When Submission Hurts

I knew the day would come that submission wouldn't be easy, when something I felt extremely passionate about would be inadvertently trampled by my HOH's passion in an opposite direction. And since I've agreed in advance to submit to his decisions, I would have to follow through and do just that. That day finally came - last Friday and Saturday to be exact. I've wanted to write about the situation, examine it, and get my feelings out ever since. But every time I tried, the words that came to my head continued to plead my case and list all of the reasons that I believe my HOH was wrong. I promised myself when I began my blog that I would not use this as a place to bash Tom. So I've realized that because this topic is so sensitive to me, I just can't go into the specifics. I can only say that we had a huge difference of opinion on something that affected me personally, as well as a friend of mine.

What upset me the most about the situation is that I didn't feel listened to. Because of our schedules that day, most of my pleading of my case was done via online messages. At one point he said (typed), "Well, you're just going to do what you want to do anyways. You always do. So why are we still talking about this?" That hurt because I really was trying to submit, but I never agreed not to express my opinion and I at least want to feel heard. I honestly felt that he wasn't attending to each point I was making.

It felt a little like this.

So for me to submit, I feel like it's important to know that my points are being heard and considered. Despite feeling as though I was not heard, I felt that if I really want to continue down this DD/Ds path, that I had to submit even though I thought my HOH was making a mistake. This is NOT easy. I gave way and let him have his way and missed out on something that was very important to me. Later in a discussion with him, when my suspicion was confirmed that he had not heard the major point that would've changed his decision, I struggled with bitterness. I also felt a lack of empathy coming from him and felt left alone to grieve. None of this is really okay. But he's not perfect and he's going to make mistakes in this just as I do. So if I expect him to get over my mistakes (hello, whacking him with an implement), then I have to forgive him when I'm let down by his leadership and decisions. 

It took me awhile to get into the right head space to write this post. We've since made peace with one another, although I have let him know that when this opportunity arises next year, I fully plan to take advantage of it and hope that he is supportive. I'm hoping that since I chose to submit in this case, he will bear that in mind. I hope that I've written this post in a way that's conveyed my emotional struggle, but also been respectful towards my husband. It can be a struggle to walk that line at times.

************Well, I've decided to edit because I'm feeling that it's impossible to have a discussion about this without more information being given. I will continue to try to walk that line of being respectful and conveying the situation honestly. I became a runner a year and a half ago. I'm at the highest weight I've ever been. I'm down 30 pounds from that, but I have roughly 70 more to go. I hate hate hate being this overweight. In the past year I've run a 5k, two 7 mile races, and a half marathon. I was supposed to run an obstacle race this last weekend. We have two vehicles - only one of which is reliable enough to go out of town. That vehicle broke down. So unlucky me had no way to my race that I'd signed up for months ago. I only had one other person on my team and she lives at the race location - an hour away. I resolved not to mope around and to have a good weekend in spite of it. I learned that my brother and SIL needed childcare in order to go out of town for the weekend. So I volunteered thinking it would get my mind off of it. In the meantime, after I'd volunteered, someone offered to let me use their vehicle to go to my race. It was out of the blue and unexpected and a generous offer. It was from people that we've known for awhile, but are not very personal with if that makes any sense. So I wasn't sure how I'd feel about borrowing their vehicle and  I'd already made a promise to watch my brother's kiddos. I would never back out on someone like that. Then, my brother and SIL informed me that they changed their mind and decided not to go out of town. They no longer needed childcare and wanted to know if I still wanted the kiddos to stay that weekend or if I wanted to take their vehicle to my race the following day and watch their kiddos a different weekend. All of the kiddos would have been disappointed, but as long as we rescheduled, they would all be okay with it. So I presented all of this information to Tom via online messages as he was at work that day. My thought was that yes, it sucks for the kiddos to have to reschedule, but I also committed months ago to doing this race with a friend. It was one thing when I had no way to get  there and it's out of my control. It's quite another when that's not the case. So I ended up referring my friend to another team I knew doing the race in her town - a team where she didn't know anybody - what an awful situation to put somebody in. I was okay with it when I had no choice and no way to get there, but once I had a way there this felt completely wrong and disloyal to me to ditch her like that. But Tom was sticking to his guns that I shouldn't go. We should just go ahead and have the kiddos and get it over with because he didn't want me to reschedule for a different weekend. He had plans to study for a test (he's a full-time student right now) and he didn't want that getting in the way. However, I had plans to arrange childcare for our kiddos the entire time I was racing, so I wasn't going to leave him high and dry. Anyways, after continuing to get a no answer from him, even after he came home and I mentioned verbally (I'd already told him in writing via online message) that my brother and SIL offered their vehicle, he told me no he wasn't okay with my going. So, since I've committed to this dynamic in our relationship, I've submit despite how much it sucked. Come to find out later that night after the kiddos are already there and it's definitely too late to change anything, he tells me he didn't realize that my brother and SIL were going to let me use their vehicle. He thought I was planning on taking the other people's vehicle and that's why he wasn't comfortable with it. He would've been fine with my going. It's a classic case of he thought he knew what my argument was, so rather than read and listen fully to what I had to say he skimmed and missed important information.

I can't even begin to communicate how let down I am. I've forgiven him, but that doesn't mean I'm over the disappointment. I know I've forgiven because we've had loving interactions since then and trust me when I say I'm not the type to just be loving anyways if I haven't forgiven. But everytime I log into a certain social media site and see all of the pics of the girls hugging mud stained with that "proud as can be I conquered the world smile" on their faces, my disappointment comes up again in a fresh new wave. That will only heal with time. Now I was able to accept this a bit easier for a couple of reasons. I've been battling exhaustion and my training has not been what I wanted it to be. However, if I had been training hardcore for this for weeks on end and he last minute told me I wasn't allowed to go, I'd say screw it and accept my discipline when I got back. I work 60-72 hours a week supporting him so he can go to school. I homeschool our kiddo. And we live in constant financial stress. So if this is my way of blowing off steam, relieving stress, getting healthy, and having some fun through such a difficult time in our lives, I don't understand why he would keep that from me. And that's why I said what I did about this needing to be different when this comes up next year. If I've been consistently busting my butt to train and once again committed to meeting up with others, I'm not ditching a second time. After all, I don't want to lose my fit friends. And I don't want to feel robbed again of the sweet victory that is crossing a finish line after months of hard work and training.

I don't know when I've had a race that he didn't try to stop me at the last minute. For some reason he thinks it's incredibly inconvenient to him for me to go run a race and leave him alone for the day. Three months ago we had a similar situation. We were not in a DD relationship at the time. I'd trained well for my 7 mile race and he pitched a fit because he didn't want me to go. His reasoning - we don't have the gas money. I manage the finances and I know what we have. I went. He came with the kiddos and supported me. But it was only after we raked each other over the coals for three days straight. I didn't want to go through that this time and look where it got me. I love him and want to submit, but I'm not going to let him take away the one thing in my life that is not about him or about the kiddos.

And this is why I didn't want to fill in the specifics because I knew the tone would start to turn venomous. I'm trying not to dear readers. Please give me the benefit of the doubt on that. The reality is someone reading this may think "Wow. She's not submissive at all!" Well, I say people can think what they want to. I used to run the show and make all of the decisions and I'm tired of being in that role. Since starting DD/Ds our marriage has improved by leaps and bounds. I am very sure that divorce was only a matter of time before finding this. But that doesn't mean it's going to look perfect. And our DD/Ds relationship is not going to look like other people's. In our relationship I will absolutely express my opinion. He does have final say - as he clearly did in this situation despite how I felt about it. But I don't see expressing my opinion as topping from the bottom. Neither Tom nor I are interested in a relationship where I don't state my opinion. We've discussed this. That might work for other people, but not for me. Now there are times where he doesn't want to hear my opinion and that's a different matter. I will try to express my opinion in a way that's disrespectful to him. But especially on those issues that I am most passionate about, such as this one, I will express it whether he wants to hear it or not.

So anyways, there you go. That's the whole story as best I can relay it. I hope that it's not too much of a rant, which I did not want to do.*********************************