Monday, October 28, 2013

The Times I Didn't Listen And Wished That I Had

It's true that in the many years we've been together, there are times that Tom and I butt heads completely on a decision. We did not have this DD arrangement. There was no dynamic of him being in charge. We were in an "egalitarian" relationship. I use quotation marks because what we had was not what couples who have a successful egalitarian relationship have. What we had was a constant power struggle - over ten years of it in fact. There's nothing more mentally and physically draining than going through life where every day is a constant power struggle. But that's where we were.

Anyways, the point of this post is to talk about some of the times that I wish I would've let him taken the lead on the decision. I know there's more events than I will discuss, but my memory isn't overly wonderful. So here's a few that stick out in my mind a bit.

1. The time I was friends with a taker. You know those people. They're not really your friends - just so long as they benefit from the relationship and can get what they want. They don't really care for your feelings, but expect you to listen to their laundry list of woes whenever and wherever. In this particular instance, the friendship developed rapidly during a time in my life when I was dealing with things and so this was fun and irresponsible friend that fit the bill as far as my letting go and finding a release for some stressful circumstances. She was a nut from the go, continually ran her husband and guys in general through the mud, a pathological liar, unstable and mentally ill but not taking medication for it. You know, the whole nine yards of nutty. But I gave and gave and gave because there were glimpses here and there of her caring for me and because she was my "fun" friend and I didn't want to let that go. Well, when she decided to end her marriage and started dating while her husband still lived in the house, divorced him, and then gave him the runaround and threw obstacles in his way when he tried to see his kids, I just couldn't take it anymore. The situation had been souring for months and I was trying to walk that fine line of being a listening ear while not agreeing with her behavior, even trying to stick up for her husband when the opportunity arose. I thought maybe if I hung in there she'd come around and see that her behavior was nuts and decide to straighten her life out, get on meds, and resume her relationship with her husband. Boy was I delusional! But she was one of those people that hears and sees what she wants and I realized that any listening on my end was only validating her horrible behavior. My husband sang this tune for months before I finally decided to listen to him. The thing is that I knew deep down that he was right all along, but somehow it just felt wrong for him to tell me who to be friends with and I told him as much. I felt like that was crossing the line. Perhaps I should've also remembered at that point that he has never prior to that or since told me to end a friendship, even when he didn't really care for the person. This was different. He saw her draining me and using me and I just let it happen. I felt a huge weight lift off of me after ending the friendship. Now all I really regret is the countless hours poured into that friendship that could have gone towards friendships much more deserving.

2. There was the last vehicle purchase decision that I made. The vehicle had issues, but I felt it'd be okay because we were still getting a deal and once we fixed said issues it'd be fine. We're two years out and still haven't fixed the issue because we haven't had the chunk of money that we need at one time to fix the issue, which was Tom's concern and why he didn't want to get the vehicle. So we have a vehicle that can't go out of town and now our second vehicle, our good one, is down because it needs a new computer right now. So we are literally trapped within the borders of our town. Perfect!

Granted, I'm sure there are other issues where I didn't listen to him and things turned out dandy. But I guess maybe I needed to write this post because there are the times where he really does know what he's talking about and if I'd just listen to him, I'll thank him for it later.

We actually have an issue right now that we're going back and forth on. Granted, this isn't the sort of thing where I can just blindly submit as this will uproot our current lifestyle and change my current job. He's at a point where he's all for the new opportunity, but I will have to personally give up a lot in order to take it and money wise it doesn't seem worth it to me. Anyways, who knows what will happen or if the opportunity will even pan out. But I am trying to remind myself that maybe he can see something I can't and this could be a situation which in hindsight I would be happy that I listened.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Growing Pains

Tom: Let's go upstairs.

Me: Drags feet and stomps up the stairs (how did I turn into a three year old all of a sudden?)

Tom: I have to discipline you. You should've seen the look on his face.

Me: Hanging head in shame. He looks really mad. Are you in control? 

Tom: Yes. I'm mad, but I'm in control.

Me: Assumes the position.

Whack   Whack

Me: Squirm squirm Do you always have to use that thing? It's so thin that it's probably like using a cane! (speaking of his treasured lightsaber).

Tom: Yes. I like it. It's effective.


Me: Owieeee!

Tom: I'm going to five. You've got two more.

Me: Okay.


Squirm Squirm


Tom: All done.

This one was well earned friends. Hubby and I were arguing and I took it out on my oldest son. I yelled at him for something minor - ripped his little heart to shreds really. That's not the kind of mom that I want to be, not the kind of mom I feel that I am. Not by a long shot. I definitely deserved to be disciplined and probably even more so than I was.

Tom still takes it pretty easy on me when it comes to discipline, but I've noticed something. When we first began TTWD, the minute I would cry out or protest he would stop and figured I'd had enough. Now he's pushing past that point. He's not pushing past by much, but I see him evolving and growing into his HOH role.

Also, if you have read Epic Fail - Don't Try This At Home, then you are aware that we've also made progress in our ability to manage the discipline in a way that feels emotionally safe to me. Oh, we discussed safe words and 15 second rules and such after that incident, but in this moment that all left my head and all I could squeak out was, "Are you in control?" He knew what I meant and he gave me the reassurance that I needed to feel safe. As safe as one can feel when they're about to be whacked with a lightsaber anyways!

She knows she's going to get a spanking and feels a bit apprehensive. I can relate!

Well done to my HOH. I'm feeling grateful as he is learning and gaining confidence. I know that our roles feed into each other. As I improve with mine, he improves with his and vice versa. I don't believe we will ever be that couple that seemingly changes overnight. I think we will quietly creep along until one day we look back and realize how much things have changed.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Come Here

Adjusting to being led continues to be a struggle for me. The other day we had a situation in which Tom decided to critique the way I was managing our money. Let me first explain that we've actually decided that we'd eventually like for him to take over this aspect of our lives as in our case we think it would help with the dynamic we're trying to build. However, he is not wanting to take this on until he is done being a student and has more time to manage this. Anyways, things have been incredibly tight. In fact we've had more years in our marriage when money has been horribly lacking than we have where things have been semi-comfortable. That being said, we knew things would go from manageable to pretty terrible while he was in school and they have. I have continued to manage the money. It's a huge stress and headache for me, but I do it because I'm usually good at staying on top of it. Things don't always get paid on time, but it's not usually due to poor management. It's usually due to simply not having it. So here we are and I've dealt with this headache constantly all the while working an insane number of hours each week and he decides to criticize how I'm taking care of things. I immediately had one of my crazy moments.

Me: I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something to the tune of, I've managed all of this our entire married lives. Yes, sometimes things don't get paid on time. Sometimes I have to call and cancel automated payments at the last minute. But I have my reason for doing things the way I do based on the experiences I've had doing this over the years. I don't need you micromanaging what I'm doing. In the time I've been doing this, we've never had anything shut off. Our mortgage has always been paid, not always when we want it paid, but it's been paid. I've paid all of the bills and there has always been enough food to keep the kiddos fed. What more do you want?

Him: Come here.

Me: This is where I just went on and on. No idea what I said - I think just reiterating the same points, working myself up, and starting to get emotional. Oh, I do remember that I chose this moment to remind him of the one very short window in our lives when we were first married that he tried to take over the bills and it did not work out.

Him: Come here.

Me: Some more carrying on.

Him: Come here. You need to learn to listen and come when I tell you to.

Me: Carrying on in a higher pitched voice and inching forward a few feet.

Him: Come here. You're not listening. Get over here.

Me: Carrying on and dragging my body forward unwillingly until I'm standing a foot away from him.

Him: Reaches out and hugs me. You need to learn to trust me. When I tell you to come here you need to come. You do manage everything and you do a great job.

Me: Feeling humbled and incredibly daft for not listening sooner.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Sipping Coffee and Checking In

"It's been a relaxing morning sipping coffee and discussing life and the future with my hubby. In the time that we've been married, so many things in our lives have changed. Some facets of our life have worked out better than we imagined - we could not ask for more amazing children. Other things have not turned out the way we had hoped. Life is like that. We all know it has to rain sometime and sometimes it seems as though the rain is actually hail and it's never going to end. But despite everything we've dealt with in our ten years of marriage and everything we have yet to muddle through, I am at least happy to have my best friend by my side for better or for worse. I could not ask for more in this adventure called life."

This is a recent update of mine on a certain media outlet. I have nothing profound to say today as my time is limited and my brain is not fully awake yet. And thankfully there is no story of any epic disagreement or disciplinary action to share. I share this because this quote would not have happened had it not been for our current DD path. Of that I'm very certain. Despite our hiccups, this is the right life for us and it's bringing us closer and increasing our connection to one another.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

When Submission Hurts

I knew the day would come that submission wouldn't be easy, when something I felt extremely passionate about would be inadvertently trampled by my HOH's passion in an opposite direction. And since I've agreed in advance to submit to his decisions, I would have to follow through and do just that. That day finally came - last Friday and Saturday to be exact. I've wanted to write about the situation, examine it, and get my feelings out ever since. But every time I tried, the words that came to my head continued to plead my case and list all of the reasons that I believe my HOH was wrong. I promised myself when I began my blog that I would not use this as a place to bash Tom. So I've realized that because this topic is so sensitive to me, I just can't go into the specifics. I can only say that we had a huge difference of opinion on something that affected me personally, as well as a friend of mine.

What upset me the most about the situation is that I didn't feel listened to. Because of our schedules that day, most of my pleading of my case was done via online messages. At one point he said (typed), "Well, you're just going to do what you want to do anyways. You always do. So why are we still talking about this?" That hurt because I really was trying to submit, but I never agreed not to express my opinion and I at least want to feel heard. I honestly felt that he wasn't attending to each point I was making.

It felt a little like this.

So for me to submit, I feel like it's important to know that my points are being heard and considered. Despite feeling as though I was not heard, I felt that if I really want to continue down this DD/Ds path, that I had to submit even though I thought my HOH was making a mistake. This is NOT easy. I gave way and let him have his way and missed out on something that was very important to me. Later in a discussion with him, when my suspicion was confirmed that he had not heard the major point that would've changed his decision, I struggled with bitterness. I also felt a lack of empathy coming from him and felt left alone to grieve. None of this is really okay. But he's not perfect and he's going to make mistakes in this just as I do. So if I expect him to get over my mistakes (hello, whacking him with an implement), then I have to forgive him when I'm let down by his leadership and decisions. 

It took me awhile to get into the right head space to write this post. We've since made peace with one another, although I have let him know that when this opportunity arises next year, I fully plan to take advantage of it and hope that he is supportive. I'm hoping that since I chose to submit in this case, he will bear that in mind. I hope that I've written this post in a way that's conveyed my emotional struggle, but also been respectful towards my husband. It can be a struggle to walk that line at times.

************Well, I've decided to edit because I'm feeling that it's impossible to have a discussion about this without more information being given. I will continue to try to walk that line of being respectful and conveying the situation honestly. I became a runner a year and a half ago. I'm at the highest weight I've ever been. I'm down 30 pounds from that, but I have roughly 70 more to go. I hate hate hate being this overweight. In the past year I've run a 5k, two 7 mile races, and a half marathon. I was supposed to run an obstacle race this last weekend. We have two vehicles - only one of which is reliable enough to go out of town. That vehicle broke down. So unlucky me had no way to my race that I'd signed up for months ago. I only had one other person on my team and she lives at the race location - an hour away. I resolved not to mope around and to have a good weekend in spite of it. I learned that my brother and SIL needed childcare in order to go out of town for the weekend. So I volunteered thinking it would get my mind off of it. In the meantime, after I'd volunteered, someone offered to let me use their vehicle to go to my race. It was out of the blue and unexpected and a generous offer. It was from people that we've known for awhile, but are not very personal with if that makes any sense. So I wasn't sure how I'd feel about borrowing their vehicle and  I'd already made a promise to watch my brother's kiddos. I would never back out on someone like that. Then, my brother and SIL informed me that they changed their mind and decided not to go out of town. They no longer needed childcare and wanted to know if I still wanted the kiddos to stay that weekend or if I wanted to take their vehicle to my race the following day and watch their kiddos a different weekend. All of the kiddos would have been disappointed, but as long as we rescheduled, they would all be okay with it. So I presented all of this information to Tom via online messages as he was at work that day. My thought was that yes, it sucks for the kiddos to have to reschedule, but I also committed months ago to doing this race with a friend. It was one thing when I had no way to get  there and it's out of my control. It's quite another when that's not the case. So I ended up referring my friend to another team I knew doing the race in her town - a team where she didn't know anybody - what an awful situation to put somebody in. I was okay with it when I had no choice and no way to get there, but once I had a way there this felt completely wrong and disloyal to me to ditch her like that. But Tom was sticking to his guns that I shouldn't go. We should just go ahead and have the kiddos and get it over with because he didn't want me to reschedule for a different weekend. He had plans to study for a test (he's a full-time student right now) and he didn't want that getting in the way. However, I had plans to arrange childcare for our kiddos the entire time I was racing, so I wasn't going to leave him high and dry. Anyways, after continuing to get a no answer from him, even after he came home and I mentioned verbally (I'd already told him in writing via online message) that my brother and SIL offered their vehicle, he told me no he wasn't okay with my going. So, since I've committed to this dynamic in our relationship, I've submit despite how much it sucked. Come to find out later that night after the kiddos are already there and it's definitely too late to change anything, he tells me he didn't realize that my brother and SIL were going to let me use their vehicle. He thought I was planning on taking the other people's vehicle and that's why he wasn't comfortable with it. He would've been fine with my going. It's a classic case of he thought he knew what my argument was, so rather than read and listen fully to what I had to say he skimmed and missed important information.

I can't even begin to communicate how let down I am. I've forgiven him, but that doesn't mean I'm over the disappointment. I know I've forgiven because we've had loving interactions since then and trust me when I say I'm not the type to just be loving anyways if I haven't forgiven. But everytime I log into a certain social media site and see all of the pics of the girls hugging mud stained with that "proud as can be I conquered the world smile" on their faces, my disappointment comes up again in a fresh new wave. That will only heal with time. Now I was able to accept this a bit easier for a couple of reasons. I've been battling exhaustion and my training has not been what I wanted it to be. However, if I had been training hardcore for this for weeks on end and he last minute told me I wasn't allowed to go, I'd say screw it and accept my discipline when I got back. I work 60-72 hours a week supporting him so he can go to school. I homeschool our kiddo. And we live in constant financial stress. So if this is my way of blowing off steam, relieving stress, getting healthy, and having some fun through such a difficult time in our lives, I don't understand why he would keep that from me. And that's why I said what I did about this needing to be different when this comes up next year. If I've been consistently busting my butt to train and once again committed to meeting up with others, I'm not ditching a second time. After all, I don't want to lose my fit friends. And I don't want to feel robbed again of the sweet victory that is crossing a finish line after months of hard work and training.

I don't know when I've had a race that he didn't try to stop me at the last minute. For some reason he thinks it's incredibly inconvenient to him for me to go run a race and leave him alone for the day. Three months ago we had a similar situation. We were not in a DD relationship at the time. I'd trained well for my 7 mile race and he pitched a fit because he didn't want me to go. His reasoning - we don't have the gas money. I manage the finances and I know what we have. I went. He came with the kiddos and supported me. But it was only after we raked each other over the coals for three days straight. I didn't want to go through that this time and look where it got me. I love him and want to submit, but I'm not going to let him take away the one thing in my life that is not about him or about the kiddos.

And this is why I didn't want to fill in the specifics because I knew the tone would start to turn venomous. I'm trying not to dear readers. Please give me the benefit of the doubt on that. The reality is someone reading this may think "Wow. She's not submissive at all!" Well, I say people can think what they want to. I used to run the show and make all of the decisions and I'm tired of being in that role. Since starting DD/Ds our marriage has improved by leaps and bounds. I am very sure that divorce was only a matter of time before finding this. But that doesn't mean it's going to look perfect. And our DD/Ds relationship is not going to look like other people's. In our relationship I will absolutely express my opinion. He does have final say - as he clearly did in this situation despite how I felt about it. But I don't see expressing my opinion as topping from the bottom. Neither Tom nor I are interested in a relationship where I don't state my opinion. We've discussed this. That might work for other people, but not for me. Now there are times where he doesn't want to hear my opinion and that's a different matter. I will try to express my opinion in a way that's disrespectful to him. But especially on those issues that I am most passionate about, such as this one, I will express it whether he wants to hear it or not.

So anyways, there you go. That's the whole story as best I can relay it. I hope that it's not too much of a rant, which I did not want to do.*********************************

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Q's for Blogland

So I find that I have some more technical/practical questions after blogging for some time. I'm hoping to find some help and direction.

I LOVE so many of the pictures I see on other people's sites. I'm a huge fan of black/white photos that show couples. Many of you post them. In many of them one partner is clearly in a more submissive position. Sometimes he's pulling her hair, holding her down, caressing her, etc...I also love some of the ones with cute little phrases that have to do with spanking, D/s ideas, etc...When I do a post right now I google for pics and I never come up with pictures so lovely as what I'm finding on other people's blogs. Soooo....where do you guys get your pictures?

How do you come up with ideas for your blog?

I'm not entirely thrilled with the look of my blog. It's okay and I did it in a hurry just to get something up. But I'd love to have a look that's more "me". What are some resources that you use to get your blog to look the way that you want it to?

Do you have a set schedule that you post on? Ex. - every M, W, Saturday or something like that? I've toyed with the idea. I'm just curious what other people do.

Any and all advice is appreciated. Thank you!

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Off Topic Snippet

I always like it when bloggers go off topic for a post now and then to share a little bit of themselves that otherwise wouldn't be seen. For me it's fun to get to see another side of someone and get more of a feel for the person whose writings I follow. So, I've decided I'm going to try to do this now and then. I have no idea how often I'll do this sort of post or if I'll even remember to keep doing it now and then or if I'll run out of things to say if I do. Anyways, here goes.

Ten Random Things About Me

1. I love the idea of crafting and creating. I have scrapbooking supplies, knitting supplies, sewing stuff, art supplies, etc...In reality, I never have time for any of it. I want to scrapbook my kiddos' lives. My six year old's scrapbook has made it to about two months old and I haven't even started on one for my two year old!

2. I'm kind of crunchy. I make my own cleaners, cloth diaper, and homeschool my school age child.

3. I love homemade macaroni and cheese. It's my favorite comfort food.

4. I have funky colors in my hair right now -all over black with some bright blue and purple strands mixed in.

5. I started running a year and a half ago. I've completed a 5k, a 7 mile race twice (two subsequent years), and a half marathon. I'm supposed to do an obstacle race this coming Saturday - 4 miles and 20 obstacles - yikes! I've never done an obstacle race and my training has kind of fallen off the radar the past several months, so I'm very sure it will chew me up and spit me out. I plan to go anyways, that is, if I can find a way there. Our car just broke a week and a half ago and our other vehicle is only safe for local travel. So we shall see what this weekend holds for me!

6. I play piano.

7. I majored in Sociology in college and minored in Psychology.

8.I'm a major bookworm. I'd much rather curl up with a good book than go out where there's going to be tons of people.

9. I'm a beer snob. I love craft beers and German beers. I despise cider beers and don't even bother with most American style beers!

10. I am a huge fan of the Lord of the Rings books and movies.


Monday, September 23, 2013

The Aftermath

We are three days post blowout and I'm feeling okay. As much as I hate that I went to the extreme that I did with my behavior, we are both viewing this interaction as something that was necessary and probably bound to happen at some point. It has been a growth opportunity for us. 

It has been painful for me. I've had so many feelings bouncing around. I know I've read several posts in blogland about the highs of DD being really high and the lows being really low. I've always been an emotional person, so I'm used to feeling ups and downs. But this down has been different. And it's been different because of the level of connection that my husband and I are experiencing. Honestly, if an interaction such as this one had happened three months ago, I would have fumed for days, dwelling on my own rightness. I would've eventually felt regret for my actions, but not on any sort of deep level. The regret would've been more the kind that one feels when caught doing something wrong. So I would've been more sorry about being caught in my actions and dealing with the aftermath with my husband. I don't know that I would've been genuinely sorry for having hurt him or felt at all the disconnect that occured as a result. There were so many walls then that we could fling harsh words back and forth and I could throw things at him and I never felt great sadness.

But here we are and I've felt cut to the core. Rather than dwelling on everything that I think he's done wrong and justifying my actions, I've dwelt on myself and what I need to change. I've felt deep sorrow for having hurt him and have felt the rift in the relationship. He forgave me that night and we did reconnect on a sexual level. But the next day things did not feel right. There was a huge disconnect. I could acutely feel his disappointment over the situation and his distance. I did everything I knew to do to try to restore the relationship. I tried my old way of nagging and pleading with him, which just caused him to retreat further. We did end up having a mini argument the following morning. I spent the day upset that I couldn't seem to get him to reconnect with me. Touching was off the table. I honestly wished that he would just spank my ass for the original infraction and for my huge fit and get it over with.But he said he wasn't ready to go there. By the time day two after the incident rolled around I felt absolutely desperate for connection with him. I don't know when I've felt such a strong neediness within myself.

So Day two after our blowout I tried to stop asking about the spanking and when we could take care of this. I got the same reply - that he's not ready to go there with me yet. So I took another approach. I decided to focus on my submission. I looked for any situation in which I could submit. When he spoke his preference or opinion, rather than piping in with my own I tried a "Yes, Sir." I poured his drink while he studied and tried to make sure he was comfortable. I made a meat based meal for dinner instead of going with my vegetarian leanings as I usually do. He really seemed to appreciate that one. I tried to be respectful. When he got irritated that I messed with the thermostat yet again (we tend to have thermostat wars) I apologized and changed it to what he thought it should be set at. When I wanted to change the setting in preparation for the drop in temperature that night, I asked his permission to change it. That's not something I've ever done, but it seems to be a big deal to him.

He was still studying when I went to bed and I reminded him that he could wake me up to have sex if he needed that and since he's HOH I couldn't really say no. That's one of our specific rules that I suggested when we first began TTWD. I am not allowed to turn him down for sex. Anyways, I didn't really expect anything to come of that. I knew that he knew that I missed him, but I also knew that he was tired from studying all day. So imagine my shock when I hear a voice telling me to get up and come downstairs. He took care of my pleasure first, if you know what I mean, before taking care of his own needs and then told me that he wanted to make sure that I knew I was loved. Despite the early hour in which he came to bed, it made me over the moon happy. I needed that reconnection with him.

I'm still waiting on my punishment. I honestly hope he's ready to go there soon because I don't think I will truly be able to move on until he has. I also sincerely hope he's hard and heavy with it too. He has yet to give me a punishment that's difficult to take. I can't explain it, but I feel that's what I need in order to move on. I don't know if I should just tell him that so that he can better understand my need? Or maybe this is a situation where I should just relinquish control and accept whatever he ends up deciding to do even if he takes it easy on me? I'm trying to tread carefully because I dealt a big blow to his HOH confidence when we had our blowout last Friday. I know that. So I'm trying to be extra careful not to do or say anything else that would shake his confidence. I'd love to hear people's thoughts on this one!

Overall, this has taught me not just how not to act during a punishment, but that this is the right thing for us. The deep level of connection we've had and the fact that I was able to really and truly feel it's absence is a good sign in terms of our relationship. It's the level of closeness that I want to have in my marriage. I don't want to be so numb to how he feels that big blowouts like this don't bother me and that's where we were for years. I can't go back to that, especially not now that I know what it's like to achieve a deeper connection in my marriage.

So for now I'll just continue to hang in here, try to find as many ways to submit as I possibly can so that I can help to rebuild his HOH confidence, and hopefully I'll be submitting to this punishment soon.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Epic Fail - Don't Try This At Home

As many other people in blogland point out on a regular basis, DD/TTWD is a lot of work. We had a major breakdown yesterday. We both felt at a loss afterwards.

It started like this. I felt out of sorts later in the day. I was overwhelmed with everything that needed to be done and he was grumpy when I asked for help. So it was a lovely combination. We fell into one of our old habits of flinging harsh words back and forth. And then I crossed the line by throwing something out of anger. We haven't fully developed rules yet, but this is one that I'm already well aware of. It's a nasty thing I do when I'm feeling unloved and out of control and Tom rightfully wants to break me of this. I'd love to say that throwing something was the epic failure, but the evening got much much worse.

So he immediately told me, "Upstairs. Now!" I know what that means. Time for discipline. I went upstairs and he shut the door. I was upset because I could tell how pissed off he was. And when he told me to "assume the position", I tried. But then the kiddos started following up the stairs and he turned around and yelled at them to go back downstairs. And seemed very very mad. My fear took over and I hopped down off of the bed and told him, "No!" and many other colorful things that I honestly can't remember right now. I even told him at one point, "I'm not doing this anymore. I can't trust you with this!" He insisted that we are doing this and now I can see and respect that he was fighting to maintain his HOH status and our new dynamic that overall has been helping things in our marriage. But I did not see that at the time. I let my fear and lack of trust take over. I grabbed his implement out of his hand and whacked him with it. Hard. He stiffened up and was understandably very mad. I realized that I crossed the line big time. I told him I'd submit for the punishment, but it was too late. The kiddos were trying to come in the bedroom - they're pretty young. Tom stormed off downstairs and I laid on the bed and cried. My six year old came in and wanted to know if I was okay and "What hurts mommy?" and "Did daddy hit you with the lightsaber?" If I had quietly submit to the punishment, my kiddos would've been none the wiser, but instead our older one was alarmed and worried. Tom was pissed off at me and rightfully so and I felt like a complete jerk. What a mess!

I finally went downstairs and attempts at talking between Tom and I did not go well. He felt betrayed. I'd brought up this DD/TTWD idea to him and then lashed out when he stepped up to use it. I felt misunderstood. I knew that some earlier life experiences had likely triggered my behavior. One of the things that I said when we were spouting things back and forth was that his facial expressions and tone of voice reminded me my dad when I was younger and it scared me. I thought Tom was completely out of control. Looking back, he was definitely mad at my behavior, but he was not out of control. He was not going to start swinging his implement wildly and uncontrollably. But in the moment, my faulty perception told me that was what I could expect and it freaked me out. So really I was the one out of control.

After many more harsh words exchanged he left the house to run an errand. He told me prior to leaving the house that he wasn't sure he could do DD anymore. I felt crushed. I knew that it was my fault. The reality is, despite this insanely huge and crazy episode, DD has been working for us. We've had more peace in our house in the last month than we've had in years. It has been hard though and mentally I've had doubts and fears, as I'm sure any new TIH does. But it all came to a head last night. I felt lost.

At that point I decided a visit to the DD Chat room would maybe help. Perhaps someone had been through something similar. Of course I couldn't find a single TIH in the room at that time who'd ever whacked their HOH with their implement. So that makes me feel like the problem child of the group. However, I did find some words of wisdom and some ideas. Tom returned while I was in the chat room and started asking about the conversation. So we started talking calmly together about the ideas people were putting out there. We decided that we absolutely need a safe word, so that if I'm feeling emotionally unsafe I have a way to let him know that. Also, we've talked about implementing a time in between infraction and punishment, so that Tom has plenty of time to be calm. This is the one that we haven't come to a clear cut decision on. We see the wisdom in this, but our current lifestyle is insanely busy, so we're trying to figure out the logistics of how that would work and what the length of time should be. But, thanks to finding help in the chat room, we both feel comfortable slowly moving forward. We're just adding a few more tools to help us.

I am going to have to work doubly hard at submitting, but most of all at trusting. I need to trust that my HOH is going to keep me emotionally safe. He's not really given me reason to think otherwise, so this is a matter of me changing my perception. The analogy he gave me to describe how he felt about the whole thing was this. "What if you had a new training method for our dog and you used it and she jumped up and bit you? Would you have much trust in that training method? Would you be leary of trying it again?" Not that he's trying to compare me to the dog, but the idea is that I brought this to him as a tool for our marriage, singing the praises of how DD/TTWD would work for us. He saw the potential and jumped on board. And then I lashed out at him when he utilized it. So in his mind it backfired and could easily do so again. And I see where he's coming from in thinking that.

I hope that I'm not a hopeless cause when it comes to having a DD relationship. We have had quite a few successful punishments in the last month as well as deepening of our relationship in several areas and that helps me to see our potential. There were some specific things that came up in this interaction that we obviously have had to take a step back and look at and figure out how to address. I'm thankful for the DD Community. I have somewhere to go for help and that means the world to me.

The night ended on a positive note. We cuddled and watched a movie and reconnected sexually. He did tell me that I'm still due for the original infraction, but I think he's intentionally giving it some time and space before he makes good on that promise. I don't blame him for that at all and this time I will submit like a good girl and not act like a problem child. I truly hope that I've learned my lesson and can remind myself to give him trust in the moment even when I'm not feeling trusting.

Today is a new today. I'm trying to put this epic failure behind me, but at the same time I want to hold onto the lessons that I've learned from it and hopefully prevent this kind of incident from happening in the future.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Can a Viper Not Spew Venom?

One thing I've learned from reading numerous blogs in which people had a rough start to this lifestyle is that it is a very bad idea to get caught up in grand expectations of my husband immediately transforming into this awesomely consistent HOH. The piece of advice that seems to be repeated over and over and over is not to worry about HIS behavior, but to focus on MY behavior. If I want him to be successful in taking on the HOH role, then I need to show him how wonderful it is to have a submissive wife and not worry so much about his side of things. Sounds simple enough, right? WRONG! I am wondering if there is a single submissive bone in my body. After ten years of marriage, taking on this role of TIH is completely unnatural to me. One thing that is happening is that I am being afforded amazing insight and clarity into my behavior. Have I always been this venomous? Really? Is this who my husband has been married to for ten years, because if so I'm kind of wondering why he's still here. And insight and clarity is wonderful. It truly is. But it's only the beginning.

Awareness is the first step towards changing my behavior. But how? What if a viper was told that it was no longer able to spew venom? How would it protect itself? Truly my venomous words serve a protective function for me. I know this because I do not spew venom at other people, such as friends and family. Okay, maybe I spew venom towards a select few family members when they're not around to hear it! This is a deeply ingrained way of communicating with my husband. How do I just stop? Oh sure, it would help if he would call me on it and discipline every time, but I can't expect that of him when we're first starting out. He's still getting his feet on the ground as HOH and my verbally acting out is not encouraging him to take on his role, but undermining it. I wonder if my behavior makes him doubt that I'm actually serious about this new dynamic in our marriage. I do think part of me is trying to test him, which I know is foolhardy at this point and will make things worse.

Maybe there needs to be a 12 step program for this. Spouses who are addicted to saying hurtful things and running the show can attend support groups, counseling, and go through 12 steps and be done with this addiction to control. I won't hold my breath for that one. It seems what I need is some way to stop myself in the moment. You know, that moment where you are absolutely sure of your rightness and mad as hell at whatever he is doing and you cease to care what comes out of your mouth? Yes, that is the moment where intervention needs to occur. And the thing is, the hurtful words aren't effective. They don't help the situation. It's not like the situations in which I used hurtful words eight years ago have changed his behavior and ceased to exist to the point that I no longer spew hurtful words for those same behaviors and situations. In other words, it doesn't effect positive change. All I've seen these words do is build up walls, cause a break in intimacy and friendship, and increase feelings of hostility and lack of trust. If somehow I could remember that in the moment, it would be so helpful. I guess it's just going to be a matter of attempting to make that intentional choice to stop each and every time I have an opportunity to change my words. I guess I have to believe that at some point it will become more natural and seem easier. It really really needs to because right now I feel like a viper who has been told to cease being a viper.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

A Month of Firsts

This last month has felt a little like this.

        And this.

And this     

I am more attracted to my husband than I have been in years. In many ways it feels like we're going through a second honeymoon period during our TENTH year of marriage! How is this possible? To be honest, we never had much of a first honeymoon period. Maybe there was one or two months, three months at the most, when we were first married where we were enamored of one another and easily glossed over the other's imperfections. I don't know if it didn't last long because we were already best friends for so many years and knew each other well enough to be annoyed with the little things that much quicker or if our power struggles just began that early in our marriage. Who knows? But that's not really what this post is about.

It's unreal to me that we've been married for ten years and we're just now experiencing so many firsts. In the past month I've had my first erotic spanking. I've experienced my first disciplinary spanking. I've enjoyed servicing him, if you know what I mean, and honestly in the past that was something I tolerated for his sake, but never enjoyed. And just recently, as in yesterday, my ass lost it's virginity. This was something that was a fear of mine and to be honest, if it weren't for his newly acquired HOH status I'm not sure that I would've cooperated. But he knew I could handle it and urged me onward. I'm working hard to learn to trust him as HOH and part of that is to trust him sexually and let him tell me what I can handle. He knows. He really and truly does and he would never do anything to hurt me.

So for those that are unfamiliar with the pics above, that's Meg Ryan in "When Harry Met Sally", an entertaining and lighthearted romantic comedy. In the scene shown in the pics above she is demonstrating how a woman can easily fake a believable orgasm. While her pleasure was faked, I assure you that mine in this past month has been absolutely real.

I'm looking forward to where my HOH leads me in this new and unfamiliar territory of exploring and enjoying my sexuality. I know he will continue to push me out of my comfort zone and I think that makes him a terrific HOH. He's not going to let us stagnate. And even as we age together, I know that he'll keep things exciting until our parts are burnt out and spent and ready to move into the next life.

Friday, September 13, 2013

May The Force Be With You

One of my first punishment spankings occured when I threw something out of anger. Tom's reaction was to tell me to go to the basement so we could talk. On one hand, since we had been experimenting with a D/S dynamic, I was excited to see his inner Dom come out. On the other hand I knew that he was really pissed at me and I wasn't really sure what to expect. So by the time he got downstairs I was already halfway in tears. And you know what he brought with him? Our son's lightsaber toy. On one hand it's hollow and pretty lightweight, so you wouldn't think it would be terrible, but it has quite the sting to it. That being said, this was one of my first real punishment spankings. So he stopped the minute I cried out, which was after only three swats. That was plenty to keep me good for a good half a week. I know that as time goes on and he becomes more confident with spanking, I will not get off so easy! How is it that we're only a few weeks into this and Tom already has a favorite implement? And I absolutely despise it - it really is quite stingy. I will never hear the phrase "May the force be with you" the same way again!

Thursday, September 12, 2013

The Convoluted Trail That Led Us To DD

Well, first and foremost, let me thank EL James, the writer of Fifty Shades of Grey. Had it not been for her book I may have stayed sexually closed off for the remainder of my married years and my adoring hubby would have continued to endure an unsatisfactory marriage. And oh my, how unsatisfactory a marriage it has been for both of us. This has been caused not just been my unwillingness to be comfortable with sexuality, an unfortunate side effect of poor religious teaching in terms of sex when I was young and impressionable, but also a complete repulsion towards the idea of traditional roles in marriage. I may address those factors more in a future blog post. But for now, I will give a short description of the convulted trail that led us to where we are.

So, back to Fifty Shades. I am not making any claim that the main characters, Christian and Ana, are in a genuine DD relationship. What I am saying is that I'm like many other married women who've read the book. There I was in my lackluster marriage trying to get by and muddle through. Our marriage was often characterized by hostility, indifference, and sexual stagnation. So this story was obviously a form of escape for me. My first reading of it was last year and I remember feeling it was very HOT and yet the dynamic of the relationship was not something I had ever wanted for myself. "No man is going to control me!" was my lifelong mantra ever since I was a young girl. After my first reading I continued on with life, but was on a constant search for escapist fiction of this sort. I had a hard time finding much else that I connected with. So back in June and July of this past year, I read them again. And then I started waking up. That's the most accurate way that I can describe what happened. It was as if there was this sexual being inside of me that had been lying dormant for so long. All of a sudden, sexuality made sense. I didn't want to feel dirty about sex any longer. So I did what many people do when interest has been piqued. I googled. I started with the concept of BDSM, which was obviously introduced in Fifty Shades. And lest I offend anyone in that lifestyle, after much research, I am well aware that Fifty Shades is not a true representation of BDSM.

So, as I said, my research began with BDSM. I started reading a few books and thought, this is HOT. I brought it up with hubby, who nearly jumped out of his skin in a good way. He's been a very willing participant on this journey I might add. We've been married for ten years and I think he's just been waiting and waiting and waiting for this awakening. It just goes to show his amazingly deep level of love and commitment to me. So we started getting a little adventurous in the bedroom, which was fun and freeing, but I knew I wasn't quite there yet. My reading and research continued. For some reason, the dynamics of the Dominant/Sub really appealed to me. I couldn't figure out why, as I swore from childhood that if I were ever married I would NEVER let a man run the show. Anyways, through my research into BDSM I stumbled onto some DD blogs. Let me tell you, and I really don't mean to insult anyone with my honesty here, I was initially very repulsed. Why oh why would a woman allow a man to do that to her? Now, I was not with the naysayers who thought it was abuse because I could definitely tell from the blogs and information that I found that this was a consensual relationship. But I didn't get it at all! So I ceased my exploration of DD and stumbled onto some kink and BDSM resources that covered erotic spanking. Now, at this point, I was still not interested in spanking as a punishment at all. But I was getting really turned on by the idea of spanking.This is where I really struggled. I couldn't understand why this idea of a spanking would turn me on. And let me tell you, I have very good reason to not like the idea of a spanking. Yet here I was at a crossroads. I could stay the same or I could bring this up to Tom. I felt mortified at the idea of telling him that I wanted him to do this. I hemmed and hawed and hinted and he started getting the idea. But it was nothing more than playful swats here and there. So at one point I had to sit down and spell it out to him and he was a bit hesitant. Why? Because he's a great guy and he's afraid of hurting me. He loves me immensely. I also think he was waiting a bit to make sure I was serious about this. And after a playful spanking or two, I wanted more. The new exploration in sex and the fun spankings were exciting and we'll definitely continue in that, but it wasn't what I was looking for. I enjoyed our experimentation with him dominating in the bedroom more than I ever imagined I would. But I wanted more.

That feeling of wanting more prompted me to continue to google and read. Then I found the TIH website and at that moment, I felt like I'd found IT. Now I'm not saying that TIH is going to solve all of our marital problems. BUT our marital problems generally do not stem from us not liking one another or issues of complete incompatibility. Many many many of our struggles have been born out of power struggles. So in other words, we spent countless hours, days, years in fact, fighting about all of those little things that we don't really care about anyways. Yes, it's sad, but so true! And as much as I had fought the idea of a man being in charge, after reading through D/S sites and the TIH site I was intrigued. Reading the personal accounts of those who utilized spanking in their relationships for disciplinary purposes had me intrigued and excited all of a sudden. How could this be? It seemed at odds with what I'd always wanted, but I'd already found so much enjoyment from the prior few month of exploration, more enjoyment than I thought possible for me in fact. I knew that we needed to continue on this path and see where it led. In other words, I was starting to realize that I was incredibly attracted to the idea of Tom being that dominant force in the relationship all the time.

So all of this led back to not only the TIH site, but TTWD and DD resources. That's right. I went back to those DD resources that initially turned me off. Why was I so repulsed initially? Because I was not ready for that. Now I realize that it's absolutely the right path for us. While there are TIH couples who do not use physical force, I don't think that would work for us. I am so extremely strong-willed, and since I plan to be honest in this blog I will also add disrespectful, that I think an approach that leaves out physical force would not work for us. So we are very gingerly sticking our toes in. I will also write more on that in a later blog. So far this has been more effective than any marriage counseling session we've had, book I've read, or prayers that I've prayed. On another note, I'm not saying my prayers were unanswered, but maybe we just had to come this ourselves.

Where was my Tom in all of this? He's been pretty agreeable to all of it. He's had his moments of hesitation and after reading through many blogs, it seems that's very normal for a man who is new to stepping into the role of HOH. Lord knows, he's been more than patient with me, so I can definitely be patient with him!

This blog, as is the point of many DD blogs, is going to be a chronicle of our journey into DD. I think that people who are exploring this need a lot of resources. And, if a few years from now, someone can learn from our early mistakes that would be fantastic. Also, I am aware after my exploration that there is a community of DD women and I'm sincerely hoping to find other TIH women that I gel with to come alongside me during this journey. I have seen from reading comments in other blogs that they are a wellspring of advice, comfort, and inspiration. I welcome feedback from not just from those who are TIH, but HOH as well. This is going to be a rough change for me and so I expect to need a lot of direction - and probably a lot of spanking too!

If you've made it through my "short" description of how we came to where we are, then thank you for reading and I look forward to getting to "know" you!