Tuesday, January 13, 2015

MIA Since September And Where Are We With DD???

Once again, I sincerely haven't meant to fall off the face of this earth. It just kind of happened. I feel that there have been so many things keeping me from this lovely community of supportive DD/Ds participants.

My business has closed. I would've thought I would've been on my blog the next day with a big "Woohoo!" and "Let's celebrate!" type of posting. But the reality is that I went straight from struggling through the last few months of my business to throwing myself into attempts to transform a daycare home into a home that suits our needs. I spent my time going through massive amounts of toys, excessive amounts of children's books, and many personal items that were simply shoved around daycare items into spare nooks and crannies in the house. In other words, four years of daycare in this house meant that the house was full of hidden chaos and disorganization. It still is. Four years worth of shoving our belongings to the side is not fixed in a few months. But it's a lot better and we're a lot more functional.

I also decided that the eighth and ninth month of pregnancy was a lovely time to sew a bunch of handmade Christmas gifts. Do you see how logical I am? So in addition to attempting to get the house ready and struggling with the exhaustion that late pregnancy brings, I also sewed my butt off. The funny thing is that I'm not done, but part of my family will be having Christmas in February, so those gifts will be sewn after baby is born as I refuse to do another ounce of sewing in my pregnant state. There's something about sitting there in the same position at the sewing machine for hours at a time that makes it hard for me to walk for the next few days. It's not pleasant at all! I was so happy to get handmade things made for my kiddos though! I'm sad that Captain's gift still did not get done. But such is life. He will either get it late or get it for next Christmas!

And yes, I'm still pregnant. In my tenth month of pregnancy to be exact. I carried my second child into my 42nd week of pregnancy before he decided to come out and meet the world. This one is following that same path. So birthing will occur literally any minute now and we can't wait to meet our little one.

Now this all has nothing to do with DD, but I just wanted you to hear all of the personal things that have kept my time. I will share another thing that has kept me away. I've really really struggled with DD throughout this pregnancy. Early on I was disappointed that Captain "wasn't stepping up" as I saw it. And then I was mad when he did! I don't know. I feel like something switched in my pregnant and hormonal brain. Emotionally it seems that I just can't handle being spanked while pregnant. I just couldn't get in the right frame of mind to be okay with it. And it wasn't about fear of harming baby or anything as I have no doubt baby would've been fine and Captain was only doing very light spankings anyways as he is one to be very cautious about such things. It was more that the dynamic itself was getting to me. I even told him that I can't do this right now. And I feel bad for him. I know that I'm frustrating him. He feels that we start to go down the DD path again and then I dig my heels in and say, "That's it. I can't do this!" And I know that I do. There are the juicy moments of DD where it's easy to go along for the ride and feel turned on by the dynamic itself. Then there's the "in the trenches" times in DD where I don't like anything going on. I don't like DD. I don't like punishment. I don't like not having a say in things that I feel are damn worthy of my say. And I don't like Captain in those moments. I realize this all sounds very spoiled and it likely is. I don't know how to fix this about myself.

So, is DD for us? I don't know. I feel that DD shines a very large and clear mirror on a relationship. The faults become faultier. And the good things have the potential to be so fantastic that it unlocks relationship possibilities that would never have been dreamt of prior to DD.

So what's bad about us? We can't communicate for shit. There. I will just say it plainly. We have a hard time disagreeing in a manner that is loving or respectful...both of us. Opinions escalate and that turns into name calling and threats to end the relationship and other nonsense. The reality is that we are best friends and we do love each other. So I don't understand why it's so incredibly difficult for us to come to a discussion with different opinions and discuss those opinions amicably. The thing is, even with DD, I want to have my say. Now I realize that DD means being willing to give up having my way, but when it's something very important to me, I feel I should at least get to have my say before a final decision is made. Right or wrong, this is the sort of flavor of DD that makes sense to me. And to be honest, my husband wouldn't want a relationship where he's not challenged with my differing opinion on various matters. I know this to be true because he tells me this and he likes my fire and spirit. He does want me to go along with his final decision on things, but he doesn't want a Stepford wife wherein I never have any differing opinions. So this is a struggle for us. How do we find that balance where we can debate our feelings on various issues without it crossing the line that takes us into dysfunctional communication? We've done counseling in the past and I don't know whether we haven't found the right counselor or the right approach, but it hasn't been helpful for us. In fact, we felt that the money we spent on co-pays for the counseling was better spent on date nights where we could connect and have fun. Sadly, finances this past year have been terrible and so date nights are very few and far between. I do think our communication improves when we're able to get out and connect more.

What else is bad? This relates back to communication, but it seems there's a basic lack of love and respect. If you've heard of the men need respect and women need love ideas, then you will understand what I'm referring to here. The one thing that's part of this whole idea is that women are naturally wired to give love, so they don't have to work at that so much with their partners. And men are naturally wired to give respect, so they don't have to work at that as much. Well, there is so much yuck in our relationship that not only are we not giving the other partner their primary need, be it love or respect, but we're not even good at giving the secondary need that should be easier and more natural for us to give by default! So both respect and love are not being given or received by either party. I'm not saying never. As I said in the prior paragraph, we are best friends and we do love each other. But on a day to day basis, there are constant little instances where both love and respect are neglected. This is no foundation for DD because continual lack of love and respect by both parties erodes trust. Trust is essential for DD!

So this sounds pretty desperate and hopeless, huh? But there is good. We both love to laugh and have a good time. We connect over some of the same silly movies and comedians. We are both artists in some sense or another. We love to create and imagine. We both like to dream and have big ideas for our lives and where we'd like to see our family in a few years. We are both resilient and determined, not personality types to give up on something. This fortitude has been wonderful in our marriage. We have been through so much together - financial distress, unexpected job loss, vehicle repossession, miscarriage, infertility (for a time), multiple moves, full-time school for one of us, a home based business (the kind that takes over a home), struggling to buy food some months, lack of reliable vehicles, illness, etc...And guess what? We still believe in life. We believe in something good around the next bend. We believe that hard work and determination will create a better life, even if it's like the movie "Shawshank Redemption" where one must crawl through an awful lot of shit first. And guess what? We're in the shit. We've been in it for the last seven years or so. The water has gotten slightly less shitty, but there's still more to go through before we can come out the other side. But we are at a point where we can at least glimpse the other side from time to time. But let me tell you, this constant wading and struggling to hold onto that light at the end of the shit is HARD on a marriage. Any marriage - be it egalitarian, 50's style, DD, etc...

So where does this leave us with DD? Well, hubby told me the other day that he wants to return to DD. And I said I'd love to discuss that with him, but I really need time. I'll be honest. I don't want to struggle with the DD side of things while I'm working through postpartum recovery and all of the physical healing as well as emotional and mental adjustment to a new normal. I feel like it would be one more thing that would stress me out. And honestly I just want to be during that time. I want to rest, nurse my new baby, help my older kiddos adjust to the new baby, lean on Captain and be proud of him as he supports the family while I heal. What I don't want to do is obsess over where we're at with DD, what the current balance of power in our relationship is, and how should I have been more submissive today? Not while I'm healing. I just don't think I have it in me. And I know plenty of my readers do and you are BETTER women than I - truly!

I do want to return to DD. But I also feel nervous about it. My husband loves me and my family and wants the best for us. I have no doubt of that! But I also feel that sometimes his decisions are made from what is convenient and easier for him and not truly from a place of taking an honest look at my needs. Now I don't say that to bash Captain. I am just saying that's how I feel, whether that's a true assessment or not I can't say. I can only say that's how I perceive things. And this goes back to communication I know. We've never done regular check-ins or dates to discuss DD and how we think it's going and I feel without this level of communicating constantly along the way, I just can't commit to this. I can't give a blank check without lots of opportunities for feedback.

So I guess where this leaves us I don't really know. And that's confusing. And I think I've not only confused myself, but possibly anyone who actually reads this long and convoluted post.

But that's where we've been. I do hope to check in again sooner rather than later. And I apologize sincerely for not checking on everyone's blogs. I so want to catch up. I know I've missed at least two births that I can think of and I so want to check in with those ladies when I get the chance. But I also know that I'm on the verge of giving birth literally any minute and it will take me a bit to get back to this and to checking in regularly as I work to find our new normal as a slightly larger family.

Thank you for reading and I sincerely hope that everyone's 2015 is going wonderfully thus far!


  1. Welcome back and good luck to you as you birth your little one. We all fall off the face of the earth sometimes and it's okay. That's the best part is having a place to return to when things simmer down. I will be praying for you and your family as you greet the baby and adjust as a family. How exciting!


  2. Oh and the "can't communicate for shit" sounds very familiar. For us it's very cyclematic....times we are Awesome and times it's like toddlers fighting over a toy. I am finding that keeping a notebook and writing down our feelings back and forth can be more productive for us, because you have to really think about what your saying and the reader/listener can take the time to hear better. Just an idea... :)

  3. Welcome back! And good luck and blessings on your impending birth (you're not in labor now, are you? LOL). I completely get where you're coming from with the wading in shit. Been there, done that, still in muddy water. My prayers to you both as you navigate the future.

  4. Hi Tomsrose and welcome back! 42 weeks?! Wow, I had no patience left when I was only a few days late. :)
    It is great that you had some of the changes you wished for. And don’t worry about the DD parts. I mean, during pregnancy I felt everything was different. So, until Christmas we did not have any spankings, first to make sure all was ok with Mathilda and afterwards because of healing and adapting to the many changes that come with a little bundle of joy around. So, don’t be hard on yourself. I am very sorry that you two are struggling so much at the moment and that communication is a sort of problem too. Last year, with the growing bump and all the changes that I went through I know I was not always at my best and that’s fine. I know hubby was fully aware of many things and I can only be grateful because he gave me a lot of time. I hope you get that time too.
    I do completely agree with you, even if your HoH has the last say, he should at least listen to your opinion. Actually I’d say, he should at least seriously try to understand what you want. He doesn’t have to agree, sure, but often enough there might be another way which opens up as a result of considering your opinion. Besides, I always found it much easier to accept hubby’s decisions when I had the feeling that I was cherished and my opinion was appreciated. This is not meant as criticism, so I do apologize if I made it sound that way.
    I am glad that you do see the good and the love you have, even in the difficult time you seem to be in now. And you said something so important. You don’t want DD while you are healing, especially not the physical parts of it, for sure. I am fully with you and what is maybe much more important is to give yourself time to adjust. I mean, imagine another sleepless night and as a result you cannot prepare breakfast, do laundry and whatever. Without the baby, ok, you would receive discipline. But with a newborn, I’d ask for understanding for a rough time, not for a spanking! So, maybe all will be easier again once you have found the new normal. Maybe there is no reason to rush into things and all will come back naturally once you have adapted, because basically both of you want DD.
    I hope you find a way through this and can’t wait for the baby news!



  5. Hi Rose, welcome back! It's great to see you post :) wishing you all the very best with the delivery and new baby.

    I'm sorry you are struggling so much at the moment. Communication is so important. As Kris said, sometimes it's easier to write? I hope the two of you find a way forward that works for you.


  6. Hi Rose, so good to hear from you. Wishing you a easy and quick labor, I'm sure you can't wait to see that baby!
    It's going to be really hard to focus on DD after the baby, there is just healing and hormones and lack of sleep..not that you don't know that already :) Maybe you can focus on how you communicate, focus on what makes both of you feel respected and loved. And then you can move into the dynamic deeper, I just think it might be a great time to establish a solid foundation, which is rooted in respect and understanding. I don't think you should ever feel like your voice isn't being heard, and I haven't met anyone in blogland or IRL that I would consider a Stepford wife. I don't think any one of us wants to be a doormat, I think we all want love and respect. DD does shine a mirror on us, but you can't fix what you don't acknowledge and you can definitely work through these issues. I feel like this is the time to tell him how you feel and how his decisions make you feel. I'm glad he wants the dynamic back, I hope he is willing to shine a light on himself and see how he can improve too. I feel like this dynamic..when it is really working, it makes both partners better people. I have no doubt that you two can get back on track.
    I totally hear you about money for date nights, we do a lot of home date nights. I'll make fondue and we'll rent a movie. it's just time together that is important.
    You two have been through a lot, but you're committed and determined. You will find your way. Wishing you the best in 2015 and with the new baby!!


  7. I can't actually speak to the points about Dd and pregnancy and the after part, but I think I can understand a great deal of the other things you mentioned.

    First of all, you have had so many changes happening in your lives since you started writing. It is so phenomenal when I think back to the many posts you have written what you have experienced. I once wrote a post on emotions and equated them to clothes spinning in a dryer. You know when you open the dryer mid-spin and a sock comes flying out at you? This is what your lives remind me off. So much in such a short time. It is no wonder you are both under stress, and things fly out at you. Please don't be so hard on yourselves. I know you can't stop trying, relationship wise, just because the dryer is spinning, but perhaps remember that the 'shooting sock' is not the end of the world. Difficult, trust me I know, while living it though.

    You know that your voice can and needs to be heard in your relationship. The question might be how to go about it in a way that it does. If your communication is anything like Barney's and mine used to be, ( I don't mean yelling and screaming..LOL) I would feel heard at the time, only to feel hurt in the future because he heard but didn't LISTEN. The only thing I can say is this takes SO much practice. There were so many times where I said to him, " what does that even mean? " or I would say, " tell me what you think I said?"

    Dd is difficult there is no doubt about it. We/I went through so many, many, MANY periods where I thought, "where the hell is the feeling cherished part of this?" Mostly when we got off track. It is painful, I know. However, living through those times and communicating, no matter how messy that communication looked at the time ( and trust me it got messy!) brought us one step closer in the long run. Nope not all hearts, rainbows and unicorns, but life. What Dd does is bring in a trust. Trust on a level you can't explain until you go through all that 'shit' and come out...or wade through less shitty waters. I don't mean trust that he won't physically hurt you, or trust even that he is always right ( because he won't be). Trust that even though a situation might turn out like crap, it will be okay in the long run. Trust in the relationship more than the "HOH". Trust that you will learn from the 'shit storm' and gain a bit more strength moving forward. Sometimes that strength can't be seen or felt for a long time. Sometimes we have to live it time and time and time again until we learn from it.

    Do I think you can do this with post preggo-brain? Maybe not. But there is a vulnerability there during recovery, that might actually help you both. Perhaps let Tom/Captain, take the reins in other ways without the physical punishment part? Perhaps try to submit in small ways, even if you only feel it is convenient for you at the time, because this may very well foster other feelings of submission in you.

    I pray all goes well for you Rose, in the delivery, birth and recovery. I also hope that some where, some time, you find what you need in you to thrive in this relationship.

    Your friend