The Toilet Fiasco

So last night was kind of a whirlwind of activity that we were not anticipating. Hubby came home from school to find the toilet unbelievably clogged. I had tried to plunge it earlier to no avail. He tried to plunge it to no avail. With little ones running around our house all the time it's anyone's guess what actually happened to the toilet. So off he went to the store and came home with a snake and finally got the job done. But the jarring of the toilet from aggressive plunging caused the wax seal at the base of the toilet to break. So then he had to go back out and buy the wax seal and reseal the toilet. To make a long story short he was not in a great mood. He had papers to write that evening and his entire evening was taken up with this unexpected repair that needed to be done.

So in his bad mood, some grumpiness came my way and I did what I do best. I built my wall and protected myself, looking a bit like this.

And this.

If only the church lady mentioned in the previous post could see me now, right?

So, I was anything but the well-behaved submissive wife and he certainly wasn't being the calm and firm HOH that I'd like. I finally realized I'd spewed enough venom and through my teeth manged an "Okay dear" when he was grumbling about something else. Of course he took that as sarcasm and gave me a warning that I'd be punished if it happened again. So he said nothing when I told him to f*ck off or flipped him the bird, but when I tried to submit and barely got the nice words through my teeth, that's where he had the problem? I definitely felt a bit confused but I just let it go.

So later he realized that he'd been harsh and grumpy. I understand. If I had papers to write and came home to that I'd probably be grumpy also. It happens to the best of us. He apologized. He said he wasn't holding me accountable for anything that I said or did because he provoked me. I appreciate that. I really do. But it also leaves me feeling confused, especially since this isn't the first time something like this has happened where I've responded to his grumpiness with complete disrespect and anger and he's let it go. I guess I'm thinking that submission should happen on my end even if he's having a grumpy day and not being kind. The reality is that I WANT to be that kind of wife, the one who can turn a grumpy husband around with her kindness and submission, refusing to return grumpiness with anger. So I'm confused. I appreciate that he doesn't want to punish me for my behavior when he feels like his provoked mine, but I also feel like maybe I should be held accountable for mine no matter what.

I'm wondering if anyone else has situations like this. In other words, I'm guessing nobody else's HOH is perfect and has grumpy days. So for the subs, how do your HOHs handle it when they know their grumpiness could have played  into some nastiness on your end? Do you think a HOH should follow through with discipline in this sort of situation? For the HOHs, what are your thoughts? Do you still discipline even if you know your grumpiness has made it harder for your sub to submit?

An Interesting Week Thus Far

I don't speak about my faith much on my blog because honestly that's just not something I usually discuss here. I prefer to stick to other topics. However, this will be a post that touches on my faith as a christian. If that's not your cup of tea, just click on to the next blog in your list today!

This week has just been a surprise for me. I started off the week just really wanting to get back to where we left off with DD and continue to progress with this new dynamic. I've also started reading more and through a recommendation found the book "For Married Women Only" by Tony Evans. Normally I steer clear of bible based books and I don't think I'll go into why. That would be a really long post! However, I figured this book would help me to get into a submissive mindset.

The book is a short read. The author made his points quickly and clearly without a lot of fluff. I really liked that because it was clear exactly what he was saying. While there were several good points in the book, the one that I took away is this. When women try to lead in their marriage and take over, it gets in the way of God trying to work on our husbands. Now a person may agree or disagree with this and hey, different strokes for different folks. For me, this was personally meaningful. I've spent so much time and emotional energy trying to direct my husband into the "right" ways of doing, living, being, etc...I'm exhausted from it all! It's been too much for me to try to direct our family, push him where I think he should go, as well as take care of my own personal needs. So perhaps I should just submit and get out of God's way.

Here's a conversation that my husband initiated while I was reading this book, which he did not know I was reading as it's on my Kindle and I hadn't bothered to say anything about it. "I think we should go back to church. I may not always be able to join you because of school, but you should go. I know you need it." Well, we had gone around and around about this in the past. It's not that he's anti-church or anything, but there were some issues that I won't go into regarding church. He went on to say "I know you get a lot out of being at [specific church] and you really need it. I want you to go back and I may even join you and the boys when I'm able to."

I was stunned by that conversation as it came out of the blue. I have not brought up the issue in awhile. Anyways, after finishing the book yesterday. I decided to post something online. My husband has worked so hard passing exams, juggling school, a job, children, a wife, and everything else life throws at him. So I decided to take a moment and thank him publicly. Except I didn't use the words that I as a woman would use and have used in the past, such as "He's awesome!", "I love him so much!" or "I'm proud of how hard he works." Those are surely beautiful sentiments and most men would be happy to receive them, but I wanted to go beyond that. I wanted to use language that would speak to him as a man, so the words I chose were "I am honored to have Tom for a husband." I went on for a little bit to discuss why. My husband was obviously touched by my words and the public praise he received.

I wasn't really thinking about the post today when the phone rang. It was an elderly lady from the church we discussed earlier in the week. She's one of the kindest older women I know and cares deeply for people she knows. I hadn't heard from her in a very long time. She had no way of knowing that my husband had just decided we'd come back to the church. She called to compliment me on my post that she saw. She went on to say that she doesn't often see that kind of respect coming from a wife to her husband and she thinks it's really wonderful that I'm able to be respectful of my husband. I was floored. If only she could be a fly on the wall and see my day to day struggles with this! Then she said that we'd been prayed for at church last week.

I'm not one to get the heeby jeebies about things that are likely coincidental, but having just read that book about submitting and getting out of the way and having my husband out of the blue decide I should take the boys back to church and then being contacted by someone I admire in that church certainly gives cause to wonder if God can be intimately involved in a marriage. I'm kind of at a loss as to how this could have happened or how to interpret it, but it also fills me with hope and optimism for things to come with my marriage and with DD.

Anyways, I thought this was too good of a story not to share!

Off Topic Snippet #2

1. I've been on a health and wellness quest for the last two years and have just recently busted through a year and a half long plateau. I've gone grain, gluten, and sugar free along with low carb. Oh help me! But I am FINALLY starting to lose weight again!

2. My favorite movie as a teenager was Dirty Dancing. Clueless was a close second.

3. I am very much an introvert and love to read, read, and read. My taste in literature is eclectic. I enjoy classics, fantasy fiction, contemporary fiction, erotic fiction, and dystopian fiction to name a few. I also tend to read a lot of parenting books and currently books on submission, marriage, and even some on D/s.

4. The one cosmetic that I don't like to leave my house without is lip gloss. I prefer the whole works, but lip gloss will do in a pinch.

5. When I was in junior high a friend and I formed a club called Sisters Against Marriage, SAM, for short. I was NOT going to get married just to get steamrolled by some man someday. My husband is aware of this group as we were actually friends way back then. He has said recently that he feels like maybe a punishment is in order to purge this from me. Whaaat? A punishment for something that was over 20 years ago? Pfft!

She's Come Undone

We had another first. While some spanking has been incorporated during sex, it has always consisted more of swatting during rather than a thorough spanking. Well, I found myself wanting more and so I taunted my Dom! I told him he was all talk. Oh yes - those words really came out of my mouth! In his words I threw a "hissy fit" because sex for his part was over and done with.

"What did you say? I'm all talk? That's it!"

So then it came. WHACK WHACK WHACK A downpour of his hands on my derrier. Swat after swat after swat on my bare bum. Over and over again his hands rained down smacking and leaving a burning sensation everywhere they went. I couldn't tell how many smacks it was or how many minutes long. All I know is that it was intimate and painful and pleasurable all at once.

And then he turned me over, swatted my inner thighs,and then his fingers were everywhere and they were my undoing. It was the neverending orgasm. It went on and on and on and on. I admit that after nearly 12 years of marriage it was probably the best I'd ever experienced.

This is the first time I've had a thorough spanking before sex and wow, is that what happens every time? More please! This is the first time he's spanked with no implement in sight. And I loved it. There was something so intimate about the experience with it being his hand. I also inspected myself in the mirror afterwards and it's the first time that I can honestly say that my bottom was rosy pink.

You know, all of my best moments in terms of sexual experience have come since adding DD into our lives. Oh, I can't wait to see what the next 12 years brings!

Uh Oh - Someone Read My Blog!

Yesterday we had a snow day. That's probably a big shocker since I think half of the US is having snow days right now. Tom, who is usually very busy with his school program, had a day off. And do you know what he spent part of his day off doing? Is the suspense too much? Okay, I'll tell you. He spent it reading my blog!

He's been so busy juggling everything going on in our lives that this is the first time he's read it. It felt really special to me that with everything else going on in our lives and everything he has on his plate, he took the time to read through my blog. Every last post! I think it was an eye opener for him. We had let things as far as DD slide for awhile, not just a little but by a lot. In fact, it would seem that for awhile we were slipping back into our old and argumentative egalitarian pattern. I admit that I felt frustrated at times thinking that he just doesn't want to do this. And I honestly questioned whether or not I want to continue this. Oh, but I do. I have no doubt. I just wondered if it would ever pan out.

When I first approached him with DD last year, his response was that he always wanted this kind of relationship, but didn't think he would ever get it. Meaning he'd always longed for more of a D/s style relationship. So when everything fizzled out I was a bit confused and just kind of gave up a bit. We were also having some other relationship difficulties that led to ambivalence on my part as to whether or not I wanted to go down this road with him. I'm sure that he sensed my ambivalence. Anyways, as I said, he read my blog. And I think he was pleasantly surprised by a lot of what he read. He told me that he honestly didn't think I was ready for this kind of relationship and he didn't think I really knew what I was asking. But after reading my blog, he realized that I am ready to head down this path even if I have my moments of doubt and even though the submission aspect seems really difficult for me at times. He also realized that I have given this a lot of thought. We ended up having a really productive conversation. I admit that he even had a little fun at my expense when he read some of my entries. "Oh, you want me to step up more? I can do that," with a smirk. "I go easy on you, do I? Hmmm..." More smirking. "You want a variety of implements? Oh. Okay! Well, in that case we'll have an entire armory of them." You get the idea. So this is when he tells me that he's been holding back and he can go much further into this. He just didn't want to scare me off. So I'm deliciously excited and a bit nervous now - Eeep!

I kind of feel like a kitten who's suddenly discovered that she's sitting in a cage with a lion. There's probably better analogies than that, but it's the best I can think of so let's just go with it. So I'm a very nervous kitten even though I know this lion isn't going to make a meal out of me (well, he might in very specific and deliciously sexy ways), but instead he will take care of me and protect me from all the other vicious animals in the forest. But he's also going to roar at me and even swipe at me with his big ol' paw from time to time. My analogy might makes sense in my head. I don't know if I've successfully translated it to the written word, but there you have it!

A Discussion of Implements

Implements are a vast unexplored frontier in my mind. It's odd that I read about other people's experience with implements and I grow a bit envious. Perhaps it's one of those things where the grass seems greener on the other side. But I know I've mentioned how much I LOATHE the light saber. In that respect, I guess it's good for the intended purpose. However, I do wish for a bit of variety I guess?

We actually just had a discussion today about implements as I've been having some pain in my lower back/butt/leg. I DON'T think it's spanking induced. One, I've not had many spankings lately to really cause such a thing. Two, I think it is possibly sciatica caused by an epidural with my first son's birth. I never had the pain prior to his birth and it has come and gone ever since. It just seems to have flare ups now and then. Anyways, but the fact that the pain is currently flared up brought up an implement discussion as my hubby does NOT want to be the cause of further pain or injury. In other words, he's okay with short-term pain, but not any sort of lasting damage. And of course, that's where I'm at with it too. So it seems this discussion led into implements and I did express a concern that with the light saber being so thin, if it were to hit the right spot, there could be potential to exacerbate the injury. I don't know if this is really true or not, but it would seem to make sense anyways. So while I understand that the light saber will be in his repertoire as I truly see him maybe saving it for the most heinous disrespect, it would make sense to broaden the range of implements in order to lessen the potential for injury. We are on the same page as far as that goes. So now it seems he will be in the market with something that spreads the pain, so an implement with thud versus sting. I have visions of a lovely paddle perhaps from Blondie's Place. Oh no. The next words out of his mouth. "I'd like a cricket bat." Whaaaat???"

So I did what I usually do when I don't have a clue. I googled. Why oh why did I do that? And why is my HOH so creative? Maybe I should try to compromise. A lovely ping pong paddle would be nice. Ooh - and we could get a ping pong table and play. That's a lovely bonus - too lovely to turn down I think! Hmmmm...something tells me that I just need to accept my fate. There's likely a cricket bat in our future. I guess on the positive side, we could bludgeon home intruders with it if need be.

I thought this one that I found looked appropriate for the job.

And one in action. This guy just looks like he's getting ready to paddle his woman's behind!

So I will leave you dear readers with those lovely visions in your head. Be careful what you wish for!

I Am Still Around and Trying To Sort My Brain Out!

I've been wanting to make it back to this wonderful and supportive community for awhile now. I apologize for dropping off of the face of the earth. I guess it happens to the best of us. Things got really busy and life just kind of took over as it does sometimes. I want to get back into the swing of things, so I will try try try to do that!

DD has been pretty light for us as things were just starting to get rolling when everything became insanely busy. So I admit that in a way I feel like I'm biding my time as things should slow down for us mid summer. That doesn't mean I can't work on me, but I'm afraid I'm not very good at that. I repeat to myself and have said to others in the community when questioned, "Do you really want this?" that "YES! YES I do!!" but then when push comes to shove and we're in the heat of the moment submission is so very difficult for me. Why would I ask for this and then sabotage when Tom tries to follow through? I don't know. I really can't say. But I think it's a good question that I need to figure out if we're going to grow in this kind of relationship.

I know that only I can truthfully and completely answer my own question as I'm the only one with unrestricted access to my thoughts, experiences, and feelings. I think that there is a part of me that is very afraid to let go. I think we have never had this level of trust in our marriage. I don't mean to criticize a non-DD marriage in anyway as there are many beautiful non-DD relationship out there, but I feel like DD brings trust to a deeper level. And by trust I don't mean that we mistrust one another's faithfulness to the relationship. Nothing could be further from the truth. That's an area where we both seem to have the benefit of unfettered trust in one another. This type of trust is different for both of us. For me, as the submissive one in the relationship, it is about trusting him not to break me or not to forget to allow me to be me if that makes any sense. I guess I don't want to lose myself and just be an extension of somebody else. For him, I know that every time I sabotage in the moment when he's trying to discipline or use his authority that I gave him to make a decision, it breaks down trust in the DD relationship and that it will actually work between us. It breaks down his ability to trust me to fill that submissive role that I've told him repeatedly I want to fill.

I'm actually thinking while writing, so this is turning into a rambly post. But I sincerely do want to get a grip on  where my headspace is in all of this and come to terms with what I need to work on within myself in order to have the DD/Ds relationship that I aspire to have. I'm wondering if anyone else has struggled with this? Any words of wisdom? Did anyone else go through this as they tried to transition from an egalitarian relationship to a DD/Ds relationship? As always, I'm open to any suggestions!