Questions from Little Girl, Autumn, and Jenelle

***I would like to post a warning that midway through this post, there is mention of 9/11 and the war that follows. Please use your discretion in whether or not you want to read as I know that can be a sensitive subject, especially for those whose loved ones were directly affected. ***

Many of you are aware that we're in transition around here. While Capt completed his schooling and passed his licensing exam, he couldn't actually work with his license until it was processed by the state. Well, he is finally on the state registry. Today is his first day of orientation at his job.

I am very curious to see how things go today, as there are some details of his job that we're not sure of yet - the kind of details that will impact our plan with moving forward and putting out some form of notice to end my home daycare business.

And now, I'm going to answer some questions. These are from March Q's. Sorry. I guess it's a bit of an understatement to say I got a little off task here.

Little Girl asks - What attracted you most when you first met? Aurora asks - I'm a sucker for love stories so I guess my question would be how did you two meet?

We met a long time ago in a galaxy far away...okay, not really, but it feels like that. I was in junior high and he was in high school. We met at church youth group. We were really young. We became friends slowly but I was not attracted to him at all. When I was sixteen years old we started hanging out a bit. I needed someone to go rollerblading with and he was into that. We'd go out and rollerblade around. He taught me how to rollerblade down stairs. This is not as spectacular as it sounds. The ones I was able to do were not very steep. But he would catch me at the bottom because I had issues with not falling over once I got to the bottom. I was very thick. It never dawned on me that he had a crush on me. There was never anything sexual about our relationship - just friends. I gradually started to share more of myself with him - my thoughts, feelings, poetry (poor guy put up with your typical poorly written depressive teenage idea of poetry)- and he always cared what I had to say. We were truly best friends in every sense. And then I found out from a friend that he had a crush on me. I was surprised. Let me repeat - I was pretty thick...clueless in fact,much like the lead in one of my favorite movies at the time.

So as much as I knew it would suck I decided to have "that conversation" with him. I told him that I only saw him as a friend and that's all we would ever be and he needed to give it up and move on. Then he did what any normal person would do. He distanced himself for a bit. That was awful. We were so close at that point that I felt empty when he wasn't around. But I definitely wasn't interested. Have I mentioned that I was thick yet? Well, time came for his prom and he took me as friends. That was difficult, knowing how he felt. I didn't want to lead him on, but I also really wanted to go. To be honest, I don't know exactly when I started to feel differently. I always felt this pull towards him, but I always thought it was because he was such a great friend. At some point the line started to blur and during one of our movie nights at my house the line budged and we found ourselves holding hands. That was it. It's all so sweet and innocent looking back on it, but at the time holding hands was a really big deal to me.

I would love to say that it was all hearts and flowers from that point on. But he was the first person I'd dated and he was immediately at a very serious level with our relationship. I, on the other hand, felt afraid of moving too fast, being too serious, and being too committed. So we broke up several times over the next few years. I went off to college and dated another guy, which drove my husband to the point of madness. But you see, it was in dating this other guy that I really missed Capt. I never felt I could be myself with this other guy. I was always hiding my innermost self for fear he'd "find me out" and not like me anymore. With Capt everything was already out in the open. He knew who I was completely. But because of that things were always bumpier with Capt. We were always 100% real with one another and sometimes that meant some very hurtful interactions. As a young person, that really scared me off.

So then Capt got tired of waiting around on me...finally!

He then did what any reasonable man does when his affection isn't being returned. He joined the military! Knowing that he was going away did something to me and lo and behold we were together again before he even left for basic training. While he was gone we wrote letters - I still have all of them! My parents drove with me and we watched him graduate from basic training. He then went away for more training. I moved away from our hometown for my first post college job - a highly overrated thing if you ask me! We wrote and every once in awhile I'd be fortunate enough to get an actual phone call. Then 9/11 happened.

In all my life I've never been so horrified. I walked into the training center for my new job and everyone was gaping open mouthed at a tv screen. I soon became one of them. I remember feeling my heart split and the tears fall as I watched countless lose their lives right in front of my eyes. People's fathers, sons, daughters, mothers, dear friends, and lovers. I didn't know anyone that lived in New York city, but it didn't matter. In that moment, their pain was my pain. I grieved for everyone affected. In my grief, I also grieved for Capt. My brain was already two steps ahead. I knew what this would mean for our military. I knew what this would mean for Capt.

His unit was activated and he was sent directly from his training once completed. But, we are fortunate. While there was rumor after rumor after rumor of him being sent to some of the most hostile areas, he was not sent. He stayed in this country to fill holes left by others who were overseas. It is very selfish, I know. But I have always been beyond thankful that he never left American soil in the name of war.

He served active duty for close to a year if I remember right. During that time it was much easier to speak on the phone. I went to visit him at one point. He came to visit me on leave at another point. It was a lovely time. He took me to dinner and we were just so happy to be in one another's presence. We went to our home town and went to a friend's wedding in which I was a bridesmaid. And wouldn't you know that I caught the bouquet? And after I caught the bouquet I turned around and there he was on one knee staring up at me with a ring - he and my friend had done some planning. I was once again Clueless and failed to notice that not one other girl actually tried to get the bouquet. They were all in on it!

So we got engaged that night - obviously. He got on a plane shortly after that and we continued our long distance relationship. There continued to be rumor after rumor of him going overseas, but finally he came home and we set our wedding date. And I guess that's that because the next chapter was marriage.

Who asked who to do DD?

I asked him! It's crazy, but true. I read 50 Shades of Grey, became intrigued, and started researching online. The longer version of this is in a post, The Convoluted Trail That Led Us To DD.

Did you both know about DD when you got married or was it something you discovered online?

No - not at all! I would've run for the hills, I'm sure!

Are either of you spankos?

I don't know. I think we both might be actually. There is something both comforting and exciting about being spanked. I still don't understand it yet!

1. What is your favorite date night activity?

We both love to try new restaurants. This is not really possible where we live right now, but it was our favorite thing to do when we first got married. Go figure - we like to eat! A good movie and a cuddle is always nice. I have to admit that my favorite date was our 10 year anniversary. I wanted to go to a climbing gym and climb, but he wasn't really that interested, so we decided to do something he'd been wanting me to try for years. We went paintballing and shot at each other. It was very therapeutic. I highly recommend it. We weren't into DD then. I want to go back and do it again as I can think of some highly erotic capture/interrogation scenarios that might just be wonderful to play out in a hotel room afterwards!

2. What is your most hated implement?

My most hated implement continues to be the Lightsaber. Even the wooden cutting board thing with a handle doesn't hurt as much as that thing. He hasn't used it in a long time and I sincerely hope he doesn't get any ideas when he reads this! We still don't have a ton of variety in our implements though. Getting more implements is on the to do list. That being said, he's been very creative thus far with things we have around the house!

Rose's Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

This is a story of a day in Captain's kingdom .

Rose, Captain's fair lady, 

was entrusted with a variety of duties 

That kept the kingdom running as smoothly as possible. 

 

And just as in any other day in the kingdom,

there were multiple children to be juggled.

 There were numerous piles of clutter to dig through in order to find

 this,

 that,

 or the other thing. 

There were little people crying,

 "Rose. I need this!" 

"Rose. I need that!" 

 "He took my toy!" 

"He hit me!" 

 "He ate my brother!"

 And so it was mass chaos throughout the land.

Now Rose has been keeping up and doing her best for years.

Running here, running there.

Attempting to clean whilst tornadoes in the form of little boys run amok.

But Rose has been getting tired. 

And anxious.

Excited for new things to come.

But upset that they're not coming as quickly as she'd like.

Endlessly waiting for Calgon to take her away

Or at least the leprechaun at the end of the rainbow.

Now on this particular day, for whatever reason, Rose was very tired.

The children seemed ten times as loud.

The inability to find things right away seemed a hundred times more irritating.

And Rose was not getting along with Captain very well.

Rose's temper was foul.

Her tears were swift.

Her thoughts were hazy and unfocused.

The children were napping,

But rest was not hers to have.

She snapped on her Captain time and again,

Until he would have none of it.

"Upstairs!" he commanded.

Slowly she moved, 

Like a turtle through marshmallow, 

Up, up, up the stairs 

And into the bedroom.

"Get on the bed. Turn over!" Captain barked.

Rose began to quake as she heard his grumpy demeanor.

She assumed the position,

But then something happened.

All of the pent up emotion and anxiety and fatigue

That was swirling around inside

Burst through as she laid on the bed with her butt in the air

Dreading the first blow

Rose was sorry.

Sorry for being mean and nasty.

Sorry for being someone that she doesn't want to be.

Sorry that she's angry all the time.

Sorry that she's overwhelmed and can't seem to get a grip.

Just sorry sorry sorry.

And all of the sorrow poured out in sobs,

Great big, bodyshaking sobs.

And she tried to reign it in 

And gain control,

Knowing that with the first strike of the wooden board

She'd have no hope of controlling them.

She tried and tried,

But the tears kept on coming.

As she tensed and waited for the blow,

She felt herself being covered up

And she heard Captain's footsteps leave the room.

Rose relaxed her head and cried.

And then just felt kind of numb.

It really was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

 

 

Getting It All Wrong - NOT a Flowery Post

I apologize for my hiatus. It's been unintentional and unfortunately will continue for a bit. I wanted to write something though so that you know that this isn't a case of blogger dropped off of the face of the earth to never return. My first trimester of pregnancy was exhausting. I've also been much sicker this pregnancy than in previous pregnancies. I feel better and am able to eat now, but due to some other circumstances we don't have internet at our house right nI ow. So keeping up with everyone's blogs and contributing to my own is impossible right now.

So I'm basically here to say that I won't be here...at least until we get this internet kerfuffle solved.

But I am dying here a bit. I need help and support and I feel like I can't do this. I'm not submissive. I'm not respectful. I say the wrong things. I use the wrong tone of voice. I'm grumpy and needy and emotional. I've even had to ask myself the question - is this me? Am I someone who's meant to be in this kind of relationship and take on this kind of role? I have no clear message from the heavens on this one. There's been no light bulb moment of complete and absolute self-awareness. I feel miles from where everyone else in this community is in regards to having a DD relationship as the TIH partner.

I feel like my HOH is always mad at me. I'm never sorry enough or kind enough or respectful enough. He doesn't discipline. He just yells and I yell and together we yell and our oldest kiddo is sick of the yelling I'm pretty sure.

I don't think I can stomach one more marital conversation where we talk about how the yelling needs to stop and we just need to follow through with DD and how he doesn't lead because I'm just not letting him lead and I'm not letting him lead because I don't trust him enough.

I feel like we're ramming ourselves repeatedly into the same damn brick wall day after day after day.

To add to all of that, I'm still working 60 hours a week with other people's children in my home all the time. Our transition out of my business is not happening as quickly or as smoothly as I'd like. So to be honest I am angry and grumpy and tired a lot. I want to be done with my job and I want to be done three months ago. Financially everything is a mess.

When we first started DD Captain wanted me more. He touched me and was affectionate and of course there were some hot and heavy moments also. I feel like that has all died off completely to the point that I wonder if I hold any attraction for him at all. I feel like I could do a naked pole dance and he wouldn't feel inclined to put down his ipad. 

I guess this is NOT a flowery post that will make someone considering DD want to take the leap. But this is not a fantasy either. It's our real life with our real world problems and trying to learn DD amidst all of this mess has not been easy. We've been at this for roughly a year now and I feel like we've gotten nowhere. It's really pretty discouraging and I feel very disheartened and concerned for if this will ever pan out for us.

I'm Here, But No Spanking For Awhile

I am here friends. This will be a short note, but I at least want you to know that I'm still here. AND I still plan to answer all of your lovely questions. I guess March questions will become answers for May's blogs! I hope to find some time to get to them. Life has been very busy and we've struggled a bit with TTWD, which has robbed me of motivation to find time. That being said, I miss all of you. I miss reading your blogs and commenting and otherwise engaging with my TTWD family and hope to get back to that before too long. I miss sharing my thoughts and concerns and receiving lovely support. So please know that I'm still here, just in the background a bit while we get through some busy times.

I also have to share a few things. I don't know how many of you remember that I was accepted into graduate school for this fall and received a graduate assistantship that waives my tuition. Well, it looks like I may not be going. I just think it will be a bit much with a new little one joining our home late December/ early January. Yes, you heard me right. We are expecting a bundle of joy. This will be our third love. I'm over the moon excited. Of course it throws a wrench in the graduate school plans, but if I had to choose between graduate school and a baby I'd definitely choose a baby. Several have asked me why I don't juggle both. Honestly, I don't want to. The school I was planning to attend is an hour away. So with commuting, working 13 hours a week for the assistantship, attending classes, and studying, I don't see how I'd keep my sanity with two kiddos and a newborn who all need my attention. I am still going to close the daycare. I'm honestly beyond excited about the idea of being a stay at home mom to my kiddos. I've never been able to do that and it's always something I've wanted to do. Graduate school will still be there when my kiddos are older.

Anyways, Captain once said that if I ever get pregnant spanking is off the table. I don't think spanking would hurt our little one, but having experienced pregnancy loss before, I think that we always err on the side of caution. This ought to be interesting. My hormones will be all over the place and spanking will be off the table. So we will have to be creative. This will also be a good time for me to really work hard at my ability to keep myself in check and be respectful towards Captain. I'm hoping that when the stress of the business goes away I will naturally get a bit better at those things, but time will tell.

Anyways, I'm here. I will try to stay in touch as much as I can. But please know that if you only hear from me once in awhile, things are going to be less busy down the road and I will at some point become more accessible and involved once again!

Fitness, Meet the Captain, and Answers Are Coming!

I'm participating in 40 Days of Fitness with some of you gals. I figured I should get my goals listed somewhere. But first, a bit of history because this 40 days is a part of something much larger for me.

I've struggled with weight my whole life. In adulthood, I was able to lose weight and finally got to a nice weight for my height. But it didn't stick. Marital stress, several babies, and hormonal chaos caused my body to spiral out of control. No matter what I tried, nothing worked for very long. After the birth of my second child, everything became worse. I gained 40 pounds in 4 months. I stepped on the scale one day to find that I weighed what I had when I was 9 months pregnant with him. I was horrified! I contacted my doctor and we have been working on getting my thyroid numbers to proper levels ever since. I also learned that I was vitamin D deficient, iron deficient, and have adrenal fatigue. This sounds so short and sweet, but all of this has been a process. During this time I began walking which turned to running. I love to run. It is the only time in my day that nobody is asking me for anything! It is my peace and quiet, my zen like experience in busy days. I quickly dropped 35 pounds and then I stalled...and stalled...and stalled. For a year and a half my weight stuck. I trained for and ran a half marathon, the same 7 mile race two years in a row, lifted weights, and logged my food intake on a daily basis..My weight just stuck! Enter Maria Emmerich, a nutritionist who supports a keto diet that is grain free, gluten free, and sugar free. I gave up vegetarianism and jumped on the keto boat. I'm not saying that's what others need to do by any stretch of the imagination. It's what my body needed. Gone are blood sugar drops that cause horrible mood swings - a help when you're in a DD life especially. Gone is the weight loss plateau. I've been losing steadily since starting her plan in January of 2014. I'm at a new low right now. My doctor and I are still trying to get my thyroid levels in the proper range, but finally my numbers are going up. My adrenals seem to be healing as my body has stopped crashing on the weekends. For awhile at the end of 2013 I was having "couch weekends" My definition of a couch weekend is one in which you doze on and off all weekend in order to have enough energy to get through another work week. It was awful. I felt like a sorry excuse for a mom and a wife. But it is behind me thankfully. Anyways, if my body continues to respond, I can fit into my wedding dress again either this year or next year. I'm so excited about that. I'm going to put it on and have a photo shoot or something when I get there.

Anyways, my current goals with the 40 day fitness challenge are as follows.

1. Stick to my eating plan and stop cheating on the weekends - at least not every weekend. My eating plan is grain free, gluten free, sugar free, and very low carb.

2. Begin running again and get myself back to a good 3 mile training run level. I'm using the Ultimate 5k training plan from Run the Edge to get my running level back.

That's it. Two simple goals will do for me!

Onto the Captain. A new person has been commenting on my blog. His name is the Captain and he and Tom are one and the same. The name Captain came about as I was discussing with my husband how his sense of virtue, justice, and honor reminded me of Captain America. My husband is ex military and has always resonated with Captain America's sense of honor. I had suggested in the past trying a title such as Sir as many have found it effective in disciplinary situations and just as a way to get into the submissive mindset. But my husband was not fond of being called Sir. But after our discussion the other day about the Captain America, my husband has discovered that he likes being called Captain. Now I'm not running through the house calling him Captain every two seconds, but he has used it when I'm really struggling with submission and when I've gotten myself in trouble - usually from running my mouth! And it really does put me in a submissive mindset. I have to swallow that darn pride of mine in order to get the title out. He's also used it during a punishment. I had to count during a spanking and add Captain at the end of each number. So it was "One Captain, two Captain, three Captain, fou-our Captaaaain" and so on. He said he did that so that he could gauge how the punishment was going for me by the sound of my voice. It seems that so many things he does have such thought and consideration behind them. He really is amazing! So anyways, Captain has a blogger account now and will be commenting from time to time. Who knows? He may even add to posts now and then or even do his own post. I have no idea where this will lead. But Captain has boarded the boat to Blogland. He may also make an appearance on the D&L forums now that he is signed up!

As far as answers to questions, I want to let everyone know that they are coming. I've received some great questions and want to put a lot of thought into writing my answers. I've started working on some drafts, but it's taking me awhile to work through my thoughts and get them organized. Plus I'm trying to keep up with everyone else's answers to questions. March Q&A has Blogland positively exploding right now! Oh how I wish I could clone myself and then one of me would be responsible for keeping up with all of you. There's so many great bloggers out there that I would love to get to know better. I am doing my best to make the rounds and will get to as many of you as I can. Also, if there are any more questions, please feel free to post them and I'll add them to my list that I'm working on. I love learning from your thoughts and experiences and I'm so grateful that so many of you are willing to share those with others. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the posting that all of you do!

He Claimed Me and Tori's Questions

We got home late last night from a hockey game. We had a ton of fun together with one of our kiddos. Our kiddo was tired and playing in the other room. My husband came into the office. I was standing and leaning over the desk checking to see what I'd missed in blogland.

He comes up behind me and touches me and presses himself right up against my back. He sways. I sway. He walks away. Not far. Just to the door. Then he turns the lock and walks back over towards me. More pressing up against me. More swaying. My body responds to this amazing and loving man that I'm lucky to spend my days with.

My chest falls to the desk. My pants come off as do his and he is pressing up against me. He touches me and I'm ready for him. He enters me from behind. Slowly at first and then he picks up speed. He continues his thrusting until he comes undone. 

He cuddles me and tells me he just couldn't contain himself. He's falling in love with me all over again he says. I'm falling in love with him too. After eleven years of marriage, we're falling in love and on a second honeymoon. If only we had a beach too! 

Amazing things are happening. This was another first for us - sex from this position. Perhaps I needed to be submissive and he needed to be dominant to make it work. We'd tried years ago and it was awkward and painful and we stopped. This was pure bliss. It was intense and I felt claimed when he was done. We've had some great sex, some of it the sweet and loving kind. This was full of love, but it wasn't sweet. It was masculine and dominating and I loved every second of it. I am his. I belong to him and this was his way of letting me know that.

***Tori's Questions - What prompted the move to DD/ who initiated it? Is there one particular kind you really want to try? Do you have an agreed set of rules/ a contract?***

I initiated the move to DD. I have always been sexually closed off, a bit of a prude. It wasn't intentional. I had a religious upbringing and couldn't seem to get past the association between guilt and sex that I'd always been taught. So I had sex with my husband out of obligation. But to enjoy it or to explore it was just not something that was on my radar. I read Fifty Shades (I know, likely story here) and found it hot. I set it aside for awhile, but after a year I decided to reread it again. And it was that second reading that just changed me. I couldn't stop thinking about sex and I felt turned on nonstop. This coincided with my 34th birthday and I have to wonder if something hormonal happened as well. I started researching BDSM, but realized that I wanted more than kink. What really really turned me on when I thought about it was power exchange. I read through forums on Fetlife and over and over was drawn to people discussing TPE. Now I don't think we're totally there yet, but that's what got me on the road to DD. When I first stumbled onto DD blogs, I was initially repulsed. Sorry friends, it's just true. I wasn't ready. I didn't understand why a woman would let a man do such things. So we tried a little kink, nothing I would call real BDSM, but definitely spicier than what we had been. But I still felt like something was missing. So I kept researching and reading blogs. I came across D/s blogs and then once again DD blogs. About a month had passed. And for some reason that short passage of time was enough to make me open to what DD had to offer. I dropped hints initially. More hinting as well as some direct statements. I finally had to open up a lot more about just what I was asking. I admit that I thought I might die of embarrassment in asking for all of this. But wow, he's taking to it and we're well on our way. We have a lot to learn. Personally, I'd like a lot more on the BDSM side of things than what we're doing. But we will hopefully have many more years to explore and grow and change. So I have things to look forward to with my husband!

Hmmm...one particular kink? That is very hard as I feel like there's more things we haven't tried than we have. I'd like to go much much deeper into bondage. I've never been flogged and for some reason that holds a lot of appeal for me as does a riding crop. I'd like to continue growth in the power exchange area because I feel like there's so much room for growth. Okay, I guess you asked for one and I could go on and on. So I guess I'll just finish this question by saying I'd be up for experimenting a lot as long as it's with my husband.

As far as an agreed set of rules or contract, we do not have that. When I first started exploring I filled out and printed a list I found from some BDSM resources as to things that I'd done, wanted to try, could possibly try, or were hard limits. I simply gave it to him for some reading. He said at the time that he realized I'd looked further into this than he initially thought. Other than that though there have been no contracts. I do have rules, but we're kind of in the learning process. I'm not allowed to throw things, stomp around and yell when I can't find something, or be bitchy and disrespectful.

Thank you for the questions Tori. It was fun to give them some thought and answer them!

Pants Down and Over My Lap! Plus Betsy's Questions

"Pants down and over my lap!" Tom's eyes were dark and determined, with an edge of excitement last night. It's the first time I've seen him really take charge in a punishment. Oh, he's spanked me before. But this was different. His entire demeanor exuded confidence and authority. It was such a turn on even though I was in trouble.

Earlier that day my dad had stopped by while I was trying to get five kiddos out the door for outdoor play. Nothing irritates me more than that man stopping by whenever he wants and barging in like I've got nothing going on. Listening to him talk and sing with "Grandpa's boys" and grill my oldest about how homeschooling is going while I'm clearly trying to get out the door aggravates me to no end. The man doesn't have the slightest clue of the meaning of boundaries. But I've mostly put up with his drop ins as it's usually only once every other week or so. But my agitation has gone to a new level ever since M passed away. My dad is deathly afraid of dogs to the point that he used to open the door to my house, peek his head in, "Rose, I'm here!" just so I could make sure my dog wasn't going to try to greet him when he walked in. If she dared get up the nerve to walk over to him (she was a sweet and timid little girl), his reaction was something akin to "Rose, that thing is coming by me!" M was the most docile dog ever and his reaction was over the top ridiculous. But anyways, that's not my point. After M passed away, he stopped by to see the boys. There was no peeking his head in and calling out. He barged in like he owned the place. He knew. He knew because my mom and everyone else new. He knew she was gone. Not one word. No expression of sorrow or empathy for my grief. It was almost like he was relieved that he didn't have to watch out for "that dog" anymore. That was the last time he stopped by, so when he stopped by yesterday it was the same way. No hesitancy at the door looking for the dog. That combined with my needing to get out the door and him throwing a wrench in my attempts to do so, just sent me over the edge. After he left and I had the kiddos loaded in the stroller ready to go play, I stepped back into our house to grab something and ask Tom to holler outside if the baby woke up. He could tell I was on edge. But when I went to shut the bathroom door on my way out and instead slammed it causing a bunch of our kiddos artwork that was stacked on a shelf attached to that wall to fall off, Tom informed me we'd be talking later.

Later we had an opportunity to discuss the incident a bit and Tom said he'd considered letting me off the hook once he calmed down and thought about it. But then he decided not to because he knows that I really don't want him to let me off the hook. With everything he's been reading in my blogs, he said he didn't want this to be an incident where he didn't step up and discipline. And regardless of how my dad makes me feel, he wants me to be a better person than that. So he informed me that there would be a punishment coming later that night once he was assured that we had privacy.

Yikes! That's the most I think I've seen him step up as HOH and it was a bit frightening, but in a good way. And honestly, it was a real turn on for me. There's something about him when he uses his authority and gives me his stern gaze that melts me.

I got the kiddos to bed early and that's when he issued his command. "Pants down and over my lap!" As for the punishment itself, let me say, he's a natural at lecturing. And I don't know why, but I seemed to need his lecture. It was comforting in a way. I think partly because his voice was calm the entire time. There was no anger. Also the content was soothing. It wasn't about him being mad at me, but wanting better for me. In fact, the whole thing seemed kind of selfless. He wasn't punishing because of his need to beat something out of me, but more out of my need for him to help me be the best version of myself. Perhaps it's only a matter of semantics to some, but for me it's an important difference. The punishment itself was short and sweet. It was over the lap and with his hand. I can tell that he's still afraid to hurt me too much or break me, but he deemed it was enough, so I'm not going to complain. And perhaps he was a bit lenient because he knows how my dad has the ability to set me off like no other human being alive. When he was done, he pulled me onto his lap and held me and hugged me.

"How's that for aftercare?" He asked.

"Perfect." And I cuddled into this amazing man who I feel like I'm getting to see in a whole different light now that we've added DD to our lives.

***From Betsy - What is the biggest change you have seen in Tom since you began DD? What is the biggest change Tom has seen in you?***

The biggest change I've seen in him is his confidence. I think it's changing him, having a wife who trusts him enough to say "I'm done running the show. I trust you to be in charge and I'm going to submit to you." He doesn't take it lightly and it seems that it's bolstered his confidence. It goes with him when he leaves the house and goes to school, work, wherever he goes. He's told me that he feels like he interacts with people a little bit differently. He's more sure of himself and conveys more self-respect that I've seen him do in the past. When it comes to parenting, he's quicker to jump in and tell the kiddos that they are NOT allowed to treat mom the way that they are when they are having a disrespectful moment.

The biggest change he's seen in me he says is the fact that I even chose DD at all. He says it's a complete 180 from who I was and it shocked the hell out of him. I went from "No man will ever be in charge or tell me what to do" to asking him to be in charge. He says he remembers when I was in late junior high and was cofounder of the SAM club with a friend (Sisters Against Marriage). He feels like saying I did a 180 is actually an understatement. He never thought I'd give up control like that. And he's always wanted more of this kind of relationship, but figured that he would never have it. He went into marriage with me knowing that he would never get that dynamic. But he loved me for me and was willing to give that up just so we could  be together. WOW - that's something I didn't know! At times he felt like he was being oppressed in the relationship, whereas now things are obviously different. He feels like he's been given this gift all of a sudden and I'm pretty sure that he would never go back in a million years! I wouldn't either!