Wednesday, October 2, 2013

When Submission Hurts

I knew the day would come that submission wouldn't be easy, when something I felt extremely passionate about would be inadvertently trampled by my HOH's passion in an opposite direction. And since I've agreed in advance to submit to his decisions, I would have to follow through and do just that. That day finally came - last Friday and Saturday to be exact. I've wanted to write about the situation, examine it, and get my feelings out ever since. But every time I tried, the words that came to my head continued to plead my case and list all of the reasons that I believe my HOH was wrong. I promised myself when I began my blog that I would not use this as a place to bash Tom. So I've realized that because this topic is so sensitive to me, I just can't go into the specifics. I can only say that we had a huge difference of opinion on something that affected me personally, as well as a friend of mine.

What upset me the most about the situation is that I didn't feel listened to. Because of our schedules that day, most of my pleading of my case was done via online messages. At one point he said (typed), "Well, you're just going to do what you want to do anyways. You always do. So why are we still talking about this?" That hurt because I really was trying to submit, but I never agreed not to express my opinion and I at least want to feel heard. I honestly felt that he wasn't attending to each point I was making.

It felt a little like this.

So for me to submit, I feel like it's important to know that my points are being heard and considered. Despite feeling as though I was not heard, I felt that if I really want to continue down this DD/Ds path, that I had to submit even though I thought my HOH was making a mistake. This is NOT easy. I gave way and let him have his way and missed out on something that was very important to me. Later in a discussion with him, when my suspicion was confirmed that he had not heard the major point that would've changed his decision, I struggled with bitterness. I also felt a lack of empathy coming from him and felt left alone to grieve. None of this is really okay. But he's not perfect and he's going to make mistakes in this just as I do. So if I expect him to get over my mistakes (hello, whacking him with an implement), then I have to forgive him when I'm let down by his leadership and decisions. 

It took me awhile to get into the right head space to write this post. We've since made peace with one another, although I have let him know that when this opportunity arises next year, I fully plan to take advantage of it and hope that he is supportive. I'm hoping that since I chose to submit in this case, he will bear that in mind. I hope that I've written this post in a way that's conveyed my emotional struggle, but also been respectful towards my husband. It can be a struggle to walk that line at times.

************Well, I've decided to edit because I'm feeling that it's impossible to have a discussion about this without more information being given. I will continue to try to walk that line of being respectful and conveying the situation honestly. I became a runner a year and a half ago. I'm at the highest weight I've ever been. I'm down 30 pounds from that, but I have roughly 70 more to go. I hate hate hate being this overweight. In the past year I've run a 5k, two 7 mile races, and a half marathon. I was supposed to run an obstacle race this last weekend. We have two vehicles - only one of which is reliable enough to go out of town. That vehicle broke down. So unlucky me had no way to my race that I'd signed up for months ago. I only had one other person on my team and she lives at the race location - an hour away. I resolved not to mope around and to have a good weekend in spite of it. I learned that my brother and SIL needed childcare in order to go out of town for the weekend. So I volunteered thinking it would get my mind off of it. In the meantime, after I'd volunteered, someone offered to let me use their vehicle to go to my race. It was out of the blue and unexpected and a generous offer. It was from people that we've known for awhile, but are not very personal with if that makes any sense. So I wasn't sure how I'd feel about borrowing their vehicle and  I'd already made a promise to watch my brother's kiddos. I would never back out on someone like that. Then, my brother and SIL informed me that they changed their mind and decided not to go out of town. They no longer needed childcare and wanted to know if I still wanted the kiddos to stay that weekend or if I wanted to take their vehicle to my race the following day and watch their kiddos a different weekend. All of the kiddos would have been disappointed, but as long as we rescheduled, they would all be okay with it. So I presented all of this information to Tom via online messages as he was at work that day. My thought was that yes, it sucks for the kiddos to have to reschedule, but I also committed months ago to doing this race with a friend. It was one thing when I had no way to get  there and it's out of my control. It's quite another when that's not the case. So I ended up referring my friend to another team I knew doing the race in her town - a team where she didn't know anybody - what an awful situation to put somebody in. I was okay with it when I had no choice and no way to get there, but once I had a way there this felt completely wrong and disloyal to me to ditch her like that. But Tom was sticking to his guns that I shouldn't go. We should just go ahead and have the kiddos and get it over with because he didn't want me to reschedule for a different weekend. He had plans to study for a test (he's a full-time student right now) and he didn't want that getting in the way. However, I had plans to arrange childcare for our kiddos the entire time I was racing, so I wasn't going to leave him high and dry. Anyways, after continuing to get a no answer from him, even after he came home and I mentioned verbally (I'd already told him in writing via online message) that my brother and SIL offered their vehicle, he told me no he wasn't okay with my going. So, since I've committed to this dynamic in our relationship, I've submit despite how much it sucked. Come to find out later that night after the kiddos are already there and it's definitely too late to change anything, he tells me he didn't realize that my brother and SIL were going to let me use their vehicle. He thought I was planning on taking the other people's vehicle and that's why he wasn't comfortable with it. He would've been fine with my going. It's a classic case of he thought he knew what my argument was, so rather than read and listen fully to what I had to say he skimmed and missed important information.

I can't even begin to communicate how let down I am. I've forgiven him, but that doesn't mean I'm over the disappointment. I know I've forgiven because we've had loving interactions since then and trust me when I say I'm not the type to just be loving anyways if I haven't forgiven. But everytime I log into a certain social media site and see all of the pics of the girls hugging mud stained with that "proud as can be I conquered the world smile" on their faces, my disappointment comes up again in a fresh new wave. That will only heal with time. Now I was able to accept this a bit easier for a couple of reasons. I've been battling exhaustion and my training has not been what I wanted it to be. However, if I had been training hardcore for this for weeks on end and he last minute told me I wasn't allowed to go, I'd say screw it and accept my discipline when I got back. I work 60-72 hours a week supporting him so he can go to school. I homeschool our kiddo. And we live in constant financial stress. So if this is my way of blowing off steam, relieving stress, getting healthy, and having some fun through such a difficult time in our lives, I don't understand why he would keep that from me. And that's why I said what I did about this needing to be different when this comes up next year. If I've been consistently busting my butt to train and once again committed to meeting up with others, I'm not ditching a second time. After all, I don't want to lose my fit friends. And I don't want to feel robbed again of the sweet victory that is crossing a finish line after months of hard work and training.

I don't know when I've had a race that he didn't try to stop me at the last minute. For some reason he thinks it's incredibly inconvenient to him for me to go run a race and leave him alone for the day. Three months ago we had a similar situation. We were not in a DD relationship at the time. I'd trained well for my 7 mile race and he pitched a fit because he didn't want me to go. His reasoning - we don't have the gas money. I manage the finances and I know what we have. I went. He came with the kiddos and supported me. But it was only after we raked each other over the coals for three days straight. I didn't want to go through that this time and look where it got me. I love him and want to submit, but I'm not going to let him take away the one thing in my life that is not about him or about the kiddos.

And this is why I didn't want to fill in the specifics because I knew the tone would start to turn venomous. I'm trying not to dear readers. Please give me the benefit of the doubt on that. The reality is someone reading this may think "Wow. She's not submissive at all!" Well, I say people can think what they want to. I used to run the show and make all of the decisions and I'm tired of being in that role. Since starting DD/Ds our marriage has improved by leaps and bounds. I am very sure that divorce was only a matter of time before finding this. But that doesn't mean it's going to look perfect. And our DD/Ds relationship is not going to look like other people's. In our relationship I will absolutely express my opinion. He does have final say - as he clearly did in this situation despite how I felt about it. But I don't see expressing my opinion as topping from the bottom. Neither Tom nor I are interested in a relationship where I don't state my opinion. We've discussed this. That might work for other people, but not for me. Now there are times where he doesn't want to hear my opinion and that's a different matter. I will try to express my opinion in a way that's disrespectful to him. But especially on those issues that I am most passionate about, such as this one, I will express it whether he wants to hear it or not.

So anyways, there you go. That's the whole story as best I can relay it. I hope that it's not too much of a rant, which I did not want to do.*********************************


  1. Here's the thing..( feel free to roll your eyes and grab a comfy chair.LOL.)..Most of us, are in a ttwd relationship. Expressing your disappointment in your husbands actions or words, is not ( IMHO ) disrespectful. It is truthful. Sometimes the truth stings...Okay MOST times it does. If you can write your post and know in your heart that what you are recounting is the truth, that isn't disrespectful. We know that you are merely sharing a snap shot of a day in your life...Not even the entire day. We all do this. We know enough not to judge your husband as a whole based on the way a post is written. Or at least we should.

    I understand it is a difficult concept to grasp when you first start out blogging. If my husband comes off looking 'bad' in this post am I not bashing him? No. I wouldn't say so. There have been times when Barney has been upset with my posts. But not because he felt attacked, " Well what can I say? I did say those things. It doesn't make it easy to read in print".

    HOWEVER, don't ever feel pressure to share more than you are comfortable with. I can tell you, just based on my own experiences, that the more I am willing to share, the more clarity I have within myself. That isn't everyone's cup of tea however.

    Now on to this post. Sounds to me like you still haven't worked it through in you. *"We've since made peace with one another, although I have let him know that when this opportunity arises next year, I** fully plan to take advantage of it **and hope that he is supportive"* Of course that is difficult to comment on as I don't really know what I am commenting on! LOL. This next sentence could be WAY off base, and isn't meant to anger or hurt in anyway~ be careful about keeping score. "I'm hoping that since I chose to submit in this case, he will bear that in mind" because that is where issues will arise. Unfortunately this life we have chosen doesn't bring fairness into it.

    In time hopefully you can forgive him, or move on, more than just making peace. I have made peace so many times, and I know that at our house it usually is just a sign that I will feel the hurt again down the line. Each of us has to figure out our own way of moving past these types of things.

    Again I could be way off base. You two could be running hand and hand through a field of daisies right now...loving and laughing like a couple of hippies. I can only talk about what I have experienced ;)


    1. i thought all TTWD couples are constantly running through fields of daisies, hand in hand. LOL j/k!

      "Expressing your disappointment in your husbands actions or words, is not ( IMHO ) disrespectful." .... so agree...... now, calling him an imbecile, stupid, etc is definitely disrespectful.

    2. Well, I've edited the post. Just wanted to let you know. I think it's too hard to have a discussion about this without the details.

    3. Haha. I wouldn't say we're running through daisy fields just yet. But I have no choice but to make peace with it and move on. As I mentioned in the update, every time I see a new picture posted of before/after race or comments about during, I want to run from the room sobbing. I can't just not look because I want to support my friends and I'm genuinely happy for them. I just still feel very much that I should've been there.

    4. Okay then...TAKE TWO***

      First off, I don't know one single woman in the corner of blogland where I 'hangout' who doesn't or isn't allowed to speak her mind to her husband. So don't think that we are going to find you unsubmissive. And truthfully you did the most submissive thing I think I have 'witnessed' this past weekend!

      What happened at your house has happened time, and time and TIME again at ours. IT has only begun to change more noticeably in the last month or so and we have been at ttwd for a year now. Barney hears but doesn't listen. Sometimes I thought he was thinking about other things, or his next argument. I am not sure. But what I do know is just like your training for your races, your husband and you have to train in communication. He and you both. If he isn't hearing you the way you think, you need to come up with another way ( sucks that we are so different, the sexes I mean). Fear not, that different way may very well be AFTER the fact like now. For me I would not only pour my heart out how missing made you feel...ALL of it, ( or ask him to read here) but also how him not hearing all the details made you feel.
      Barney has heard from me so often in this past year, that I just didn't seem to matter to him, or that was the message at least I was getting when he would 'forget' or not 'hear' details. I think I have often mentioned things about football stat memories. Yeah, he was angry about that for a while, mostly at himself. I know he, like your husband, has many things and pressures on his mind, but it is important for EVERYONE to feel important in your home.

      Chances are your husband, will be just as upset to know this is how you are receiving his actions. It doesn't mean that is how he intended them. There often seems to be a disconnect between spouses with communication, especially ones who are as busy as the two of you.

      Now that being said, I am not saying BLAST him! LOL. And I am also sadly saying it won't happen again. All of this is so new and fresh, it is important to remember that it takes a long time to learn new things~ communicating effectively is perhaps the biggest hurdle.

      In a book I am reading, the man makes a comment about women being communicators, that is our 'thing' , we shouldn't stop that. It is our strength and in ttwd or not, you bring your strength to your relationship. It isn't topping from the bottom. It is helping you move towards your goal. You aren't TELLING him how to communicate, you are offering him your perspective.


      Good luck. This stuff takes a while, and as Zoe or someone said, it isn't for Sissies!


    5. Oh I forgot to mention, if it were ME, ( and don't follow this if it isn't you) I would mention to my husband that most of this could have been avoided if he had honestly said to me that he wasn't comfortable in me taking the neighbour's vehicle. It is difficult for both parties to own up to their feelings and communicate them. I mean Barney would most likely feel that he isn't a good provider for our family if our car couldn't take me somewhere I desperately wanted to go and I relied on our neighbours. Family is different. Perhaps your husband felt this too. ( Note I am NOT saying they SHOULD feel that, but maybe you could have a heart to heart about this ? )

  2. rose ... first off... *HUGS* lots of hugs to you!

    You are right, submission does hurt. So, i see a lot going on with this post. Of course, what i am saying definitely is because of how i see it, what i have experienced, have researched, etc., in regards to submission.

    my first suggestion, redefine what you feel is submission and what is HOH, etc. i realize you tried to get the answer changed from no to yes, because you felt no matter what you were right. That is sort of topping from bottom. Especially with you stating that next year, you fully plan on taking advantage, etc. It is almost as if you expect that if you submit in one instance, you should have to in another instance. i am not saying this is true, just what i read.

    You definitely need to let your HOH know what you need, but make sure it is a need and not a want. If you are giving him full power, is it that important he listens to every opinion or point? Again, I don't know the answer, I am not living in your situation.

    It seems this incident is a very good learning tool for both of you. One for you to see how He feels as HOH with your submission and one for you to see yourself with your submission. Maybe that would be a good conversation between you two? Maybe it would give you more insight on the areas He feels you need that "extra" guidance in order to get to the point you want to get with the submission.

    You do feel like He made the wrong decision, so you feel hurt and let down.

    Can i post a question? (Of course, for you to answer to yourself). You mention that later while discussing it more, He did confirm if He knew that additional piece He would have changed His answer to the one you wanted. So, you definitely feel He made the wrong decision.

    If that conversation did not occur, would you still be feeling the same way about Him making the wrong decision? If so, are you going to feel that way every time He decides (because as of HOH it is ultimately His decision) not to listen to every opinion, every bullet point, every loop hole so that you get the answer you want? If the answer is yes, again, defining submission to you and Him may help prevent any further hurt.

    i wish you the best, and you did a great job here of relaying how you felt about your role in this manner, and not necessarily His except His final decision.

    *HUGS* again. This shit is hard, there is no lie about it. We are all still human, still have our minds that think this way or that way, falter at times, etc. It is taking those moments has learning opportunities to strengthen ourselves and our submission.

    1. I've edited this post. I think it's just too hard to have a discussion about this without the details.

    2. I do feel like he made the wrong decision. I would feel that way even if the conversation hadn't occured. Since starting DD/Ds he has made some decisions that I'm not entirely on board with (I would've done differently had it been my decision), but in the grand scheme of things it was okay with me just to say okay and move on. Sometimes I figure out he was right and there's been some where I still think my way might have been better. But the fact that I can't remember what exactly those situations were tells me that I've moved on. This affected me deeply and personally and while I will forgive, this isn't something that I will just forget. I'm very very hurt that I wasn't there. Personally, and this is just us because I know every couple is different, but if I have different information than he does and I share that information as an attempt to get him to change his mind I don't really see that as topping from the bottom. I'm human and I'm going to feel very strongly and passionately about certain things. It would feel robotic to me to accept something without question that I obviously have such strong feelings on. That being said, I see it as a HUGE accomplishment for me that I was able to stay calm and collected. I was upset. But I did not disrespect him during our debate. That is a huge step for me and for our relationship!

  3. Well done Rose!

    These situations are exactly what test our mettle - and they are definitely hard. I respect you so much for how you approached writing this post. You kept yourself from bashing your hubby or getting the gals to support you on your side (something we are all guilty of in the past, right?) But you fought hard to truly submit to your husband EVEN in your head - which is the hardest place to win sometimes. I'm sure that will speak volumes to him about how he listens to you and makes decisions in the future.

    And I know how hard it is to fight off that bitterness that wants to creep in - but keep turning your eyes forward and don't look back anymore. Whenever something like this has happened to me, I try to think of it as 'divine intervention' - meaning that even though I felt that my hubby made an uninformed or unfair decision, God ultimately is in control, and He must not have wanted me to do that or go there. (I even tell myself that maybe there would have been a bad accident or an unforeseen bad experience that He just saved me from) It helps my attitude and helps me to let go of it if I look at it that way. :)

    Anyway, I have a big smile and a big hug for you on this. And I hope that you see the rewards of your submission soon!

    ♥ Cali

    1. Well, I've edited this post. I think it's too hard to have a discussion without the details.

    2. Thanks Cali. I don't know if you'll still feel that way about my writing after reading the update. But you are right I not only debated with my husband but I had to fight myself in order to submit. Three months ago I would've gone without his wishes without a second thought.

    3. Thank you for sharing more, And yes, I still feel the way I did for you. We wives and mothers can often put our needs, or let our needs be put last after all the family - and it shows in our well being. Both our emotional well being and our physical well being. We sometimes have to fight for the right to to do things for ourselves - and when we don't get the support that we need from home, we can definitely feel cheated.

      I have had to talk with my hubby about things like this many times - and as long as it's away from the emotions of the situation, he does listen and he tries harder to hear me in the future.

      But I also understand your determination to not let anything get in the way next time. I've done that too, and when it's been on behalf of a friend in need, or my own need (not want), then I feel justified in making my own decision on the matter. But still with a lot of talking with hubby.

      I hope that you both can be doing a lot of talking about this, and that he can see how important this is for you both emotionally and physically, and will put your needs above his own.

      And just because we don't forget a disappointment like this, doesn't mean we haven't forgiven them. When I read the addition to your post, I had a strong emotions from a memory of something similar, but I know that I've forgiven my hubby because there was no bitterness there at all.

      It's a lot to work through, I know. But you took a giant step in the right direction - and hopefully with some more talking, it'll go in your favor next time.


  4. (((hugs))) Way to go on submitting despite how much it hurt.

    I think there's a huge amount of trust involved in TTWD. Them trusting us to submit and us trusting them to make the best decisions. It sounds like he let you down by not taking your thoughts into consideration, and you're struggling to get back some of that trust.

    I know you said you made peace, but did you get a chance to talk about how to handle this better in the future so you do feel like you're being heard? Sometimes when I feel like my husband's not listening, I'll put all my thoughts in an e-mail to him because I do better writing them out all at once. He also has me phrase my thoughts more question-like or feeling-like. Like "What do you think about...?" or "I feel..." because to him it doesn't come across like I'm trying to top him/change his mind, but rather just share my POV.

    Keep communicating. Moments like these are great opportunities to learn and grow stronger.


    1. I've edited the post. I think it's too hard to discuss without the details!

    2. I think you hit the nail on the head a bit. I do feel like my trust was shattered a bit. I guess we're even now - not that it was his intention to do that. I smacked him with an implement last weekend and shattered his trust in the process. He kept me from a very personal and important event that meant a lot to me and he shattered my trust. I don't know, we're so new to this dynamic. Maybe these things needed to happen in order for us to both grow the way that we need to. As far as discussing my feelings on the matter, I have let him know how disappointed I am. I think after a few days it finally sunk in and he feels badly about my feelings on it. But he would view my continuing to discuss my feelings as being unforgiving and not moving on.

    3. Oh Rose. I can see how much that would hurt. Especially since it was something so important to you and caused by such a small miscommunication.

      It sounds like he feels bad, and I can understand not wanting to keep dragging it out with him, but did you get a chance to understand why he missed the info? It sounds to me like it may have been a crazy day for both of you and an oversight on his part. And I'm also guessing that at any point if he had said 'No, I'm not comfortable with you going and driving the other person's vehicle', it would've given you a chance to clarify that you wouldn't be using the other person's vehicle and this would've never happened.

      If you haven't already, maybe it would help to understand why it happened and ways it could be avoided in the future. Maybe something like if things get chaotic like that again, he explains more as to why he's saying 'no'? For me, having a plan in place to prevent something from happening again seems to have helped towards rebuilding the trust.

      And don't think of it as 'getting even', but more like growing together. You definitely learned from your incident as demonstrated here by choosing to submit to him even though it hurt so much. And I imagine he's learning here too.

      Hang in there!


  5. Rose,
    I have just recently found your blog. Welcome!
    When Jack and I began, I promised to submit. It was a giant leap of faith for me and I tirusted his love for me. He promised two things: a spanking would sting my backside, but he would never hurt me. So be began. My voice is heard, but if he thinks a spanking in necessary, he lsitens and then spanks. I feel I am being heard. I agreed to submit and he agreed to spank. It is working well for us five months in.

  6. Hi Meredith. Welcome to my blog! It truly is such a leap of faith. I'm so glad that things are working well for you. We're only a month or so in. At some point I guess I should look back and see, so I know exactly!

  7. WOW Rose! Kudos to you for submitting when you weren't feeling it. I don't know if I could have done it. I think for me, if I would have submitted I think I would have had some resentment. I'm not sure exactly how I would have handled it.

    I really have no advice for you just support. All of the girls here have given some great advice and I hope that you will get past it and be able to move on peacefully. Hugs to you!

    Subrina <3

  8. okay, my take two (sorry, phone didn't let me reply under original). obviously, my original post was based off the little information provided. Now that you have editted, updated, etc. i can see why you are upset and that you absolutely submitted the best way. The issue, as Wilma stated, is communication.

    yes. He should always read or listen to what you say, as in most cases that is the only way to make a sound decision. It sounds like you are a lot like me-verbose? at least with all the online messages. it is very common when reading to skim, as our brains can usually get the "gist" of the reading, but yes, do sometimes miss the important stuff. If I may suggest, for next time, etc, cut down on the filler words. Also give a statement that will make him stop and all for clarification. like "Brother & SIL said I could use their vehicle", before stating they cancelled their plans. The communication needs to change between the two of you and it may have to be you that changes your approach. (hope that doesn't sound mean, etc) because of my verbose ways, I learned quickly with Sir that I had to find ways to cut it down so that what I needed him to know was read and thought about.

    hugs .....

    good job on the running. that is awesome.

  9. It can be so hard to submit when you really don't want to. I'm sorry that you were, and are so hurt. {{{HUGS}}} I don't think it shows a lack of submission. I think you're like any one of us would be. You've been working hard, and this means a lot to you, and to your health. You just want him to listen, and be supportive of you in this. I think we all would want the same thing. Being submissive isn't about having no opinion, it's about bowing down your wishes when asked to, despite how you think and feel. I think you were very submissive in this. {{{HUGS}}}

  10. Forgive me, I am new to your Blog (this is the first post Ive read of yours) so don't know your dynamic and truly how well established you are yet as a D/s DD couple?
    Anyway, submission is a special thing, it means giving so many of your decisions and choices for someone else to make them for you. it means trusting someone to know what is best for you, even when you know there comes the risk they may not, one day. Seems that one day arrived for you and I am sorry you are feeling hurt.
    REmember, being a submissive woman does not distract from who you are, you are still human (a bloody important one too!) and your opinions and thoughts ALWAYS matter. He should have read your messages better, clarified with you the actual situations before acting upon them - he didn't, that was his failure. Unfortunately, this happens sometimes. You make a mistake, he makes one, you make one... these mishaps will always occur in a relationship, they are to be forgiven - it does not mean you have to always be OK with it. Especially so soon.
    Also, never feel bad for expressing your feelings on your blog, or writing the specifics. Anyone who reads can see this isn't a nasty post as such - just one that lets out all your emotion. Your other half will also understand this. When you make a mistake, there are ways to 'correct' that afterward. When he slips up, you can come break away to write about it. Its good to get it out of your system.

    Well done on your weight loss, your running and your fabulous ability to homeschool and try so hard with everything. I look forward to visiting your Blog more often. x

  11. Wow, I think you did amazingly well at your submission. YOU gave HIM the benefit of the doubt by submitting. Now you both have all the details. There is nothing wrong with making a choice to do things a different way in the future...especially one made so far in advance. No one ever said submission is easy. Oh boy it is not! Following an imperfect leader is HARD. And ALL of our leaders are imperfect. There is no such thing as a perfect human being. You did great! I'm sorry that this has been such a bitter time for you. I understand that it is a bitter pill to swallow. Trust me, as hard as this has been to get through, it is a huge mile stone. These are the hurdles that we lead in DD that help us to grow. We all have them. No one, no matter how it seems on their blogs or anything else, has a perfect DD life. We all have ginormous hurdles to clear. That is all part of the journey. It is an important part. With each hurdle we grow stronger and go just a little bit deeper or we discover important things about ourselves. Either way, I'm sure that is what this situation has done for you. Even in a DD relationship you still have to take care of yourself. I truly believe that is what you are doing with running. I think the way you navigated this situation is exactly how you should have (not that I believe in should's.) No one said that you can't have feelings. It's perfectly healthy and safe to release those feelings in an environment where you can get support for yourself and with those who understand your dynamic. {{Hugs}}