Saturday, September 21, 2013
Epic Fail - Don't Try This At Home
As many other people in blogland point out on a regular basis, DD/TTWD is a lot of work. We had a major breakdown yesterday. We both felt at a loss afterwards.
It started like this. I felt out of sorts later in the day. I was overwhelmed with everything that needed to be done and he was grumpy when I asked for help. So it was a lovely combination. We fell into one of our old habits of flinging harsh words back and forth. And then I crossed the line by throwing something out of anger. We haven't fully developed rules yet, but this is one that I'm already well aware of. It's a nasty thing I do when I'm feeling unloved and out of control and Tom rightfully wants to break me of this. I'd love to say that throwing something was the epic failure, but the evening got much much worse.
So he immediately told me, "Upstairs. Now!" I know what that means. Time for discipline. I went upstairs and he shut the door. I was upset because I could tell how pissed off he was. And when he told me to "assume the position", I tried. But then the kiddos started following up the stairs and he turned around and yelled at them to go back downstairs. And seemed very very mad. My fear took over and I hopped down off of the bed and told him, "No!" and many other colorful things that I honestly can't remember right now. I even told him at one point, "I'm not doing this anymore. I can't trust you with this!" He insisted that we are doing this and now I can see and respect that he was fighting to maintain his HOH status and our new dynamic that overall has been helping things in our marriage. But I did not see that at the time. I let my fear and lack of trust take over. I grabbed his implement out of his hand and whacked him with it. Hard. He stiffened up and was understandably very mad. I realized that I crossed the line big time. I told him I'd submit for the punishment, but it was too late. The kiddos were trying to come in the bedroom - they're pretty young. Tom stormed off downstairs and I laid on the bed and cried. My six year old came in and wanted to know if I was okay and "What hurts mommy?" and "Did daddy hit you with the lightsaber?" If I had quietly submit to the punishment, my kiddos would've been none the wiser, but instead our older one was alarmed and worried. Tom was pissed off at me and rightfully so and I felt like a complete jerk. What a mess!
I finally went downstairs and attempts at talking between Tom and I did not go well. He felt betrayed. I'd brought up this DD/TTWD idea to him and then lashed out when he stepped up to use it. I felt misunderstood. I knew that some earlier life experiences had likely triggered my behavior. One of the things that I said when we were spouting things back and forth was that his facial expressions and tone of voice reminded me my dad when I was younger and it scared me. I thought Tom was completely out of control. Looking back, he was definitely mad at my behavior, but he was not out of control. He was not going to start swinging his implement wildly and uncontrollably. But in the moment, my faulty perception told me that was what I could expect and it freaked me out. So really I was the one out of control.
After many more harsh words exchanged he left the house to run an errand. He told me prior to leaving the house that he wasn't sure he could do DD anymore. I felt crushed. I knew that it was my fault. The reality is, despite this insanely huge and crazy episode, DD has been working for us. We've had more peace in our house in the last month than we've had in years. It has been hard though and mentally I've had doubts and fears, as I'm sure any new TIH does. But it all came to a head last night. I felt lost.
At that point I decided a visit to the DD Chat room would maybe help. Perhaps someone had been through something similar. Of course I couldn't find a single TIH in the room at that time who'd ever whacked their HOH with their implement. So that makes me feel like the problem child of the group. However, I did find some words of wisdom and some ideas. Tom returned while I was in the chat room and started asking about the conversation. So we started talking calmly together about the ideas people were putting out there. We decided that we absolutely need a safe word, so that if I'm feeling emotionally unsafe I have a way to let him know that. Also, we've talked about implementing a time in between infraction and punishment, so that Tom has plenty of time to be calm. This is the one that we haven't come to a clear cut decision on. We see the wisdom in this, but our current lifestyle is insanely busy, so we're trying to figure out the logistics of how that would work and what the length of time should be. But, thanks to finding help in the chat room, we both feel comfortable slowly moving forward. We're just adding a few more tools to help us.
I am going to have to work doubly hard at submitting, but most of all at trusting. I need to trust that my HOH is going to keep me emotionally safe. He's not really given me reason to think otherwise, so this is a matter of me changing my perception. The analogy he gave me to describe how he felt about the whole thing was this. "What if you had a new training method for our dog and you used it and she jumped up and bit you? Would you have much trust in that training method? Would you be leary of trying it again?" Not that he's trying to compare me to the dog, but the idea is that I brought this to him as a tool for our marriage, singing the praises of how DD/TTWD would work for us. He saw the potential and jumped on board. And then I lashed out at him when he utilized it. So in his mind it backfired and could easily do so again. And I see where he's coming from in thinking that.
I hope that I'm not a hopeless cause when it comes to having a DD relationship. We have had quite a few successful punishments in the last month as well as deepening of our relationship in several areas and that helps me to see our potential. There were some specific things that came up in this interaction that we obviously have had to take a step back and look at and figure out how to address. I'm thankful for the DD Community. I have somewhere to go for help and that means the world to me.
The night ended on a positive note. We cuddled and watched a movie and reconnected sexually. He did tell me that I'm still due for the original infraction, but I think he's intentionally giving it some time and space before he makes good on that promise. I don't blame him for that at all and this time I will submit like a good girl and not act like a problem child. I truly hope that I've learned my lesson and can remind myself to give him trust in the moment even when I'm not feeling trusting.
Today is a new today. I'm trying to put this epic failure behind me, but at the same time I want to hold onto the lessons that I've learned from it and hopefully prevent this kind of incident from happening in the future.