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Saturday, September 21, 2013

Epic Fail - Don't Try This At Home


As many other people in blogland point out on a regular basis, DD/TTWD is a lot of work. We had a major breakdown yesterday. We both felt at a loss afterwards.

It started like this. I felt out of sorts later in the day. I was overwhelmed with everything that needed to be done and he was grumpy when I asked for help. So it was a lovely combination. We fell into one of our old habits of flinging harsh words back and forth. And then I crossed the line by throwing something out of anger. We haven't fully developed rules yet, but this is one that I'm already well aware of. It's a nasty thing I do when I'm feeling unloved and out of control and Tom rightfully wants to break me of this. I'd love to say that throwing something was the epic failure, but the evening got much much worse.

So he immediately told me, "Upstairs. Now!" I know what that means. Time for discipline. I went upstairs and he shut the door. I was upset because I could tell how pissed off he was. And when he told me to "assume the position", I tried. But then the kiddos started following up the stairs and he turned around and yelled at them to go back downstairs. And seemed very very mad. My fear took over and I hopped down off of the bed and told him, "No!" and many other colorful things that I honestly can't remember right now. I even told him at one point, "I'm not doing this anymore. I can't trust you with this!" He insisted that we are doing this and now I can see and respect that he was fighting to maintain his HOH status and our new dynamic that overall has been helping things in our marriage. But I did not see that at the time. I let my fear and lack of trust take over. I grabbed his implement out of his hand and whacked him with it. Hard. He stiffened up and was understandably very mad. I realized that I crossed the line big time. I told him I'd submit for the punishment, but it was too late. The kiddos were trying to come in the bedroom - they're pretty young. Tom stormed off downstairs and I laid on the bed and cried. My six year old came in and wanted to know if I was okay and "What hurts mommy?" and "Did daddy hit you with the lightsaber?" If I had quietly submit to the punishment, my kiddos would've been none the wiser, but instead our older one was alarmed and worried. Tom was pissed off at me and rightfully so and I felt like a complete jerk. What a mess!

I finally went downstairs and attempts at talking between Tom and I did not go well. He felt betrayed. I'd brought up this DD/TTWD idea to him and then lashed out when he stepped up to use it. I felt misunderstood. I knew that some earlier life experiences had likely triggered my behavior. One of the things that I said when we were spouting things back and forth was that his facial expressions and tone of voice reminded me my dad when I was younger and it scared me. I thought Tom was completely out of control. Looking back, he was definitely mad at my behavior, but he was not out of control. He was not going to start swinging his implement wildly and uncontrollably. But in the moment, my faulty perception told me that was what I could expect and it freaked me out. So really I was the one out of control.

After many more harsh words exchanged he left the house to run an errand. He told me prior to leaving the house that he wasn't sure he could do DD anymore. I felt crushed. I knew that it was my fault. The reality is, despite this insanely huge and crazy episode, DD has been working for us. We've had more peace in our house in the last month than we've had in years. It has been hard though and mentally I've had doubts and fears, as I'm sure any new TIH does. But it all came to a head last night. I felt lost.

At that point I decided a visit to the DD Chat room would maybe help. Perhaps someone had been through something similar. Of course I couldn't find a single TIH in the room at that time who'd ever whacked their HOH with their implement. So that makes me feel like the problem child of the group. However, I did find some words of wisdom and some ideas. Tom returned while I was in the chat room and started asking about the conversation. So we started talking calmly together about the ideas people were putting out there. We decided that we absolutely need a safe word, so that if I'm feeling emotionally unsafe I have a way to let him know that. Also, we've talked about implementing a time in between infraction and punishment, so that Tom has plenty of time to be calm. This is the one that we haven't come to a clear cut decision on. We see the wisdom in this, but our current lifestyle is insanely busy, so we're trying to figure out the logistics of how that would work and what the length of time should be. But, thanks to finding help in the chat room, we both feel comfortable slowly moving forward. We're just adding a few more tools to help us.

I am going to have to work doubly hard at submitting, but most of all at trusting. I need to trust that my HOH is going to keep me emotionally safe. He's not really given me reason to think otherwise, so this is a matter of me changing my perception. The analogy he gave me to describe how he felt about the whole thing was this. "What if you had a new training method for our dog and you used it and she jumped up and bit you? Would you have much trust in that training method? Would you be leary of trying it again?" Not that he's trying to compare me to the dog, but the idea is that I brought this to him as a tool for our marriage, singing the praises of how DD/TTWD would work for us. He saw the potential and jumped on board. And then I lashed out at him when he utilized it. So in his mind it backfired and could easily do so again. And I see where he's coming from in thinking that.

I hope that I'm not a hopeless cause when it comes to having a DD relationship. We have had quite a few successful punishments in the last month as well as deepening of our relationship in several areas and that helps me to see our potential. There were some specific things that came up in this interaction that we obviously have had to take a step back and look at and figure out how to address. I'm thankful for the DD Community. I have somewhere to go for help and that means the world to me.

The night ended on a positive note. We cuddled and watched a movie and reconnected sexually. He did tell me that I'm still due for the original infraction, but I think he's intentionally giving it some time and space before he makes good on that promise. I don't blame him for that at all and this time I will submit like a good girl and not act like a problem child. I truly hope that I've learned my lesson and can remind myself to give him trust in the moment even when I'm not feeling trusting.

Today is a new today. I'm trying to put this epic failure behind me, but at the same time I want to hold onto the lessons that I've learned from it and hopefully prevent this kind of incident from happening in the future.

21 comments:

  1. You are right...don't look behind you except to learn from your mistakes.

    Sounds like it was a crazy night indeed but in the end I think you both recovered as will as could be expected and have a plan for moving forward.

    I used to be a thrower too:) We laugh about it now but I realized I had a problem when I had a steak knife in my hand one day and threw it at wall.

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    1. Thank you so much litle girl. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only "crazy" thrower...lol. It really is a terrible habit - we've lost a lot of dishes over the years. He is very wise to pick this out as one of the first things that he's bound and determined to break me of!

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  2. I don't know if you have read Stormy who's blog is Shelter in the Storm. She has a 15 minute 'rule' she can invoke if she feels scared. Basically, if I remember correctly, she can ask that her husband wait 15 minutes before he punishes her. ( Gosh I hope I am correct in saying it is Stormy). Perhaps you could try this. Of course you can't use it every time, but when you are fearful. It would help because if you are not in the right mindset, no amount of whacking away is going to help anyway.

    hugs
    willie

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    1. I have read parts of her blog. I don't remember that part, but that is a good idea. I discussed that with Tom and he's thinking that it sounds like a good idea. Neither one of us think it's always going to be necessary to wait a full 24 hours and with our busy schedules, that would probably just mean it wouldn't happen. So I like the idea of trying to keep punishment more in the hear and now, but having that type of safety net so that we can add time if it's absolutely necessary.

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  3. These things happen. You need to figure these things out. Although I haven't hit him with an implement, I *did* snatch one out of his hands a few weeks ago (didn't go over so well for me lol).

    Even though you desire this, the fear that comes from a) lack of privacy and b) not trusting he is in control of himself make it understandable that you reacted the way you did.

    You did the right thing. You gave each other space and you calmed down.

    Definitely choose a safe word. I'm not allowed to end a punishment with mine, but it's an immediate "HALT" so we can talk if something comes up.

    There is a lot of trial and error overall.

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    1. Thank you for your reply. Your blog inspires me so much. Not that I'm happy that you had a rough time and snatched the implement a few weeks ago, as I have no doubt that did not go over well, but at least I feel that other TIH's do nutty things in the moment now and then. Granted, I'm not sure that anyone has taken it to my level of nuttiness, but oh well, what's done is done! We are going to have a safeword now that doesn't eliminate the punishment, but allows for a time-out so to speak if I'm feeling unsafe. I'm thinking that maybe the day will come that I don't need it anymore. I don't know!

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    2. Oh gosh, we all do nutty things. Trust me! You're not alone. Sometimes I even say things and the second they come out of my mouth I say, "No, I really didn't just say that. Please pretend that never ever happened." lol

      Better to have a safe word and not use it than need one and not have it.

      I used ours once recently...during sex...of all things, he was getting a bit too into the hair pulling. It had gone far beyond enjoyable (I do like it if done right and at the right time). I yelled out the safeword and he stopped immediately and was like, "Did you just use the safeword?" Um, yeah! I'd like my hair to stay on my head thank you!! lol I almost felt badly at first having used it, but then I realized I was glad I did. It showed me that he would, indeed, respect it and it is a nice tool to have.

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  4. WOW! Im so sorry that you guys had a rough time. Its very hard to not fall back into past practice. I know that is one of my biggest problems. Hang in there!

    i love his analogy!!! That really made a lot of sense and kinda struck a nerve with me. I am going to share that with Hubby, he is struggling with disicpline too.

    Im glad to hear that you both calmed down and were able to come back together. This lifestyle IS a lot of hard work but the payoff is amazing. And look at the positive....a bad fight equals great makeup sex!!!!

    Good luck to you!

    Subrina <3

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    1. Yes. We did have great makeup sex that night...lol. He has not touched me since though. I'm hoping he will administer the punishment soon and get it overwith. I feel left in limbo a bit! I'm glad that the analogy spoke to you. I hope that it helps your hubby!

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  5. honey little steps at a time. always trust and talk

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    1. Thank you for that reminder. I'm so inspired by all of the blogs I'm reading and people that I've been getting to know in the dd community that I feel like I just want to be "there" already, you know. But I know that we are just at the beginning of this and there are years of bad habits and walls to break through!

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  6. just remember, everything takes time. there will be bumps in the road. the important thing is you continue to communicate-together.


    taking the lesson from yesterday is great, but leave behind the feeding of failure. it is a new day, and yesterday no longer matters. hugs.

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    1. Thank you for that. I think I am still carrying the guilt and a sense of failure with me. I kind of wish Tom would spank me already and do it thoroughly so that I can be purged of all of these dark feelings. But I will have to wait patiently and submit to however he wants to handle this.

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  7. You aren't hopeless at all...this happens to me often! If my emotions are crazy and I'm overwhelmed and I think at ALL that Z is not totally in control of his emotions it's very hard for me to trust him. I think just two weeks ago we had a similar argument. I think what was helpful is that later...even a couple days later...when we could both talk and apologize and I could tell him that I fell short...we still proceeded with the errr.... discipline. It reconnected us and it made me feel his consistency. There will be more "no's" from you in the future...just before it happens tell Tom what you would like to happen or what you would admire him for if he did such and such in that case. I told Z I need him to just tell me "you need to be alone and then I'm coming back to deal with this and talk to you in a little while." Then you would have time to calm down...explain what's REALLY going on...and then he could spank you and not feel like you just trampeled on him. He's still in charge. talk talk talk :)

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    1. I think I will feel MUCH better once Tom proceeds with our discipline. And I don't want to say this on the off chance that he looks at my blog, but I kind of hope he hits it hard and heavy. I feel like I need it. I need to think about that - how I would've like him to react in that situation. I'm not sure what would've snapped me out of that. I am leaning towards a little bit of time and space to get into a calmer state.

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    2. I think space is the key. I like for to Z to understand that I if my brain is off and I'm in the middle of some crazy physco meltdown I actually can't even bring myself down to earth enough to get spanked or even have him talking to about what I'm doing that's so wrong. I told him I just need him to firmly say "you need to go be quiet in our bedroom, I will come see you in awhile" OR tell me to go take a shower.

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  8. Oh Rose, you don't sound like a hopeless cause at all. We've had lots of moments where things fell apart and we reverted to our 'old ways' of dealing with things--even as recently as Friday. For us, they do seem to be getting fewer and far between (I hope).

    My only advice is to just keep talking and figuring out what works and what doesn't for your relationship. The more you work through times like this, the more your trust will grow.

    hugs,

    aurora

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    1. Thank you very much for telling me that I'm not hopeless. I feel like I kind of am...lol. I think the key is continuing to talk and work through failures. I know that my inability to let go and just trust is at the root of this incident as well as other struggles that we're having with this.

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  9. Hi Rose! First, welcome to blogging. Willie sent me over as I've been hopeless at finding new bloggers lately.

    My last post talks about an angry interaction that we had which while different, was just as awful as what you are talking about here. It's really hard...but I hope you two don't give up on this. My husband and I have been doing this for going on 3 years now so it's hard for me to shut things down when he is angry. At the same time, it is SO okay for us women to make sure we feel safe, both physically and emotionally. Stormy does have a 15 minute rule and either of them can call it at any time...I think even in the middle of a spanking if necessary. It's a way of slowing things down and giving each other space, which includes verbal space. If anything, that is what you and Tom needed. We can do so much damage with our mouths and time to calm down and get the nastiness out of our system really helps.

    I hope the rest of your conversation with him went well and that he is encouraged to try again. Trust me Rose, this stuff happens from time to time, even many years in (go read Sara's blog at Finding Sara). You guys have not failed, it's just that you are learning to communicate healthily. Grab his hand and keep talking. Find your gentle side, the one that defers to him and he will feel a bit more confident and try again. The next time you throw a fit...lol...you will both get through it a bit more easily and hopefully you won't smack him with the implement. Welcome to the club of sassy ladies! We are all here to help each other.

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  10. I'm glad you found me Susie. Thank you for visiting and reading! Hubby and I have discussed using a safe word and a 15 minute rule. So time will tell if those things work for us. But he'll have to start spanking again before we can figure that out...lol! Yes, I hope I NEVER whack him with an implement again. I hope that was just this one time moment of complete and utter insanity that is never repeated! It does feel reassuring to know that I'm joining the "sassy ladies" club as you put it. Lord knows that while I'm working on submission, I'm NOT one of those naturally submissive types, so I'm glad to know that there will be many women that I can relate to!

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  11. Hey Rose welcome to blogland! I came by before but didn't comment yet. Sorry I am late to the party. I hope by now you are doing much better. Glad to have you here!

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