It has been painful for me. I've had so many feelings bouncing around. I know I've read several posts in blogland about the highs of DD being really high and the lows being really low. I've always been an emotional person, so I'm used to feeling ups and downs. But this down has been different. And it's been different because of the level of connection that my husband and I are experiencing. Honestly, if an interaction such as this one had happened three months ago, I would have fumed for days, dwelling on my own rightness. I would've eventually felt regret for my actions, but not on any sort of deep level. The regret would've been more the kind that one feels when caught doing something wrong. So I would've been more sorry about being caught in my actions and dealing with the aftermath with my husband. I don't know that I would've been genuinely sorry for having hurt him or felt at all the disconnect that occured as a result. There were so many walls then that we could fling harsh words back and forth and I could throw things at him and I never felt great sadness.
But here we are and I've felt cut to the core. Rather than dwelling on everything that I think he's done wrong and justifying my actions, I've dwelt on myself and what I need to change. I've felt deep sorrow for having hurt him and have felt the rift in the relationship. He forgave me that night and we did reconnect on a sexual level. But the next day things did not feel right. There was a huge disconnect. I could acutely feel his disappointment over the situation and his distance. I did everything I knew to do to try to restore the relationship. I tried my old way of nagging and pleading with him, which just caused him to retreat further. We did end up having a mini argument the following morning. I spent the day upset that I couldn't seem to get him to reconnect with me. Touching was off the table. I honestly wished that he would just spank my ass for the original infraction and for my huge fit and get it over with.But he said he wasn't ready to go there. By the time day two after the incident rolled around I felt absolutely desperate for connection with him. I don't know when I've felt such a strong neediness within myself.
So Day two after our blowout I tried to stop asking about the spanking and when we could take care of this. I got the same reply - that he's not ready to go there with me yet. So I took another approach. I decided to focus on my submission. I looked for any situation in which I could submit. When he spoke his preference or opinion, rather than piping in with my own I tried a "Yes, Sir." I poured his drink while he studied and tried to make sure he was comfortable. I made a meat based meal for dinner instead of going with my vegetarian leanings as I usually do. He really seemed to appreciate that one. I tried to be respectful. When he got irritated that I messed with the thermostat yet again (we tend to have thermostat wars) I apologized and changed it to what he thought it should be set at. When I wanted to change the setting in preparation for the drop in temperature that night, I asked his permission to change it. That's not something I've ever done, but it seems to be a big deal to him.
He was still studying when I went to bed and I reminded him that he could wake me up to have sex if he needed that and since he's HOH I couldn't really say no. That's one of our specific rules that I suggested when we first began TTWD. I am not allowed to turn him down for sex. Anyways, I didn't really expect anything to come of that. I knew that he knew that I missed him, but I also knew that he was tired from studying all day. So imagine my shock when I hear a voice telling me to get up and come downstairs. He took care of my pleasure first, if you know what I mean, before taking care of his own needs and then told me that he wanted to make sure that I knew I was loved. Despite the early hour in which he came to bed, it made me over the moon happy. I needed that reconnection with him.
I'm still waiting on my punishment. I honestly hope he's ready to go there soon because I don't think I will truly be able to move on until he has. I also sincerely hope he's hard and heavy with it too. He has yet to give me a punishment that's difficult to take. I can't explain it, but I feel that's what I need in order to move on. I don't know if I should just tell him that so that he can better understand my need? Or maybe this is a situation where I should just relinquish control and accept whatever he ends up deciding to do even if he takes it easy on me? I'm trying to tread carefully because I dealt a big blow to his HOH confidence when we had our blowout last Friday. I know that. So I'm trying to be extra careful not to do or say anything else that would shake his confidence. I'd love to hear people's thoughts on this one!
Overall, this has taught me not just how not to act during a punishment, but that this is the right thing for us. The deep level of connection we've had and the fact that I was able to really and truly feel it's absence is a good sign in terms of our relationship. It's the level of closeness that I want to have in my marriage. I don't want to be so numb to how he feels that big blowouts like this don't bother me and that's where we were for years. I can't go back to that, especially not now that I know what it's like to achieve a deeper connection in my marriage.
So for now I'll just continue to hang in here, try to find as many ways to submit as I possibly can so that I can help to rebuild his HOH confidence, and hopefully I'll be submitting to this punishment soon.
So, once again..same situation has happened to me lots of times ecspecially in the beginning. One time I even ran from him...like pushed off his lap and ran out of the room because I felt like he couldn't hear me or something and I got terrified. Sometimes, later, he would spank me but it wasn't really a "punishment" it was more of a connection "get your attention" and it was always after we fully talked about what happened. He could sense the difference in me...I was being defiant purposefully...my brain was off. he may not want to punish you because it was a learning experience for him...he learned that x does not always = Y in a Dd relationship..sometimes hormones and emotions and life get in the way. You feel guilty and feel like what you did is something that a Dd wife shouldn't do...but that's not true either. Each relationship looks different...there aren't any RULES except for that you bring yourself back to a place of submission to him...which is what you have done...even without a spanking. Hopefully he will reconnect soon with you...and I hope it's more one of those "talking/harder reconnection" type that the punishment type. Why punish you the first time for something you both haven't experienced? You already have been in enough pain about it to understand that this isn't a place you want to go again you know?
ReplyDeleteI think you're right. What I'm craving isn't so much punishment, but more of a reconnection. And yes, I do think hormones and emotions can screw the DD equation a lot. Hopefully this will be easier to deal with and/or understand once we have more time as a DD couple. I think because it happened within the first few weeks of DD it's been hard for my HOH especially.
DeleteI agree with Ashley. Sometimes it's just not "punishable" once there has been communication on the issue and the air has been cleared. In the beginning we have so many times when It's a learning experience. But I also understand your position of holding onto your guilt. Of still feeling like you need the release. At this point I would explain to him that you are still struggling, still holding onto it. That you need that release. For me It's more of a stress release/reconnection/role affirmation by this point. And for us just starting out he already recognizes that I need this to get back to that submissive mind set. I totally get it honey :) Try not to dwell on it too much in the meantime. <3 MUAH
ReplyDeleteYes, I think it's a reconnection/role affirmation sort of release that I'm craving. I don't know if he's at the point yet where he understands that part of DD, so I may have to let it go for now. I may try to bring it up to him later this week when he will have more time.
DeleteI feel for you, and Tom as well. As much as you're having all of these feelings of disconnect, he probably is too. He took a big blow to his HOH ego and he a) probably is gun shy and b) he might not be to sure HOW to handle it. The last time he tried to discipline it didnt go so well. I think its great that you are working on your submission, I know how difficult it can be but I think the payoff will be so rewarding. It sounds like you both want this lifestyle its just a matter of figuring it out. Good luck to you. Be patient....you'll figure it out!!
ReplyDeleteSubrina <3
You hit the nail on the head. He's gunshy now - I'm sure of it. So that's why I'm trying so hard to work on my submission - anything I can do to feed his Dom side right now.
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ReplyDeleteA couple of weeks ago, I literally said to Barney, " I think we need a redo". He agreed. It wasn't a punishment but it was a spanking that set us both right. Punishment, especially for the 'newer'. less experienced HoH has so much hanging over it. A reset or redo or role affirmation or reconnection spanking doesn't have the pressure that goes along with it. You may be able to relieve your guilt, and he may gain his confidence back.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with Ashley. There are so many emotions whirling around within you. I once likened it to open a dryer mid spin. You are never sure WHAT is going to fly out. Take heart though, times like the one you find yourself in now, often turn from the biggest stumbling block to the biggeset building block in your ttwd relationship. Keep talking!
hugs
willie
a redo...exactly! Not a punishment for not taking the spanking before but a redo for the original issue maybe.
DeleteI agree. I never received the punishment for the original issue. So if he decided to do that, I feel like that would be fair. That being said, I don't know if he'll want to punish for the original issue as we're so far removed from that now. I'm hoping that there is at least some sort of reconnection/role affirmation sort of spanking..
DeleteAlthough I didn't read all the comments, I really like what Ashely and Willie said. They can offer such great advise!!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to suggest you read back over this post. Read how much you have learned. Read how far you've come over this "epic" failure. It really is turning into a HUGE learning experience. Yes, you had the surgery with out the anesthesia, but you've already come so far and learned so much from this.
Keep talking and keep doing the little things that you're doing. Keep trying!
Hugs!!!
Thank you Sarah. I'm feeling kind of thankful for the experience now. I don't know if that sounds odd. I mean, I still wish I hadn't reacted the way that I did. But I can't change that and I feel like I've learned so much and hubby and I were able to talk through a lot too.
DeleteOh that confidence thing is tough. Sometimes I struggle with being completely honest at times (even though that's one of his rules) because I don't want to mess up his confidence.
ReplyDeleteWe do 'maintenance spankings'. Usually once a week, usually even more. It gives us a chance to reaffirm our roles (without being in the heat of a disagreement or issues,etc). It's been a nice time for us to connect and great for helping the confidence and trust.
And oh, I know how hard it is to let go and let him make the punishment decisions. In the beginning I got so frustrated because he seemed so 'easy' on me. But the further we get down this road, the less 'easy' he gets. Sometimes I feel like it's a 'be careful what you wish for' thing. Lol.
Anyways hang in there! It sounds like you are learning and growing so much.
Aurora - I think I'm where you were at in the beginning. He is so easy on me and I feel a bit frustrated with that, but I also don't want to tell him to go harder. One, I don't want to top from the bottom. Two, I might regret telling him that...lol! So I'm trying to just be patient and let him blaze his own trail in this - much much easier said than done! I like the idea of maintenance spankings. I feel like that might help, but that's not something we've really discussed.
DeleteBelieve me, I understand! Once you embark on this lifestyle which I feel more marriages should have, you realize how you need it to connect! It really is an amazing thing! I hope things are working out for both you now!
ReplyDelete~Jane
We're still hanging in here. There's been a calm in the house thus far this week. I think it's because I'm very insanely aware of my desire to be submissive right now, so that's helping.
DeleteSometimes around here when things go awry, corrective spankings don't happen and after time has passed, it actually doesn't really work anymore. I have learned how to leave it to him to make that decision. What is most important for us is that we have talked through what happened and resolved things for the future. It sounds like you have done that and I love how you chose to show him respect in a bunch of different ways. They notice that stuff. I'm hoping for your sake that he will come through with what you need.
ReplyDeleteThanks Susie! I do think finding little ways to show him respect is working. Our house has at least felt very peaceful the past few days. I really want to see his HOH confidence back up - I think it's getting there, but it's going to take awhile for him as far as spankings go I think.
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