It has been painful for me. I've had so many feelings bouncing around. I know I've read several posts in blogland about the highs of DD being really high and the lows being really low. I've always been an emotional person, so I'm used to feeling ups and downs. But this down has been different. And it's been different because of the level of connection that my husband and I are experiencing. Honestly, if an interaction such as this one had happened three months ago, I would have fumed for days, dwelling on my own rightness. I would've eventually felt regret for my actions, but not on any sort of deep level. The regret would've been more the kind that one feels when caught doing something wrong. So I would've been more sorry about being caught in my actions and dealing with the aftermath with my husband. I don't know that I would've been genuinely sorry for having hurt him or felt at all the disconnect that occured as a result. There were so many walls then that we could fling harsh words back and forth and I could throw things at him and I never felt great sadness.
But here we are and I've felt cut to the core. Rather than dwelling on everything that I think he's done wrong and justifying my actions, I've dwelt on myself and what I need to change. I've felt deep sorrow for having hurt him and have felt the rift in the relationship. He forgave me that night and we did reconnect on a sexual level. But the next day things did not feel right. There was a huge disconnect. I could acutely feel his disappointment over the situation and his distance. I did everything I knew to do to try to restore the relationship. I tried my old way of nagging and pleading with him, which just caused him to retreat further. We did end up having a mini argument the following morning. I spent the day upset that I couldn't seem to get him to reconnect with me. Touching was off the table. I honestly wished that he would just spank my ass for the original infraction and for my huge fit and get it over with.But he said he wasn't ready to go there. By the time day two after the incident rolled around I felt absolutely desperate for connection with him. I don't know when I've felt such a strong neediness within myself.
So Day two after our blowout I tried to stop asking about the spanking and when we could take care of this. I got the same reply - that he's not ready to go there with me yet. So I took another approach. I decided to focus on my submission. I looked for any situation in which I could submit. When he spoke his preference or opinion, rather than piping in with my own I tried a "Yes, Sir." I poured his drink while he studied and tried to make sure he was comfortable. I made a meat based meal for dinner instead of going with my vegetarian leanings as I usually do. He really seemed to appreciate that one. I tried to be respectful. When he got irritated that I messed with the thermostat yet again (we tend to have thermostat wars) I apologized and changed it to what he thought it should be set at. When I wanted to change the setting in preparation for the drop in temperature that night, I asked his permission to change it. That's not something I've ever done, but it seems to be a big deal to him.
He was still studying when I went to bed and I reminded him that he could wake me up to have sex if he needed that and since he's HOH I couldn't really say no. That's one of our specific rules that I suggested when we first began TTWD. I am not allowed to turn him down for sex. Anyways, I didn't really expect anything to come of that. I knew that he knew that I missed him, but I also knew that he was tired from studying all day. So imagine my shock when I hear a voice telling me to get up and come downstairs. He took care of my pleasure first, if you know what I mean, before taking care of his own needs and then told me that he wanted to make sure that I knew I was loved. Despite the early hour in which he came to bed, it made me over the moon happy. I needed that reconnection with him.
I'm still waiting on my punishment. I honestly hope he's ready to go there soon because I don't think I will truly be able to move on until he has. I also sincerely hope he's hard and heavy with it too. He has yet to give me a punishment that's difficult to take. I can't explain it, but I feel that's what I need in order to move on. I don't know if I should just tell him that so that he can better understand my need? Or maybe this is a situation where I should just relinquish control and accept whatever he ends up deciding to do even if he takes it easy on me? I'm trying to tread carefully because I dealt a big blow to his HOH confidence when we had our blowout last Friday. I know that. So I'm trying to be extra careful not to do or say anything else that would shake his confidence. I'd love to hear people's thoughts on this one!
Overall, this has taught me not just how not to act during a punishment, but that this is the right thing for us. The deep level of connection we've had and the fact that I was able to really and truly feel it's absence is a good sign in terms of our relationship. It's the level of closeness that I want to have in my marriage. I don't want to be so numb to how he feels that big blowouts like this don't bother me and that's where we were for years. I can't go back to that, especially not now that I know what it's like to achieve a deeper connection in my marriage.
So for now I'll just continue to hang in here, try to find as many ways to submit as I possibly can so that I can help to rebuild his HOH confidence, and hopefully I'll be submitting to this punishment soon.