your rightness and mad as hell at whatever he is doing and you cease to care what comes out of your mouth? Yes, that is the moment where intervention needs to occur. And the thing is, the hurtful words aren't effective. They don't help the situation. It's not like the situations in which I used hurtful words eight years ago have changed his behavior and ceased to exist to the point that I no longer spew hurtful words for those same behaviors and situations. In other words, it doesn't effect positive change. All I've seen these words do is build up walls, cause a break in intimacy and friendship, and increase feelings of hostility and lack of trust. If somehow I could remember that in the moment, it would be so helpful. I guess it's just going to be a matter of attempting to make that intentional choice to stop each and every time I have an opportunity to change my words. I guess I have to believe that at some point it will become more natural and seem easier. It really really needs to because right now I feel like a viper who has been told to cease being a viper.
Oh sweetie you're so not alone in this. It's so not easy. It's hard to keep patient all the while realizing what venom you've spit out over the years. I too wondered the first few weeks how I managed to keep mine around all these years as I was finding I had to catch myself over and over not spewing my own venom. I often wonder if "How to Stop" is the biggest question for us newbies. And I'm convinced it can't be answered by anyone other than ourselves with time, patience and commitment to continuing to build in TTWD. Yes it sure would be nice to just be corrected and disciplined every time but I then wonder if that's the easy way out in the beginning. I think we still need that time to fight the war within us as our HOH is fighting their own and eventually you come together with that personal insight to be able to then move forward. I wouldn't hold my breath on a 12 step program either :) It's hard to bite your tongue, give in on the situation for a moment to process things, not roll your eyes in the process of all this LOL but what do they say....it takes 21 times to make a habit? It might take 2100 times (and 2100 swats) for us spitfires on this particular addiction to form a new habit but it will come. Or at least that's what we are going for anyway right. Good luck on draining that venom in a positive way. <3
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words. Yes, it just might take 2100 times or swats...lol. I think you're right that not only is there change in the relationship but we are both having to work on changes within ourselves. It's like there's a civil war going on in my head during much of my interaction with my HOH right now!
DeleteThus is a really great post...so very insightful of your own behavior and the outcome it creates. To me, realizing this is way more than half the battle.
ReplyDeleteI stopped feeling the need to spew when I understood that we are two different people, he didn't have to do things my way to get it done, and we are going to have differing opinions. I can't make him see my side all the time and that's ok. It's more important to keep the lines of communication open by appreciating each others different points if view.
Yes...it is literally going to be a test of your will to stop yourself each and every time you want to spew. Take a time out if necessary to gather your thoughts and calm down. Again, the fact that you recognize the issue is to be commended.
You know, I think that's where I struggle also. I often expect him to think and act the way that I do and get extremely frustrated when he doesn't, which is completely ridiculous. I need to let go and be okay with our differences!
DeleteWell here it is for what it is worth. First of all you said you've been like 'this' for a while, don't expect to change overnight. Recognizing this in yourself is indeed half of the battle. Okay, maybe the easy half.
ReplyDeleteSome times when I get that feeling, I try to think, " Barney would NEVER say those things to you Willie, do him the same courtesy and find a better way to say it" What I think has helped me 'figure' this out, was trying to dissect the initial emotion, of usually hurt, that makes me lash out and see what the trigger is or was. Sure it takes some time...A LONG time, but after the dust has settled, after you have cleaned the venom off of your husband and surrounding walls, take the opportunity to talk with each other. I found saying things like, " when you said this....or did this....it makes me feel.... I am not saying that was/is your intent but that is how I feel when it happens". It took a long time for us to get to a point where neither felt attacked during communication, but it did happen( well for the most part).
You are right, he can't possibly act on every thing that comes his way that is disrespectful. He might become frustrated and think what is the point, and you might feel that way too. I will tell you one of the most difficult things for me to do, was to apologize of my own volition. Even if there was no physical consequence the apology still has to happen. It goes a long way to heal both wounds caused in a rant. Sometimes though, I feel like I have cotton in my throat. Sometimes I am still hurt, and while my feelings maybe justified, the way I express them often is not. That is what I apologize for.
Anyway, you will find your own way to deal with this. TTWD is so much a personal adventure ( I hate the word journey) as it is one for a couple.
Keep writing! It helps
willie
I can see where you're absolutely correct in that apologies help big time, even when I feel hurt and my actions felt justified in the moment. I think the apology humbles me and reminds me that I'm the submissive one in the relationship.
DeleteI am not submissive in any way, shape, or form. I simply try not to be overbearing and/or demanding. I try to be at least as respectful to him as he is to me, but I usually fail at that. We have few rules and at this point they're almost non-rules since they so rarely are broken. I do not (okay, I try not to) do things that will cause him to be angry, upset, disappointed.
ReplyDeleteBut it's taken years and years (39 to be exact). No matter what kind of relationship you're in, it takes years to learn to know each other, and how to get along in whatever dynamic you have in your relationship. Be patient, it will come.
Holla
Thank you for the encouragement. I know that I'm not very patient. As impatient as I can get with him, I think I might be more impatient with myself. I get so frustrated with my inability to be as respectful as I should be.
DeleteI do think it is a learning process. We have to see our wrongs before we can correct them. Let's hope that, at some point, we will learn.
ReplyDeleteAgreed! I think I might be a slow learner in this area!
DeleteI think that DD is very much a mutual learning process that requires change and rethink from both sides. A new TIH needs to try and 'enable' her HoH by, including him, allowing him to lead and sometimes curbing the instinctive and perfectly natural in-kind responses to the thoughtless things that any human being is capable of saying. The new HoH needs to make it known that he sees that she's making the effort and to feel appreciated when he modifies *his* behaviour to be more considerate to *her*.
ReplyDeleteEventually, that *can* lead to the situation where he feels more comfortable about asserting his views in the best interests of the relationship. However, Rome wasn't built in a day and these things are a gradual process that often involves a complete about turn on old habits. Lots of mistakes and lapses will need to be accepted and forgiven on the way.
Rosalind
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I agree - I think we are both going to be growing and learning and much of that will be through our mistakes as well as successes along the way!
DeleteTomsrose,
ReplyDeleteI understand exactly what you are saying. I was very much the same way. I have been so much better about lashing out, well until last night. One thing Lee said to me was, "have I ever spoke to you like that? well, no he hasn't. Have I ever raised my voice or embarrassed you? well no he hasn't. I felt so bad, not just because of the punishment but because of how I must have made him feel. It is a slow process to change your behavior and even though I thought I totally had, it came out in spades yesterday. I will try my very best to not ever do that again. I might not succeed completely but I am trying very hard. Good Luck it does improve as long as you keep making an effort.
honey
It seems like once I start lashing out it takes over and then I'm just not thinking about his feelings at all. I'm glad to hear that it does improve, but I imagine that old habits will always rear their ugly head now and then - perhaps especially during times of great stress!
DeleteIn my experience it's been a mutual learning process. Sometimes when I'm struggling to be submissive, he's needed to step up and be the dominant and put me back 'in line'. And sometimes when he's struggled I've needed to step up and be the submissive. Sometimes we both struggle and nobody steps up.
ReplyDeleteLike you, we've been married a long time before starting TTWD so it's been a slow process to change from our 'old ways'. Lots of mistakes on both sides. Lots of growing pains.
I think it's awesome that you are aware of it. It's a HUGE HUGE step that you should give yourself credit for.
hugs,
aurora
Hi Aurora! Glad to see you here! Thank you for the encouragement. I do hope that we help one another and reinforce roles in the way you've just described. I know that the better I become at being his sub, the more he will be free to take on his Dom role.
DeleteHi Tomrose!
ReplyDeleteAgain, I could have written this post. WOW....it is so hard to hold your tongue when your mad. I think like you do....it would be so much easier to be submissive if he would be more Dominant. But just as we are learning to be submissive he is learning as well. It isn't easy for either party, especially if you are completely reversing the roles. And it's so easy to fall back in to old habits.
I wish you luck and keep trying not to spit venom....when you have it figured out please let me know!!!!
Subrina <3
Ha! Yes. I will let you know, but don't hold your breath...lol! This is going to be a hard process. Already though I can see how much I'm biting my tongue compared to how I used to speak to my husband. But there's a ton of room for improvement here. And even once I feel like I'm doing well at this, I imagine this is one of those issues that will just pop up now and again. I think eventually he will be that HOH that will not put up with it and then I'll really be in trouble!
DeleteI totally agree!! I need to go to the store and find one of those brain-to-mouth filters....but i havent had much luck finding one!! That is THE hardest thing for me...and iy really makes me mad that a) i speak to him like that and b) that he allows it!! That old saying could never be more true...watch what you wish for.....
DeleteSubrina <3
I totally agree!! I need to go to the store and find one of those brain-to-mouth filters....but i havent had much luck finding one!! That is THE hardest thing for me...and iy really makes me mad that a) i speak to him like that and b) that he allows it!! That old saying could never be more true...watch what you wish for.....
DeleteSubrina <3
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